To not want to spend another sh*t Xmas with in laws

[Oopydoops]

Myself and DH are together 13 years. We have two DD aged 8 and 5. Every year since we met, we have spent Xmas with his family. The past few years have been awful, his brother is rude and arrogant, his sister spends the day sniping at everyone, her husband is the most pompous man I've ever met in my life and I'm sitting in a corner wishing I was anywhere but there. MIL is selling the house so it will be the last year in that house. But the thoughts of another Christmas wasted on arguments and backbiting and MIL ending up in tears makes me feel sick. My children aren't going to be young forever. I want to enjoy the magic with them. DH wants to go there, feels his mum will fall apart if we don't. I want to stay at home and possibly have my parents over. But I won't win this one. DH will put his foot down and say he's going with the kids and I can stay at home if I want. I honestly want to cry at the thoughts of another Xmas in the atmosphere of a funeral parlour. AIBU in not wanting to go even though it's the last Xmas in his childhood home?

I’d look at this as a broader problem than Christmas. Your husband (and at Christmas, his family) make you do what they want every time. You cave because they push harder than you.
Even more concerning is his assertion that if you don’t want to go, he will take your children away from you for Christmas. He’s controlling and horrible for these things.

Ask MIL to your house with your parents- and not BIL and SIL.

If you’ve never read anything, watched anything, talked to anyone or had the least bit of basic intellectual curiosity, maybe.
I really don’t see why ‘living in the UK’ means you wouldn’t know it. People in the UK manage to have heard of Thanksgiving, to give one example.

Rude. I didn't realise either and I'm not a fucking idiot.

That’s often just down to tv though isn’t it?
Thanksgiving comes up in so many American films.

I heard of Boxing Day from British tv shows, newspapers, magazines etc. (I’m Irish) but people in the UK aren’t exposed to as much Irish media because we’re a lot smaller.

I don't think you are unreasonable to not want to go, but I think I would.

If the family home is being sold DH will want to have it there, as will MIL. It is not at all fair that it has been at that house for years. But I think there could be some resentment if you don't this year

I’m in Ireland OP and there’s no way I’d have put up with being dictated to at Christmas (or any other time of year!). Why does he get to decide what you do every year? Are you a traditional farming family with the man in charge of ‘big decisions’?

Does MIL really want the bother of hosting everyone knowing it will end in tears?
Take a stand now. Invite MIL to yours and your parents too and leave the bickering siblings to their own devices.

Tell DH he needs to think of how he can better support his mum and by inviting her to yours, it will take the hosting burden off her and she can relax and enjoy herself for once.

Well, I knew about it and I certainly don't claim to be any great brain. <<shrug>>

@rightinthedavinamccalls

• VegTrug @Oopydoops What is Stephen's day? Never heard of that

You know what she means. Stop pretending.*

I had to google it, never heard anyone say that.

That's nice dear

“Let’s start a new tradition - MIL comes to ours this year and then next year won’t be all about the first Christmas not in the childhood home. It should make it easier for everyone, rather than next year being this big looming ‘new’ event. Plus we get to set up our kids traditions now to make our about them and their childhood memories “

You need to put your foot down, you're too weak and wet. Tell him in a stern powerful voice that you and the girls are staying home this Christmas and that is that, the discussion is closed. Tell him he can split the family up and go spend Christmas over there if he wants, but he is not taking the children, AND, if he does decide to abandon you and the kids, he needs to think about whether he wants to come back or wants you to file for a divorce. Say it like you mean it! You need to be the stern one with the loud powerful voice as the wife and mother and matriarch that he takes notice of and realise that you are serious. Then say the discussion is now closed and you've told the kids you're staying home this Christmas, they are excited and you're now going to plan the food. Then leave the room.

It's that fucken simple, OP. Now go do it!

Genuine question, what is Stephen's day? Is it your husbands name and you're working on his birthday? Just wasn't sure if you meant to include his name on Mumsnet.

I would swap shifts and work Christmas day, on St Stephens Day I would celebrate Christmas with your DC and parents. The domineering husband could do whatever the fuck he wanted, solo. The nerve of him to threaten to take your kids and leave you alone on Christmas day. Is he like this when he wants his own way @Oopydoops how often is he using the kids as a weapon to get his own way?

