SAHM + Nanny

[Namechang3ds]

I’d be very grateful for some non judgemental views. I’ll start by saying that where we live in central London - Nannie’s are very popular!

I have two children who have a one year age gap exactly. So I am still in maternity leave with my second. Given the close age gap, we have a lovely nanny who is very much part of our family. She is really lovely and I look forward to seeing her everyday.

She helps me a lot - particularly taking my toddler to tonnes of stay and plays and baby classes and also taking care of them both so I can go to the gym etc.

I am really happy with my arrangement and we financially can afford it. But I went to a friends birthday over the weekend, and people looked at me with shock/confusion that I do not currently work (but I will go back in 6m) and also have a nanny. I didn’t disclose this info to them quickly but when it slipped into conversation it made me feel almost guilty…that I should be doing this with them both myself rather than having someone to help

Sorry for rambling it just got me down. But the way I see it is that she is lovely, it makes my life easier and I am happy! And I can afford it. It just made me feel bad.

oh I had 3 under 3 and I didn’t need a nanny

I had 3 under 2 and didn’t need a nanny, but my god I would’ve had as many nanny’s as I could afford!!!!

if mums happy, everyone’s happy!! It’s nice you kept her on because what would be the alternative? Letting her go for 6 months.

You aren't doing anything wrong- you are using your resources to benefit everyone. DChildren have a mum who isn't stressed and exhausted. You have time and space for your own wellbeing. Your Nanny has the kind of job most Nannies dream of and can keep it for the longer term. There is continuity in the caring relationships so the DC don't have to lose one Nanny then get used to another in a few months. To be able to get quality time with each child because Nanny is doing some of the routine tasks is a lovely way to build happy relationships before you start back at work, and the settled arrangement will help you get back into the swing of work when your Mat Leave comes to an end.
To have a Nanny whom you and your children love having around is the ideal. You would be mad to let her go.
Of course most mums don't have this opportunity. IME the judging or jealousy usually rear their heads when someone's good fortune creates an unfavourable contrast, showing up what's possible rather than allowing everyone to pretend the whole world is in the same boat.

Back in the day when people lived closer to/with extended families, everyone would have helped with childcare. Nowadays how we live means we have to pay professionals to do it.

Can’t see any issue with it.

Of course they’re jealous. I’m jealous 😂😂 I have 2 kids and almost no time for myself because me and my DH work opposite hours to save on childcare. If I could afford it I’d do what you’re doing. Plus it’s not like you’re never going back to work. Lots of people with 2 kids put their eldest in nursery when they have a second. So why is this different.

Wouldn't be for me but I certainly wouldn't give my opinion out loud to you...I'm all for live and let live!

I hate the judgment that comes with all aspects of parenting!

having a close gap is every reason possible to have a nanny and if you can afford it - crack on without the guilt.

Your dc will really benefit from the extra pair of hands

I wouldn’t worry about it. When I was a SAHM I had a cleaner. Couldn’t care less what people might have thought of that, especially as my kids were at primary school at the time.

Op I'm a sahm with a toddler and primary aged child and I have a nanny. We can afford it, I can ensure each of my dc have my attention without feeling split, I'm then also not bound with a toddler in tow if I need to do something, I don't need to drag my toddler on the school run, and if one child is sick I don't need to drag the other around to the doctors and attend to the I'll one with full attention.

Your friends are utterly jealous that is all. I don't think a single person would turn down help if they could. Around here (London too), it's very normal to have help (Nannie's, cleaners) regardless of sahp or working.

I would do the same if I had the resources, except I’d also hire a cleaner and a chef also.
I am sure the time with your children is quality time because you’re rested and happy. I am
also sure you’ll live longer than those of us that went through it sleep deprived or with anxiety issues from the exhaustion and pressure of it.

Enjoy your beautiful kids and family & your life. Your job is to be a Mother not a martyr.

This reminds me of my cousin recently telling my Mum that she has never had a dishwasher and neither did my great Aunty, who also didn’t drive. As I said to my Mum, nobody is going to give you a medal for being ‘hard working Italian peasant of the year’.

Just live your life and be happy & welcome to Motherhood where any information you share can, will and could be used against you. I would say it’s probably envy, of just amazement you can afford it.

