SAHM + Nanny

[Namechang3ds]

I’d be very grateful for some non judgemental views. I’ll start by saying that where we live in central London - Nannie’s are very popular!

I have two children who have a one year age gap exactly. So I am still in maternity leave with my second. Given the close age gap, we have a lovely nanny who is very much part of our family. She is really lovely and I look forward to seeing her everyday.

She helps me a lot - particularly taking my toddler to tonnes of stay and plays and baby classes and also taking care of them both so I can go to the gym etc.

I am really happy with my arrangement and we financially can afford it. But I went to a friends birthday over the weekend, and people looked at me with shock/confusion that I do not currently work (but I will go back in 6m) and also have a nanny. I didn’t disclose this info to them quickly but when it slipped into conversation it made me feel almost guilty…that I should be doing this with them both myself rather than having someone to help

Sorry for rambling it just got me down. But the way I see it is that she is lovely, it makes my life easier and I am happy! And I can afford it. It just made me feel bad.

Exactly this!

Being a SAHP means you’ve chosen to stay at home and focus on parenting (clues in the name), so of course people are going to raise an eyebrow when you’re hiring a FT nanny to do it.

There was a thread a while ago from a ‘SAHM’ whose kids were at college and uni.
There were many eyebrows raised because she wasn’t by definition a SAHP.

Same thing here.

But as you are on maternity leave then it’s irrelevant.
You just tell people that you’re currently on maternity leave and have a FT nanny because you can’t cope with 2 kids and you can afford it.

Lots of celebs have FT nanny’s.

This. Assuming this is the nanny you had before you went on mat leave, who was looking after the older one when you were working, you are ensuring that both your children will be looked after by someone you like and trust, and there will be that consistent bond.

A good friend of mine did this. She paid for the full time nanny to continue for a whole year while she was on mat leave, to ensure continuity of care. And then when her children started nursery and school, she continued paying the nanny full time (otherwise the nanny could not have stayed), so the nanny was there at pick up, and after school, and during kids sick days, inset days, holidays etc etc. And the nanny at one point was volunteering at the school as a sort of Teaching Assistant in the classroom, to keep herself busy during the day!
The kids are now 13 and 10 and the nanny is still there - and they have a lifelong bond, which is lovely. It's just a matter of you being able to afford it, which you clearly can.

You do have to acknowledge the extreme wealth and fortune of being able to afford your arrangement. If you called yourself a SAHM then let slip you have a full time nanny, I expect you got people’s backs up because you were dishonest about your privilege.

yes i get that

my point is… she no doubt made the same error when talking to the people who supposedly judged her the other night

Accidents happen!

No she wasn't. She was a forthright American. It was a McMillan coffee morning and a friend had brought her along. Friend apologised to me afterwards. There was this big silence when she said it. Everyone was embarrassed. She didn't know my situation (the adoption or the special needs), just that I wasn't working.

exactly
she didn’t know your situation
she didn’t know you
she was having coffee and absent minded chewing the fat

There was this big silence when she said it.

because someone joked “so you’re a kept woman”

goodness, sounds like a fun coffee morning

any reason why her being American is relevant?

I actually look back and wish I'd paid for some help because I would have been a better mother.

Also I think it is really lovely for your kids that the nanny's bond with the older child continues and the bond with the baby will be growing during your maternity leave. The transition when your return to work will be so much easier on them.

Also, you are getting to know her very well so you'll have the upmost of confidence in her hopefully. Which makes it so much easier.

She was a blunt New Yorker. In my experience British women aren't so blunt.

We spend £2k on nursery fees and I’m on mat
leave. I’m also going to get an ad hoc nanny for 1 day/ afternoon for my younger child (when he’s 3/4 months and not breastfed)
so I can go swimming etc. if my parents lived close I’m sure they’d help… but they don’t. No one would bat an eyelid if it was your mum… but a nanny sounds fancy, even when it’s not.

We can afford our childcare, my husband and children are happy, we have a great balance.do what you want! Life is for living, you’re not a martyr.

