To be Concerned about husband's reaction to Xmas planning making it about race

[anonymousxmasposter]

I'm a British Asian woman married to a white man, and I'm currently pregnant with our first child. I need some advice about a situation that's really bothering me.

I suggested hosting Christmas this year but separately for our families - mainly because of logistics. My family is quite large (10 people), younger (mostly teens and twenty-somethings), and celebrates with music, games, and a lively atmosphere. His family is small (4 people), much older (60s-80s), more traditional, and quieter. His father has dementia and hearing difficulties, which makes large gatherings challenging for him.

When I suggested hosting our families separately to make everyone more comfortable, my husband immediately accused me of wanting an "Asian-only Christmas where we just do our own Asian thing." I was shocked because it had nothing to do with race - I was thinking about space, comfort levels, and very different celebration styles. My sisters boyfriend is white too, so it wasn't about excluding anyone based on race.

I ended up feeling so guilty that I changed my plans to invite his family, but I'm deeply troubled by his response and how quickly he turned a practical concern into a racial accusation. This isn't the first time he's done something like this - any discussion involving race tends to end badly.

I'm especially worried as we're expecting a child. What if our child had heard that comment?

Im also keen to hear from people in same race relationships, for Xmas if you were hosting at your home, do you also blend families - was it weird of me to say I didn't want to do that?

Whether you have or haven't what the hell do I do with this as feel really alone with this and could use some advice as I have no one I can talk to about this without judgement.

I’ve read all your updates before replying and after them I think your husband is immature, narrow minded, selfish and controlling. It’s not about being racist- he doesn’t like your family for being different and he doesn’t want even for a second to embrace “different”, he wants everything on his terms.
The Christmas situation became a thing not because Christmas was particularly important to him but because you refused to agree, you had your own opinion and that he couldn’t tolerate. He made it about race because he associated you and your family being different with race but it’s not. It’s more than this. I’m white and I would never go along with your husband, I despise people like him.
I don’t know how you are going to proceed with your relationship. Sorry. It won’t be easy because family life and especially parenting is all about compromise. It doesn’t look like your husband understands this. And his comments about night time feedings was very telling, he’s sexist as well and see your future child as your solo responsibility. Mind you as a SAHM I did most of night feedings but still not all and my DH was helping me as much as he could.

I’m glad that you have your big family around you - they sound great. And you sound like a strong woman so don’t doubt yourself. Good luck, you’ll get there.

I think this is completely off, we are mixed race relationship with children and host separately all the time, two reasons, 1.its easier to fit everyone in &, 2.everyone feels more comfortable without having to make small talk with those not in their immediate family.

I think you need to have an honest talk around where this has come from? It sounds like jealousy is at the root tbh.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I am unhappy at the moment

I cried yesterday as I felt so sad that I have made my baby probably sad and I feel guilt towards the child for not asking to be a part of this kind of disagreement.

DH gave me a hug today which I thought was sweet and said have we made up now, the which I replied I still had things I feel we need to resolve and all hell broke loose.

Wouldn't let me finish sentences and basically said I started it by being an area hole and selfish by excluding his family for dinner. He WILL not acknowledge my reasons for doing so and thinks I was just being selfish. He said he's apologised for his racially insensitive joke and why am I still dragging it on,

I explained because it's not the comment or the situation that's got me sad it's the lack of ever trying to understand my feelings and always shutting them down that means these things will keep happening so I want us to find a way to ensure they don't keep happening and our communication needs to change.

He called me mental and just said I know dragging it on and making it unpleasant.

I told him (he's had a few drinks) I refuse to discuss it until he's sober. I just have no words, I also don't want to put my therapist in awkward situations as to be honest I've had a few therapists who don't seem to be able to deal with race issues. Unless anyone can recommend I feel I have no option but to keep to myself I don't see what talking to anyone will do which is why I use this forum

When is your baby due ?
do you believe you will still be together by then.

I wish people would stop telling OP to have a “good talk” with her DH. He absolutely refuses to engage with her in a kind, loving, or respectful manner. I have been married 30 years and my dh has never spoken so cruelly to me. And I couldn’t stand my MIL.

OP this is about race but its not just about race. Its a question of fit, of temperament, of the relationship. You want more kindness, empathy, connection, love and he wants more silent compliance. He is a terrible husband and, I daresay, will be a careless and rude father.

You don’t have to apologize to your baby—but you do need to learn to respect your intuition and your value as a woman and mother in order to be the mother this baby needs.

