SAHM + Nanny

[Namechang3ds]

I’d be very grateful for some non judgemental views. I’ll start by saying that where we live in central London - Nannie’s are very popular!

I have two children who have a one year age gap exactly. So I am still in maternity leave with my second. Given the close age gap, we have a lovely nanny who is very much part of our family. She is really lovely and I look forward to seeing her everyday.

She helps me a lot - particularly taking my toddler to tonnes of stay and plays and baby classes and also taking care of them both so I can go to the gym etc.

I am really happy with my arrangement and we financially can afford it. But I went to a friends birthday over the weekend, and people looked at me with shock/confusion that I do not currently work (but I will go back in 6m) and also have a nanny. I didn’t disclose this info to them quickly but when it slipped into conversation it made me feel almost guilty…that I should be doing this with them both myself rather than having someone to help

Sorry for rambling it just got me down. But the way I see it is that she is lovely, it makes my life easier and I am happy! And I can afford it. It just made me feel bad.

Jealousy, pure and simple.

Just because people can 'manage' doesn't mean to say they are thriving. More like surviving.

I had a lot of help early on OP and it made a world of difference.

Enjoy your life!!

Yes she is FT.

It really does make a diff, I feel much happier and content and genuinely enjoying life!

You have a nanny you know, like and trust with your children! You'd have been stupid to let her go whilst on mat leave. Ignore the others.

ah you summarised how I feel!

I didn’t have a nanny, we could never have afforded it but I’m going to guess that your husband (and yourself) earns a bloody good salary. Bloody good salaries inevitably come with long hours and he’s probably not much help when he is around and, frankly, he needs to be engaging with the children in the limited time he’s at home. My husband worked away and it was fucking hard. Why out yourself through that shit if you can afford not to??

when I had my 3rd I was a member of a gym that had a crèche and he was in that crèche the very day he turned 6 weeks old (and the staff couldn’t wait to get him)

There are no prizes for doing it all and “managing” mother and children both benefit if mum can look after herself.

when I was in the thick of it I’d have been jealous as hell, no doubt. But that’s my issue, not yours.

This kind of judgement is sadly often how people express their jealousy. Ignore them. Your set up sounds ideal for your family.

Why struggle when you have the means to make parenting more manageable. Ignore the judgement, it usually stems from jealousy. I would have loved a nanny when mine were that age, it is exhausting! Your probably a better parent for having the help rather than being stressed and run off your feet.

Also, my husband regularly works 13-14h days and travels abroad every week usually 2-3 times so the nanny really does help!!

Tbh this is awful and will cause you problems. Leave and find your people elsewhere

Yes. Regularly travels abroad 2-3 days a week and works 13-14h days and evenings!

Take absolutely no notice- they're just jealous. She's nice, you get on. What's not to like!

Sahm here. I wouldn't have liked a nanny (but that's because I really enjoyed being with my children + didn't want anyone else to do it, trustissues) but I would never have judged you. I think I would have been jealous of you being able to trust someone with your baby (which is sane, I'm the loony one with trust issues) to get some time for myself. The thing is people will always judge. I had mums telling me "don't know how you can take care of your children all the time, don't you get bored?". I could have told them that I wouldn't leave my children to a childminder (having 4 children at charge) at 3 months old if I don't have to having seen how a lot of them (not all) talk about children and how it's bordering on neglect when they let them "cry it out" instead of comforting them. You are lucky as you have a motivated lovely nanny who only do your kids. Kids are happy, you are happy and it's really great for all of you. Don't listen to what envious/ignorant people say. You know you are doing what's Best for YOUR family and in the end that's all that matters.

YADNBU, I have a 17 month age gap and was able to survive the first year with both only by keeping my son in nursery 4 days a week. I appreciate that (like you) we were very lucky to be able to afford childcare when I was on mat leave, but I would have really struggled with both full time. I also appreciate that lots of people do have to struggle with 2, 3 or more young children and lots besides and don’t have this luxury, but I’m not suffering for the sake of it or out of some misplaced sense of solidarity with others!

It's got fuck all to do with anyone else.

It makes your life easier
It's giving someone employment.

win/win as far as I'm concerned.

Nobody's handing out medals for wearing yourself out doing everything. If you can afford help and want help then there's nothing wrong with that.

Gosh, no. You're giving your family and children as much support as possible. That can't be bad.

My DMil flew over to stay when DT’s were born. She was a teacher and luckily they were born just at the start of the long summer school holidays. She did the majority of the night feeds for the DT’s and got them into a good routine. If she hadn’t been able to come over, I would have paid for a night nanny.

That's like my DH. It's not changed and kids are much older now.

I really needed the help back then. Don't ever feel guilty about this.

I never went back OP by the way. I wanted to spend more time with my children.

I guess they implied I was lazy and didn’t take care of my kids!

Well I suppose most SAHM don’t “need” a nanny, but I don’t really need online shopping deliveries, a robot hoover, and a cleaner every week but it makes my life more bearable and we can afford it. Do what you want OP it’s nobody’s business what you and your family do, if it works for you smile and carry on are you are.

I've just seen update that your nanny is full time. I would judge tbh and not because of jealously! Just not what I would personally do...but as I said before I certainly wouldn't voice it and make you feel shit about it as it's whatever works for you.

Yeah, because sacrifice is glorified!! So, so sad. Good for you, OP!!!

Honestly leave this group. Like you say it’s common in London to have Nannie’s I’m sure there will be other places with more like minded mothers who don’t see it as some sort of competitive martyrdom

They're just jealous. I think you all get the best of everything this way. Better for the kids. Better for you.