SAHM + Nanny

[Namechang3ds]

I’d be very grateful for some non judgemental views. I’ll start by saying that where we live in central London - Nannie’s are very popular!

I have two children who have a one year age gap exactly. So I am still in maternity leave with my second. Given the close age gap, we have a lovely nanny who is very much part of our family. She is really lovely and I look forward to seeing her everyday.

She helps me a lot - particularly taking my toddler to tonnes of stay and plays and baby classes and also taking care of them both so I can go to the gym etc.

I am really happy with my arrangement and we financially can afford it. But I went to a friends birthday over the weekend, and people looked at me with shock/confusion that I do not currently work (but I will go back in 6m) and also have a nanny. I didn’t disclose this info to them quickly but when it slipped into conversation it made me feel almost guilty…that I should be doing this with them both myself rather than having someone to help

Sorry for rambling it just got me down. But the way I see it is that she is lovely, it makes my life easier and I am happy! And I can afford it. It just made me feel bad.

yes fair point

Y have kids if u r doing yr one thing and someone else is looking after them different if u were working, people will think u can’t cope or don’t like yr children and r selfish.

Why would anyone think like? The OP doesn’t look like she can’t cope or selfish. It’s no different from using a childminder or nursery. Everyone I know used a nanny or nursery.

Eloquently put

let me guess

you home educate? 😆

No that was the point of the nanny - she did flexible care so worked 2 days a week around my friend's shifts. Her husband also makes decent money but the flexible schedule was the key. The nanny either brought her own child or her mother watched him so the whole setup was ideal for my friend.

(Also she unfortunately lost one of her children as an infant so has 3 children now)

When I had my children I soon realised that you will be judged no matter what you do.
My Dad always says ‘those that matter don’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter’
If your family is safe and happy then who gives a crap about what anyone else says.

If I could afford a nanny, I would get one! Mine are 18 months apart, I'm on maternity leave, but find life so stressful at the moment. You are able to look after your mental and physical health, and this is turn helps your children.

Just don't tell people your arrangement, and you will be happier

Good for you I say. If you can afford it why not and it’s good for your children also because they won’t see you stressed, you’ll have more time to spend with them individually.

Ignore them. It’s jealousy. If I could have afforded a nanny during my maternity leave I would have loved it - I was so sleep deprived and lonely. Sometimes motherhood is seen as a race to the bottom, like we’re surviving a war: “I had two hours of sleep last night ho ho ho! I’m losing my hair due to stress and I’ve got black circles but #mumlife!” No! Expect more!

Ignore them. It’s not a competition - stupid people! Remember a relative saying to me ‘oh you’re a proper family now’ when I finally had a second baby after a long gap because of miscarriages. It stung. Nowadays I’d tell her to sling her hook!

If you can afford it then 🤷🏽‍♀️.

I don't think there's many parents of 2x small children who'd not like an extra pair of hands to help with the kids.

It's nothing to do with anyone else. It's not like you're palming off the kids to someone else all day, every day. If anything, that extra person probably helps to take some of the stress out of things to help you be a better parent.

If I could afford it, I absolutely would.

Do what is right for you. Stand Ur ground.. absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. I'm happy for u. U and Ur kids and nanny all will be happy. Brilliant.

Plus as well, quite often a grandparent would give the support nanny is giving. Nobody would bat an eyelid at that...

I'll own up to it. I'm jealous! If I could have afforded a nanny when they were young, in fact, even now, I wouldn't hesitate.
The fuller your cup is, the more you have to put into your family x

That is exactly how this group they’ve added me to is!! Constant one upmanship as to whose baby sleeps the least, who has what nursery illness, how many tantrums they have etc. It’s exhausting!

What a disgusting comment. Horrible horrible. ❤️

I think it’s fine .
You are going back to work at some point soon and want to have the little ones already settled with someone they know and to have some consistency.
My situation was different .
I had 3 small children and I wasn’t going back to work ( not for a long time )
I had no help at all ( not even granny or an auntie to take over / help out on occasion .
I did struggle and wished I could have had some help to have a little bit of time to myself but I couldn’t afford it

They are jealous.

I think you’re very lucky to be able to afford it and get regular time to yourself so they are envious. It doesn’t mean what you are doing is wrong. I think it’s sensible as you don’t want to lose her for when you go back to work. Depending on the age of your baby and how much time you are at the gym etc it might seem like you are outsourcing or not spending enough time with the baby. For example if nanny has both kids 4 hours a day everyday and your baby is a month old I’d say you are risking bonding with your baby and not being a present main caregiver.

I am SO jealous! Would absolutely have done that if I could afford to.

It's very common to have a nanny on mat leave or as a sahm around here (affluent part of N London). I'm a sahm and I am often in the minority at baby/toddler classes, as most of the other adults there are nannies.

I had a larger age gap and had my eldest in pt nursery from age 2.5 - that worked out perfectly for me as I got to do all the baby classes and have one to one time with my youngest that I had with my older child. So I can see the value of having childcare for an older child when you have a younger baby. I loved doing classes and activities with both my dcs and I would have been sad not to be able to do them with my younger one.

Financially we could afford a nanny but I wouldn't have liked it - I'm a very private person and wouldn't like to have someone so intimately involved with our family and being in our family home. But I can certainly see the advantages of having one - my youngest has just started pt nursery but she was with me 24/7 until then. I've had to put off non-urgent appointments and put my hobbies on hold, and haven't had a late night out with my DH since my dcs were born. But for me that was a conscious choice, knowing that I will have plenty of time for myself once both dcs are in ft school because I won't be returning to work in the school years.

Only in the UK do people have problems with other families who pay for help with childcare.
I remember even my nanny judging me as I let her bring her child to work and she was telling me she couldn’t do any other job that would take her away from her child.
in an ideal world, we would be living in a communal type scenario where everybody sort of helped everybody else, in the real world you have to create your own ‘village’ that usually involves spending money on outsourcing stuff including childcare.
you will always be a parent to your kid even if you have paid help so ignore the jealous people.

Good for you!

You're not stressed or tired. You have your own life. You're contributing to job creation by employing a nanny. You have company to keep away loneliness and depression. You have expert trained help for when you don't knownwhat to do.

It's like having your mum stay for your mat leave.

And the royals and aristocracy do it.

Motherhood isn't supposed.to be doing it all and being exhausted. It's not a competition.

Well done, you. Ignore the judges and rock on.

Having an extra pair of hands is great and I certainly would have appreciated the help. But I think it really depends how much time the children are being looked after by the nanny whilst you do your own thing. Those mothers you met sound very hands on, they're probably a bit jealous but also a bit confused/shocked if you're regularly leaving the kids with the nanny while you're not working.