This has legs.

Celebrate Christmas Eve with the kids, Christmas at the hospital [if your shift starts at 8am the kids will have opened their Santa gifts by the time you leave], everyone home Christmas night and head to your folks or they come to you on Boxing Day. If DH stays over on Christmas night, he could bring MIL and the kids back on Boxing Day morning. It's not ideal but it's one Christmas and you can make your own traditions from now on and in the clear for next year as you "covered Christmas Day this year" from a work perspective.

Boxing Day is called "St. Stephen's Day" in Ireland and it is never referred to as "Boxing Day" unless you buy a TV guide printed in the UK. Possibly elsewhere too - I have no idea re France and Spain for example. So the OP is perhaps either Irish or lives there. It's not some great conspiracy to catch out people not up to speed on Good King Wenseslas.

It’s not like the carol goes:

”Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen,
Which, by the way, is Boxing Day in case you didn’t know….”

I think that you and your kids deserve a family day at home to enjoy Xmas. You gone to your mil house and put up with his horrible relatives long enough. Your mil is not the problem so why don't you say to your husband - I want to stay at home and we can invite your mother and my parents here for Xmas day as I am working Stephens day.
Tell him your mother is getting older and she might like a day of not hosting but x & y relatives are not coming to your home. Tell him that you never had a Christmas day at home or spent an Xmas day with your parents and it your turn this year for this.

If your husband does not agree to this I tell him that you can change your shift to Christmas day so he will have deal with the kids on his own Christmas day. He can also do the Santa and Xmas shopping as it's his turn this year but you give him a list. He can bring the kids grocery shopping as well as it will give you a chance to get presents ready.

The reality is that Christmas days have to change when your married with kids. Also with parents who are getting older it not fair on them to be doing Xmas and catering for a crowd.
Then having to deal with ungrateful or horrible relatives who spoil the day is worse.

I think that you and your kids deserve a family day at home to enjoy Xmas. You gone to your mil house and put up with his horrible relatives long enough. Your mil is not the problem so why don't you say to your husband - I want to stay at home and we can invite your mother and my parents here for Xmas day as I am working Stephens day.
Tell him your mother is getting older and she might like a day of not hosting but x & y relatives are not coming to your home. Tell him that you never had a Christmas day at home or spent an Xmas day with your parents and it your turn this year for this.

If your husband does not agree to this I tell him that you can change your shift to Christmas day so he will have deal with the kids on his own Christmas day. He can also do the Santa and Xmas shopping as it's his turn this year but you give him a list. He can bring the kids grocery shopping as well as it will give you a chance to get presents ready.

The reality is that Christmas days have to change when your married with kids. Also with parents who are getting older it not fair on them to be doing Xmas and catering for a crowd.
Then having to deal with ungrateful or horrible relatives who spoil the day is worse.

Perhaps also point out to him that he wants his "last Christmas in his childhood home" because of the lovely memories, but your kids are not being allowed to build up any memories of their Christmas in their childhood home.
Doesn't he want them to have that warm, sentimental glow looking back?

I'm working Stephen's day so I don't have that to look forward to.

can you swap with someone and work Xmas day?

I don't think that is true, there will be other Christmases and anyway, there's Boxing day.

Boxing day is crap when you're a kid.

I always enjoyed Boxing Day as a kid, there was always something different to Christmas day and lots of nice food. It's what you make it. I can take it or leave it now.

I'm sorry, but if people clearly dislike each other and constantly bicker, trying to make them play a game requiring them to 'work together' is about the worst idea imaginable! Nothing causes arguments like forcing people to do things together when they don't get along.

Oh, I bloody LOVED Boxing Day when I was a kid. More than Christmas Day. It was always way more chilled, I didn't have to wear my best clothes, Boxing Day leftovers was actually better than Christmas dinner and we all had time to actually play with whatever we'd got given for Christmas. Obviously I loved Christmas Day too but Boxing Day was my favourite because the house wasn't crowded with guests and everyone was always really relaxed and my parents weren't running round like blue-arsed flies cooking a massive meal.