SAHM + Nanny

[Namechang3ds]

I’d be very grateful for some non judgemental views. I’ll start by saying that where we live in central London - Nannie’s are very popular!

I have two children who have a one year age gap exactly. So I am still in maternity leave with my second. Given the close age gap, we have a lovely nanny who is very much part of our family. She is really lovely and I look forward to seeing her everyday.

She helps me a lot - particularly taking my toddler to tonnes of stay and plays and baby classes and also taking care of them both so I can go to the gym etc.

I am really happy with my arrangement and we financially can afford it. But I went to a friends birthday over the weekend, and people looked at me with shock/confusion that I do not currently work (but I will go back in 6m) and also have a nanny. I didn’t disclose this info to them quickly but when it slipped into conversation it made me feel almost guilty…that I should be doing this with them both myself rather than having someone to help

Sorry for rambling it just got me down. But the way I see it is that she is lovely, it makes my life easier and I am happy! And I can afford it. It just made me feel bad.

Not quite the same but I’m a SAHM and my son goes to nursery 2 days a week and has since 12 months. 2ndbaby will do the same probably earlier. I can’t parent 24/7, it’s exhausting and I don’t enjoy it day in day out. People think we are nuts ‘wasting money’ but it works for us and we can afford it. Don’t feel bad about the decisions that work for your family.

It's nobody else's business. Two babies means hard work and you are going back to work in six months. It's a good idea to have this time to get to know your nanny before you leave your children in their care for longer.

I say, "Good for you". You can afford it and nobody should begrudge you (they probably would have liked similar).

Ignore any judgement, we had help while the children were young. No reason to suffer if you can

Op I’ve been kosher for being a sahm, then judged (by a lot of the same people) for working ft with kids. People judge away but not one will help you out, or present you with viable options, and as others said NOBODY says it to men. Plus offer and of them a person to help them out they’d grab for it!!

They’re jealous as hell - so am I so I feel qualified to tell you it’s absolutely their problem not yours!

Don’t feel bad! I know many SAHP’s who have nanny, we know one who has a live-in. Most would if they could afford it and had the space!

I did this (23 month gap) and fondly remember having valuable one to one time with the baby while our Nanny + toddler were at the park and taking the toddler swimming while our Nannie cuddled the baby in the sports centre cafe!

Everyone's a winner!

Yes I thought exactly the same.

Do people expect you to pay the nanny not to work when you are on maternity leave or to let her go from your employment?
Surely what you are doing is best for you, your children and your nanny. Your return to work is going to be much less stressful than it could be, and you are giving your nanny job security.

Surely most people if they could afford it would like to have this kind of help? You read and hear countless women at breaking point managing everything.

Sometimes motherhood is a weird race to the bottom. "Oh your baby ONLY wakes 5x a night you're so lucky! My baby wakes every 10 mins."

Maybe use some of your free time to prepare your return to work by studying for better qualifications that would be useful in the future.

It’s about money isn’t it? You can afford it and most people can’t. And if you tell people facts that make it obvious you are much wealthier than them they can show their jealousy with their reactions.

I kept my eldest in nursery 3 days a week while I was on mat leave with my youngest 🤷🏼‍♀️ It’s the same really.

God that is truly grim and shocking. That is literally what a mum is for. Why on earth would you have babies if you can't even be bothered to tend to them yourself at night? I can understand needing help day to day with practical stuff, but outsourcing actual mothering, just no!

It’s quite normal if you have a nanny for child 1 and are then on mat leave for child 2. No one in their right mind would remove their elder children from nursery while on mat leave with a younger one! They’re jealous & judgy. Just ignore.

Their attitude shows how undervalued childcare workers are. If you had a really brilliant PA at work nobody would think the PA should be let go while you were on maternity leave.

Ignore them. It's your life and you live it as you see fit.

I'm a single parent and I've had it all over the years. How they know what it's like because their DH works away. That the little bit extra I used to get on top of child benefit must make a huge difference. How they would do things differently if they were me. How they managed with 3 DC (forgetting that they had a husband and cleaner). How they managed during the war.

Do you have a 6 month old and an 18 month old. That’s a lot of manage. At 18 months a lot of babies hate very mobile, but not very verbal. I imagine an extra pair of hands is a godsend. You are also giving your nanny employment in what sounds like a lovely setting. Finding a nanny who is a good fit for your family and wants to stay for many years can be really hard. If you have slime that, you have a nanny with holding onto, even when in maternity leave. Win win.

Sorry - lots of typos.

So (not Do)
are (not hate)

Oh and have found that. Really need to proof read!!!!

God that is truly grim and shocking. That is literally what a mum is for. Why on earth would you have babies if you can't even be bothered to tend to them yourself at night?

Ugh, that response is 'grim and shocking'. You've evidently no idea what some babies are like at night! I never had a 'night nanny' but I can remember the sheer bloody grinding exhaustion well enough to understand why some women would dearly love to have one!

What are dads for then?

Theres no difference between requiring help during the day and requiring help at night. Some people are lucky enough to have family to help, others are lucky enough to be able to buy it.

I think this is really common, you obviously don’t want to lose the nanny if you’re happy! It’s the same with nursery spots - they’re so hard to find that you cling on to them for dear life! Def try not to feel judged, I think it’s either awe or envy, and possibly them trying to reassure themselves they are happy with their own choices!

Surely this is the norm - it's what I did and most of my friends. The alternate is to give notice to your nanny and then have to recruit/train up a new nanny when you go back to work ?I had - and still have 15 years later - a great relationship with our nanny and no way would I have given her notice. I took about 5 months leave with her there.

How very odd of these people to be making what sound like negative comments about a subject that appears to be nothing to do with them ?

I hope that you and your family have a very happy time and i wish you all the best when you go back to work - which is likely to be much easier with a nanny who is secure in her role and knows the children and you well.

Motherhood often seems to be such a race to the bottom / no one has it as hard as me etc.

The worst one I ever heard was to a widow with 2 young children who were told, there are lots of single mothers and they all cope absolutely fine and she ‘knew how hard it was’ because her husband worked away once a month.

It’s utterly ridiculous.

I think it sounds like you’ve got a brilliant set up and a good Nanny is worth their weight in gold so hang on to her and ignore the obviously very jealous people! Do what works for you and your family.