To not want to spend another sh*t Xmas with in laws

[Oopydoops]

Myself and DH are together 13 years. We have two DD aged 8 and 5. Every year since we met, we have spent Xmas with his family. The past few years have been awful, his brother is rude and arrogant, his sister spends the day sniping at everyone, her husband is the most pompous man I've ever met in my life and I'm sitting in a corner wishing I was anywhere but there. MIL is selling the house so it will be the last year in that house. But the thoughts of another Christmas wasted on arguments and backbiting and MIL ending up in tears makes me feel sick. My children aren't going to be young forever. I want to enjoy the magic with them. DH wants to go there, feels his mum will fall apart if we don't. I want to stay at home and possibly have my parents over. But I won't win this one. DH will put his foot down and say he's going with the kids and I can stay at home if I want. I honestly want to cry at the thoughts of another Xmas in the atmosphere of a funeral parlour. AIBU in not wanting to go even though it's the last Xmas in his childhood home?

Yanbu... Christmas is give and take. Nobody gets to dictate every year!

Why does he get to dictate?

Totally agree, a Christmas like that turns it into a farcical obligation as opposed to a happy time.

DH will put his foot down and say he's going with the kids and I can stay at home if I want.

erm, what now?

When is your year with your family?

I worry about your relationship if this is dictated to you with no discussion. Ask him if you can take it in turns to decide where to spend Christmas each year. One year he has the difficult conversation with his parents saying you're not going. The next year you suck it up and go. Not great but at least better than the dictatorship you seem to be in now.

When do you usually see your parents then, if you always go to the ILs for Christmas?

Well, put your foot down as well, then. Tell him you've already agreed to spend it with X relative and they'll fall apart if you cancel.

Is he always a controlling dick?

This is a DH problem. My in laws' house is grim at Christmas - they always expected the DC to be seen and not heard. No fun at all. Very little festivity and just adults scoffing piles of cheese and wine, and ignoring 2 excited children.
Fortunately my DH saw how unfair this was for them so we go away for Xmas now, every year. We'll see the in laws at some point but not the main days.
My parents always made it fun. Why do you not get to see your parents on Christmas Day ever?

Your husband is controlling and you deserve better.

Why have your parents taken second place to his at Christmas for all these years?

Put your foot down. Tell your dh he is free to go but you will be staying home with the dc and your parents. And having a lovely time.

It's worrying that him and his family get to dictate this. Where do your wishes come into any of it? The only way to stop people walking all over you is to get up and advocate for yourself. Start now.

Why is it with his parents every year? Most people alternate between maternal and paternal grandparents. And how is it that he could “put his foot down” and take the kids anyway? Is there more to this than just Christmas, OP?

Is your 'D'H this controlling about everything in your life? Is your MIL more important than you, his DW? How come you have to see his awful family every single Christmas? What about your family? You have a DH problem, as well as a manipulative MIL problem.

Well OP I think you know YANBU but YABU for putting up with this shit year in and year out and staying married to a dictator. When do you see your family or get to prioritise your DC?

I think it's your parents turn for Christmas day this year.

Plenty see neither. Which is considerably easier.

This year it will be the 'last year in this house' and next year it will be 'the first Christmas in the house'
The excuses will keep on coming! Tell him he's welcome to go, but the kids will be with you and your parents!! Why does he get to dictate to you??

I use to take kids to my mums for lunch, he went to his mum and dads for lunch, then in the evening we’d have tea at ours. Strange put his family said Xmas was too commercial so didn’t buy presents and just mines about the cost. He was welcome to his day with the moaners.

That’s not really the point here though, is it? The OP is saying it’s always with her husband’s family and she would like, for once, for it to be with hers.

I don't blame you but i can understand your husband wanting to spend the last Christmas in his childhood home.

Presumably you don't have to stay the night or anything like that.

As it will be the last time, I would go. You can have a really nice boxing day with your children.

However it's up to you.

I can't understand why people are so obnoxious that they spoil things for others.

It sounds dreadful. If your own MIL is in tears then it's obviously not working. I've seen a few of these threads tonight and in the main have thought people should just tolerate each other for a day, but in your situation I would definitely say it's time to have a change thus year.

I'd say its your turn to have Xmas at your house with your parents. Let DH take the kids for a few hours and then come home for the rest of the day. Give your folks a turn at seeing you. Your in laws Christmas sounds intolerable.

What happens when he puts his foot down, as you say? Are you afraid of him? It is time to start your own traditions in your own home.

Why is MIL selling house? She's bereaved? She's struggling financially and downsizing? She's moving to the coast/to be near particular family? She already has a load of boxes for moving around her home? Big changes like moving home often change Xmas arrangements - MIL may be fed up hosting argumentative family but has anybody asked her her thoughts?

Erm you should be able to have your family over! Why does your husband get to dictate, that’s not normal. We do one year my family, next year his, why aren’t you doing that? I also wouldn’t be wasting my children’s precious Christmas’s on rubbish Christmas’s, tell your husband you and the kids are staying at home and have your family over this year. You dictate for a change.