To not want to spend another sh*t Xmas with in laws

[Oopydoops]

Myself and DH are together 13 years. We have two DD aged 8 and 5. Every year since we met, we have spent Xmas with his family. The past few years have been awful, his brother is rude and arrogant, his sister spends the day sniping at everyone, her husband is the most pompous man I've ever met in my life and I'm sitting in a corner wishing I was anywhere but there. MIL is selling the house so it will be the last year in that house. But the thoughts of another Christmas wasted on arguments and backbiting and MIL ending up in tears makes me feel sick. My children aren't going to be young forever. I want to enjoy the magic with them. DH wants to go there, feels his mum will fall apart if we don't. I want to stay at home and possibly have my parents over. But I won't win this one. DH will put his foot down and say he's going with the kids and I can stay at home if I want. I honestly want to cry at the thoughts of another Xmas in the atmosphere of a funeral parlour. AIBU in not wanting to go even though it's the last Xmas in his childhood home?

Your H is a controlling prick. No one gets to dictate. Who does he think he is?

Tell him you will be spending the next 13 Christmases with your parents to redress the balance.

Of course you could always send him back to his parents for good! Controlling arse!

He's had the last 13 Christmases there! He needs to stop being so selfish and controlling!

Does your husband generally decide what you're doing? Is this an opportunity to consider how your family is working - because it doesn't sound as if you or the children are his priority.

He sounds as bad as them. Has he not heard of fairness?

"we do one year my family, the next year his, why aren't you doing that".
Has anybody asked the hosts, likely to be in middle age, what they'd actually like, or is it just assumed the people in middle age want to host - maybe they don't but feel obliged to.
"why aren't you doing that (going between in laws for them to sort out your Christmas dinner and not making your own) ... draw your own conclusions

Your husband sounds like a controlling twat. You should be able to spend Christmas with your parents and your children, particularly if your in laws ruin every Christmas Day.

What would happen if you stand up to him and take your kids to your parents for Christmas?

Sell the idea that maybe MiL might like a break this year. Stay home this year & maybe invite just MiL over.

Op it sounds really worrying that your dh has been so incredibly unreasonable?
Why have you never spent it wifh your parents? How do your parents feel?

You've never had Christmas at home in your own house with your kids???

Does your DH not understand that you guys are a family now?
And his mother is the granny not the head of his family.

Agreed!
Like fuck he would 😂 I’d wave him on his merry way but my kids would be going nowhere I’m afraid!

Why does he get to put his foot down harder than yours? It can’t be just one person that always has the final say? Be bold & say you’re staying home WITH the kids. He got his way last year!

OPs choice would be to make memories at her own home with her own family and her own mother is what I read.

What happens when you stand up to him, @Oopydoops ?

The MIL might be sick of it but unsure how to do her own thing after all these years. We don't know her thoughts. Nobody said the MIL was acting as a dictator Granny commanding people to come to her for Christmas

Just for context, house is being sold as it is now only her in it and it is far too big. I'm very fond of MIL. I would happily have her over for Xmas but it's the brother, sister and sisters dick of a husband I couldn't do. We used to split Xmas day and go to my parents in the morning and his in the evening, but that became too hard on the kids. We always have my parents over on Stephen's day or the day after if I have to work (healthcare). My parents, well, father and stepmother, always go to my step sister and brothers house as they live on the same road. I suspect DH is so adamant about going to MIL because his brother and sister will do nothing but bicker and verbally annihilate her. And I get that. I'm just sick of their family politics. I spoke to DH tonight and he's more than happy to spend next Xmas at home. (He's said that before though). And if it gets too much this year we will up and leave. It seems like every Xmas just gets worse and worse over there, like all the joy has been sucked out of it. However I will say my kids are treated like royalty over there. BIL and SIL, twats that they are, really do love my children, so I'm not concerned about them picking up on vibes or not enjoying themselves. It's me. I just don't want to go. And maybe it's compounded by the fact I'm working Stephen's day so I don't have that to look forward to.

Why does your husband get to decide? His family doesn't always have to take priority over yours.

After 13 years of getting his own way I think it’s time your husband stopped being so self centred and compromised. Maybe if he hadn’t got his way every single Christmas up til now you’d feel differently about spending one last Christmas in his childhood home with that lot of wankers.

Speaking of compromise, could you invite MIL (and only MIL) to yours for Christmas along with your family? She might fancy a change from what sounds like a horrible atmosphere year in, year out. Even if she says no thank you, you’re basically off the hook imo because the invitation was offered. That is literally the only compromise I’d make in your shoes though and only for MIL’s sake as her Christmases sound shit.

Christmas is for kids. They should be in their own home playing with their toys and enjoying their gifts. Not turning up to some miserable family member’s house with everyone sniping and being nasty. Stay at home with the kids. Dh can go to his miserable family and your parents can come to you.

The “last Christmas in his childhood home” thing is absolutely pathetic in a grown adult. These are his own children’s actual childhood Christmases being ruined! Dynamics in your family is weird. He’s more than had his turn. This year you choose. He can go to mummy’s on his own if he’s that bothered.

And keep the kids with you.

Tell your dh to send that in a message to you saying I swear on our marriage that next Christmas we will stay home and <b and sil> are not invited .

Have Christmas in your house with your family and invite his Mum. Let the other idiots do whatever they please. Bigger issue imo is your DH dictating and not alternating each year. In a relationship you give and take. Your turn to put your foot down!

Why can't you just invite your MIL to yours for Christmas day?

In your position, I'd privately ask MIL what she'd like to do. She's probably spent the last few decades trying to keep everyone else happy and she may appreciate someone actually listening to what she wants