But why would you judge? It’s the perfect set-up if you can afford it and don’t have family help close by. I had a 20 month old and a newborn. The baby needed naps just when my toddler was starting to drop naps. Their waking and sleeping schedules were never in line with each other. Having a full time nanny meant that my 20 month old could go to the park whilst I was feeding and settling my baby. Or I could have a fun bath time with my toddler whilst my nanny soothed my baby to sleep. Or my nanny could watch the kids whilst I made lunch/dinner or vice versa. Or after a night of being awake with a teething baby all night, I could rest whilst my nanny watched them so they had a happy, refreshed mummy by mid morning.

What is there to judge about having someone on hand to help provide the best care for your children? One person doing it alone all day every day isn’t best for anyone and it wasn’t the norm. As I had to regularly remind my MIL, she had her own mum 2 doors down and on hand 24/7 whilst she was “raising her own children, not paying someone else to do it” 🙄.

I'd have had a nanny for only one baby if I could have afforded it- I had live in grandparents which were just as good ! Obviously they're just jealous - ish you're choice and say 'yeah I'm really lucky i appreciate the help it works well for us'

Me too! :-)

The woman who said that to you wants a medal but personally I feel she should just go fuck herself.

In my opinion, if you come across a postpartum mum the only thing you should say to her is something along the lines of "well done for even bloody showering and getting out of the house". Why can't women just support other women?

That's good for you. It's not the perfect set up in my opinion.
Just not what I'd choose.
We all judge, it's human nature...the same way you've judged your MIL for having her different opinion. It's not a competition, it's what suits best in different circumstances...and one size doesn't fit all!

Haven’t judged my MIL, have raised my eyebrows at the hypocrisy of her judging me for paying for help when she also had help from her mother. We don’t all live next to family.

I try not to judge, as you say, it’s personal choice. And I certainly wouldn’t express any judgement out loud!

* I would judge tbh and not because of jealously! Just not what I would personally *

@Bleachbum so you judge the OP because she does something that you wouldn’t do.

but also I try not to judge, as you say, it’s personal choice.

You don’t try very hard!

I don't think people are necessarily jealous, it's about understanding how different people feel about parenting.

We had little help, when I wasn't at work part time I was always with my children, barely had anytime away from them. As hard as it was I loved it. My neighbour had a much bigger age gap but had her family almost on rotation of taking her children out/overnight. I don't think she's ever loved being a Mum like I do so it was always harder for her.

People have different levels of what they can cope with. Mine are 18 months apart and I wouldn't have traded in the baby groups for anything.

I have a friend who had a nanny all through when her 4 kids were small. She's a nurse so works shifts and standard childcare wouldn't help her. She had the same nanny from when her first was a year to when her last went to nursery - through 3 maternity leaves. I was nothing but vaguely envious of the setup.

My husband and I are immigrants so have 0 help. When my kids were small he travelled a lot for work and it was a mess. I was so tired and so overwhelmed I ended up with both mental and physical challenges that are issues to this day (and my youngest is 8!). I am 100% sure that it benefits the family forever if you can find a better balance than we did and I should absolutely have figured out how to get more help in those days.

And even at our income we kept my daughter nursery 3x a week while I was on my second maternity leave - she was happy and settled and we'd never have gotten her place back if we'd given it up anyway.

Plenty of people get help from family, plenty have partners who are around more than yours, plenty are single parents with multiple children and not enough money, plenty of parents are solo parents while their partner deploys or works abroad for years... there's really no reason to compare your life to anyone else's as there's no 'winning'. These women sound toxic and delete their WhatsApp immediately.

@PurpleThistle7 a nurse with 4 children and a full time nanny?!

A nurse? I’m guessing very high earning partner!

I agree with this.
with regards to the vile lady thinking she is mother of the year.
she IS managing it on her own though, she is paying for this herself. Structuring the days as she sees fit. Ensuring she isn’t exhausted and overwhelmed so she can parent to the best of her ability. Why would you deem her more of a mother if she was exhausted?
and who the fuck are you to judge the op. It’s literally nothing to do with you.

Why? For some of us baby groups and classes are hell on earth. Not everyone has a sudden switch of interests as soon as they give birth