SAHM + Nanny

[Namechang3ds]

I’d be very grateful for some non judgemental views. I’ll start by saying that where we live in central London - Nannie’s are very popular!

I have two children who have a one year age gap exactly. So I am still in maternity leave with my second. Given the close age gap, we have a lovely nanny who is very much part of our family. She is really lovely and I look forward to seeing her everyday.

She helps me a lot - particularly taking my toddler to tonnes of stay and plays and baby classes and also taking care of them both so I can go to the gym etc.

I am really happy with my arrangement and we financially can afford it. But I went to a friends birthday over the weekend, and people looked at me with shock/confusion that I do not currently work (but I will go back in 6m) and also have a nanny. I didn’t disclose this info to them quickly but when it slipped into conversation it made me feel almost guilty…that I should be doing this with them both myself rather than having someone to help

Sorry for rambling it just got me down. But the way I see it is that she is lovely, it makes my life easier and I am happy! And I can afford it. It just made me feel bad.

Did you go back to work in between mat leaves?

dod you make the same error when you were talking to these people who supposedly judged you?

Not planned maybe? Or maybe like me, time isn’t on her side due to age and it was a now or never thing.

I have 3 under 3 because of that (youngest two are twins).

It’s fine. You’re lucky. But don’t expect people to not be surprised as it is an unusual arrangement.
I understand why you’ve done it as you definitely want to retain the nanny when you go back to work.

Relax and enjoy yourself
Life is for living not suffering
Congrats OP

Firstly if you’re going back to work after mat leave in 6 months time, then you’re not a SAHM, you’re a working mum on mat leave.

Secondly, as a FT working mum, I say ignore the rude people at the party. You can afford your set up and you’re not complaining or boasting.

Some martyr themselves and get upset when other women won’t do the same. Your eldest is getting care and full attention and so is your youngest. This is good for all of you.

So she's supposed to sack the woman she trusts with her children while she's on maternity leave and put everyone through the stress of finding a new nanny when she returns to work in 6 months? Or she was supposed to return to work immediately after popping out the baby seeing as she was paying a full time nanny? Which option do you think she should have gone for above the obviously logically (to me anyway) of employing the nanny full time during her ML and while her husband travels regularly and works v long days while home

People can be incredibly judgemental!

I gave up work (a big job too) when we adopted two young girls who turned out to have loads of additional needs including learning disabilities. I

At a coffee morning a woman said to me "oh so you're a kept woman?".

You need to learn, and fast, that you don't owe anyone an explanation about choices you make. If you are happy, are you? Then stuff everyone else. Could be jealous, could be any number of irrelevant reasons. Choose your friends wisely. This is a quick and easy way to weed out rubbish potentials.

Your amazing a good nanny is like GOLD Dust. DH rejected a ton on interview settleted on an older lady, who is very active but strict. When she gets a cold my heart stills. People who look down on people who work in the service or child care sector shock me. So you specfically dont think nannys should be allowed jobs because reasons. Ignore them haters.

Thank you for this. On this note I’m bowing out of the thread now!

Yes, this. I wish I had had help when my children were that age. I did enjoy rhyme time activities, but really could have done with some time for self-care. It's all about balance. Anyway, why on earth would you get rid of an amazing nanny when you'll need her in a few months anyway?

I used to be a nanny, without parents wanting help, whatever the reason, I'd not have had a job.

I wonder if these judgy people would have batted an eyelid if you’d said your mum popped in every day to help & you happened to support her financially too?

I mean shock horror that you employ fully qualified, enhanced dbs checked “help”. & your children have a relaxed happy mum around. The world would be a better place if all children could be raised like this.

You basically are a single parent a lot of the time, you are taking sensible steps to ensure your physical & mental wellbeing are taken care of.
I’m very jealous I couldn’t finance this set up. It sounds ideal.

Your pride is weird. Parenting does not get better with quantatiy its the quality. Why would you be proud of not getting help. You sound bitter like your world is so small you cant understand the employment of childcare.

Op if this works for your family and makes you more able to cope with your kids then that’s totally your business . This works for you ! You need the help with your kids and can pay for it 🤷‍♀️ no one else’s business!
I had 3 dcs close together and although it was and very much is hard work, I absolutely loved and thrived in the early years . I was young though , I
was in my late 20’s and had just finished my masters and it was the right time.
Me and my dh lived away from family but actually living near them makes zero difference, they are all the most completely hands-off family you could meet-absolutely no support. We relied on ourselves.
I was extremely attached to my babies and breastfed them so I couldn’t leave them with anyone. I absolutely don’t care or judge what others do, each to their own.
I would never have relaxed with my baby out and about with another person . My husband was excellent with our babies and still is now with our older kids so once they were weaned /toddlers I got back into running . I have studied attachment theory extensively and it was also natural to me so instinctively I couldn’t let my babies off with another person and tbh as it turned out my husband and I would have felt so uncomfortable with another person with our under 3 children , they can’t talk so it makes them vulnerable.
However, I think though having a nanny can work so well as the kids are in their house and its great to have someone you can trust particularly like us if you have no family support, I think a nanny is ideal!. A lot of people who say they wouldn’t do it have family help and have no idea what it’s like do have zero family support. Don’t mind those other parents op ! If anything you are doing exactly the right thing and having the right balance . The only thing that would make people feel weird is if you bring the nanny to a party I’d imagine …

Very true

@Namechang3ds my comment wasn't to you.

YANBU but you are extremely privileged. Having a nanny is an absolute luxury that very few people can afford. Enjoy!

I think this is a difference in social class. Working-class women use childminders or nurseries, as a rule, and don't stay at home. The people I grew up with became doctors' lawyers who worked in finance and tech. Their kids were planned and to a man have nannies. People I met at uni who were middle class seemed much more concerned on how people perceived them, no nannies, lots of sahm initially; COVID decimated the sahm population of my community. But the women who worked did better in divorce and after. Wealthy people, like the working class, use nanny's housekeeping as the norm. I refuse to raise daughters who think there only value is child rearing, thats jist me.

Op works. She is on maternity leave at the moment and will be going back in a few months. She can pay for the nanny out of her own income.

dear lord… she was messing around 🙄

what a waste of yours (and our!) time Op

You are NOT a SAHM

You are on maternity out leave and need to keep your nanny’s hours in order to keep her for when you need her in 6 months time

I suspect you made the same “error” when talking to these people

OP clarified this ages ago. It also says she’s on maternity leave in the OP.

You are wanted and needed by many of us, ignore the earth mothers.