Start to be more open with your therapist and your family. You need support. When he says you are “mental” or “sensitive” recognize those statements for what they are: the verbal batteering ram of narcissistic abuse. Its no different than having him shout “shut up” over snd i er again. Its socially acceptable for men to tell women they are witches, bitches, or crazy but its NOT OKin your marriage. Woman up and tell him to get stuffed. He can join you in making this marriage work or you should leave this lazy, boozy, anger monger will never admit he has any work to do. But if you don’t ask you don’t get. So at least ask him to behave like a human being for five minutes.

Exactly this.

People saying to work on communication have clearly never been in a relationship with someone like this.

There is no talking to them.

I'm sorry, OP. It seems like he fundamentally doesn't respect you. And that's very hard because I don't think you can change it.

I don't know what to suggest, really. Do you feel that you want to stay in the relationship?

Fucking hell he sounds like a right shit, not only that he’s gaslighting you into believing that he meant something else when he clearly wasn’t!! Why are you even still with someone like this - I’m not Caucasian (I’m Asian) and if my husband ever said that sort of thing to me … I would have to leave. I could never let my children see I was ok with that. I hope you feel better soon Op. I do feel for you.

@nam3c4ang3 how would you interpret what he said just out of interest? It's good to hear from other POC on this matter and also what makes you say he's gaslighting?

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves what makes you say there's lack of respect? I just had another argument with him and explained this - I said I just feel devalued, confidence knocked and like he doesn't respect me and when people love each other that's not how they feel

@Dreamsaregood he just think it's very selfish to only want my family round. He said he still sticks by that and that I was not being inclusive and he thinks it was selfish

He also said which is a valid point that I drag arguments out for days.

I do this because I can tell he still hasn't 'got it'- I can tell he will do a quick apology that doesn't sound meaningful so I feel it's not fully resolved. He thinks I'm just being difficult

A question , when your partner does something to upset you how do you resolve it without dragging it on for days?

@pizzaHeart thank you for reading my posts I appreciate it..

What about him do you think you wouldn't go along with? Are you referring to his Xmas plans?

@anonymousxmasposter Have you read my link yet or do you think it doesn't apply to you at all since it doesn't cover race?

You seem to be going round and round in circles and not seeing what is now quite obvious to some of us.

@AutumnFroglets I'm sorry I haven't seen your link - there's so many posts here I get lost, I'm not being awkward. Can you link again please? What was it about?

@AutumnFroglets what is obvious to some of us?

@anonymousxmasposter

Your behaviour from your comments.

You go round and round in circles and ignore what posters are saying.
Constantly repeating questions.
Asking for reassurance but not taking any advice.
It gets cumbersome and wearing after a while.

This was her link: https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse

And this was mine: https://ia802200.us.archive.org/19/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf

Yes.

That he is using anything, race, Christmas, his mates, as a stick to beat you with. He is manipulating and abusing you. He's now resorting to calling you mental. Abuse might only start when a woman is trapped ie pregnancy or after giving birth.

https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/emotional-abuse

That he is an abusive racist misogynist. That’s what’s obvious to some of us. We have said it, over and over, but you’re ignoring what we’re saying and then asking the same questions. Again. Over and over. Like you’re hoping the answers will change.

Boone is explaining why what he said was racist that's why. Was it inappropriate an racially insensitive? Yes. Racist, I'm not sure which is why I would like people to explain,

The thread has a lot of useful advice but most of it name calling without actually explaining

@ThatTealViewer why the name calling? What makes you summarise him so much from the small bits of information other thread? Genuinely curious to know.

There's a lot of name calling here without explaining why you feel such a way

What name calling?! What are you talking about? Calling him an abusive racist misogynist? That is not name calling. That is describing what he is. There has been no name calling on this thread.

I have written half a dozen comments detailing why he is an abusive racist misogynist. Would you like me to copy and paste them here for you? Multiple people have gone into detail about this.You have had SO MANY explanations. I genuinely don’t understand how, after all these comments, you’re still saying things like What makes you summarise him so much from the small bits of information other thread? Genuinely curious to know. Are you actually reading what’s been written? What’s going on, here?

You’ve been provided with links on abuse. READ THEM. You’re clearly not taking in what’s being said on this thread, so maybe the resources will get through to you. I’m not really sure what else to do.

@ThatTealViewer I've read them. Thank you