I had three under three ,and just about managed .
But I think your set up is bliss .
If I could of afforded that I would
And I bet most people would too ,if they were honest.
People have no right poking their noses in and giving opinions when not asked for .
Good for you ,I say

I worked as a nanny before I had my first child. When she was 2 I did my nursing training,there was an onsite crèche, she loved it. I put off having anymore I became a registered child minder after baby number 3. It was easier than trying to go out to work. Maternity leave was 3 months after the birth in those days. I had 4 altogether. Only child no parental help,my late DM worked ft. I worked nights to h days and visa Versa. By the time I had my 4th second marriage my late father was terminally ill,DM dead. I was the classic sandwich generation. Not a bit jealous, I wanted to bring up my kids myself.

Yes! An 18 month old and a 6 month old!

I’m bringing my DD up to do what works for her. People will always find a way to judge if they want to, whatever choices you make.

How many hours does she work?

Then I’ll judge 😂

I have been added to a group with these people and it is non stop comparing of babies (for the 3h I’ve been in the group!) and everyone almost “competing” as to who is sleeping the least and teething the worst. It is exhausting!!

It’s your choice OP, and there’s nothing wrong with having 2 carers - if you have a good nanny it’s no different to having a helpful grandparent around. However, the vast majority of families can’t afford such a luxury, so I would suggest you keep quiet about it in future, unless all your friends are equally minted. Because people will feel jealous, and that’s when they’ll make derogatory remarks.

It’s just plain and simple jealousy op brush it off. It is no one else’s business how you run your life and so what if they had 3 under 3. Good for them, we all parent differently and I can bet anything if it was a man who was in your position and hired a nanny it would be applauded.

if I could of afforded a nanny when my youngest (4 now) was a baby I absolutely would have!

I had 2 under 2 and kept eldest in nursery 3 days a week. I have spoken to others similar who didn't use childcare when second came along and they really struggled!
Congratulations on getting time to yourself, I'm sure after a swim or a gym session you're recharged and in a better mood with your kids!

They’re jealous. Ignore them.

I was a SAHM with a part time nanny. We also outsourced lots of other things as well. I believe in making life as easy as you can.

To be honest, when I was in the thick of sleepless nights and relentless days at home with two under three I’d have been jealous of someone in this situation OP and I would think you are very lucky. I think the same of people who have really helpful and hands on grandparents. It isn’t easy doing it all on your own. But that’s not your problem so don’t worry, acknowledge you’re fortunate to be in your position and try not to ever complain about how difficult life with two small children is when in the vicinity of people less fortunate as that will not go down well.

Very true about a man! I didn’t think of it this way.

I am very mindful of this.

How often do you have her around?

A few hours a week, I would think it’s a good idea.

But if it was a FT nanny then I must admit I would judge a bit.

Not in a nasty way but more of a surprised way because surely you become a SAHP to spend time with the kids.
And it would imply that your DH doesn’t do much parenting alone at all.

If I had money then I would absolutely get a regular chef, gardener and cleaner etc but I wouldn’t have a regular nanny unless I was a single parent.
I would get a babysitter to do irregular hours.

I do think it’s a good idea to have the nanny get to know the kids before you go back to work and so that is a good idea.

I don’t think you should care what other people think though.
Some celebs have a live in nanny and barely parent their kids at all.

we have a toddler and baby and have nanny for evenings when my partner isn’t around and cleaners x 6 days a week. I feel oddly guilty and underplay it to others. I recently met a woman whose eldest is in nursery and she is on mat leave with baby AND has a FT live in nanny. And she wasn’t embarrassed about it at all. Her husband works long hours and they have no family help and she said if her mother could she’d come and stay but she can’t so this is next best thing. And I thought good on you and it me question why I feel embarrassed and why some people judge other mums for having help. As another poster says there are no medals. We should each do what is right for us. I’m getting a nanny now for going back to work and I’ve decided to get her to start 2 months before I go back so I can have some time to do all the many things I never have time for, like getting my hair cut, going to dentist, de cluttering and also some nice stuff without guilt.

Look at them like they are a bit stupid (which they clearly are) and say 'buuttt..... I'm going to need her when I go back to work in 6 months?!' this way I get a good judge of how she is with my children before I leave them alone with her all day'/'do you think if I make her redundant while I'm on ML she llbe hanging round for 6 months and free when I go back to work? Of course she won't, and then I have the stress of finding another nanny as fabulous as her and build up that trust again. This way seems a better investment of my money in the children's safety, security and my peace of mind to me but hey ho we are all different I guess'
And even if you were never to go back to work do I/you think they wouldn't jump at the chance of an extra pairs of hands?!, course they would unless they are a martyr