SAHM + Nanny

[Namechang3ds]

I’d be very grateful for some non judgemental views. I’ll start by saying that where we live in central London - Nannie’s are very popular!

I have two children who have a one year age gap exactly. So I am still in maternity leave with my second. Given the close age gap, we have a lovely nanny who is very much part of our family. She is really lovely and I look forward to seeing her everyday.

She helps me a lot - particularly taking my toddler to tonnes of stay and plays and baby classes and also taking care of them both so I can go to the gym etc.

I am really happy with my arrangement and we financially can afford it. But I went to a friends birthday over the weekend, and people looked at me with shock/confusion that I do not currently work (but I will go back in 6m) and also have a nanny. I didn’t disclose this info to them quickly but when it slipped into conversation it made me feel almost guilty…that I should be doing this with them both myself rather than having someone to help

Sorry for rambling it just got me down. But the way I see it is that she is lovely, it makes my life easier and I am happy! And I can afford it. It just made me feel bad.

I imagine it’s because he works long hours and travels regularly.

I think it’s your wording that’s the issue.

You aren’t a SAHP because that implies you are choosing to stay home to look after the kids.

As you have a FT nanny, then you aren’t doing this.

It’s like saying you’re a single parent but are actually in a relationship and live with their dad.
Yes there may be times when you parent alone but that doesn’t make you a single parent.

I think if you told your friends you are a housewife or are on maternity leave and you have a nanny because you struggle to cope, then they would have no judgement at all.

It’s like someone saying they’re a working mum when in reality they don’t have a job.
It would absolutely get peoples backs up if someone said they’re tired because they’re a working mum and then it turns out they don’t actually have a job, especially if the people you’re telling are actually tired from working and parenting.

Urgh if one more person says

nannie's i may vomit in disgust.

The plural of "nanny" is "nannies". No apostrophe

@Namechang3ds I had 3 under 3 and a husband working abroad - would have loved a nanny! I didn't cope or thrive, I just about survived. It sounds very sensible for the children to build a bond with a nanny you trust before you head back to work.

It’s auto correct - it’s not that deep 🤣🤣

You don't seem to understand anything I say but that's ok.

Theres a difference between refusing to sacrifice anything and refusing to sacrifice everything.

Lets also not kid ourselves, it isn’t parents that are expected to sacrifice everything, it’s mothers.

I do get what you’re saying. The nanny decision wasn’t from my husband and as mentioned I can afford to pay her using my own money. But thank you for offering a different perspective.

You are lucky to be in a position to do this. Do I care? Not in the slightest cos it is none of my business, and trust me back in my child rearing days if I could have afforded a Nanny, omg I would have had one with bells on. Child rearing is hard work, there are days mums feel like a full on day of combat would be easier than rearing children lol. You do you and what suits your family, and don't mind what people say. If they ain't paying your bills they don't get a say in how you spend your money

Lets also not kid ourselves, it isn’t parents that are expected to sacrifice everything, it’s mothers

I didn't sacrifice everything. I just went swimming of an evening when my husband got home during mat leave. We both had to adjust working hours to share school runs etc later on.

Yes we both sacrificed a bit of freedom & leisure time for a few short years when the kids were young, thats parenting.

Kinda hard to see what if anything op or her DH actually give up in order to put their children's needs first.

Not every child is the same though. I used to think like you and then I had 2 12 months apart. My eldest had very serious medical issues shortly after birth which meant he had to attend appointments at various hospitals and was under consultant care until he was 2 and half. That definitely made things harder.

Also some people have a bigger "village". I was new to the local area with no family and friends and my husband worked away a lot when they were tiny. He left before the kids woke up and returned long after I had put them to sleep. It was isolating and difficult and I wish I had had an extra pair of sometimes.

Obviously parents do sacrifice careers/time/sleep etc. but I literally felt like I had no one and it really was 24/7. I didn't see my old friends for literally years and stopped working and no I didn't go on holidays or nights out. Tbh, i would have been grateful for someone to watch the babies so I could just shower in peace or not have to take them to a smear test appointment. 😅

Thankfully my son is now completely healthy and my husband only did that job for a couple of years as a stepping stone for a promotion. But honestly, the first 3 years of motherhood were brutal for me.

I think it depends how much time the children spend with nanny vs with you. Is she just an extra pair of hands or is she doing the majority of child care?
I had 2 babies 18 months apart and if I'd had the money I'd definitely liked a mother's help but more to help me keep on tip of things, not for full time childcare.

Really pleased to read your little one is healthy ❤️

This, OP. There’s a cost of living crisis on, childcare has never been more expensive, and you’re surprised that people are jealous?

seems surprising to me that you wouldn’t be more sensitive but ok

obviously if you can afford it crack on but let’s not pretend this is really so confusing to you 🤷🏻‍♀️

sounds like green eyed teeth gritted jealousy to me.

What do they expect you to do fire the nanny when your on maternity leave and then rehire her when you go back to work. If you can afford it and it works I don't blame you. When mine where babies I would of 100% had a night nanny if I could afford it

You’re not a SAHM though? You’re on maternity leave soon to be going back to work, so of course you’re not going to let your great nanny go! Why don’t you just say “of course we’re keeping nanny as I’m going back to work soon”.

It’s an odd thread tbh as the title isn’t reflective of the actual circumstances and it’s coming across as a bit smug/look at me I can afford to be a lady of leisure when actually you have two very young children and a demanding job to return to - an entirely different scenario to the one you seem to be trying to portray.

If you've got a lovely nanny, who you trust and value, you'd be mad to let her go, only to have to find someone new (who's unlikely to be such a good fit for you) in 6 months. Much better for the kids to have that consistency too.

No I totally agree I made an error with the title!

Sounds fine to me. Being on mat leave is different to if you actually were a SAHM. My older child is in nursery full time and is remaining as such even though I’m on mat leave. Age gap is a couple of months more than you and I know I wouldn’t be able to give both enough attention if it was just me plus the two of them.

I was new to the local area with no family and friends and my husband worked away a lot when they were tiny. He left before the kids woke up and returned long after I had put them to sleep. It was isolating and difficult and I wish I had had an extra pair of sometimes.

But then why did you choose to have 2 kids 12 months apart?

Its a massive and pretty unusual choice. You could have just had a normal space between children so you could manage.

Will you. e going back full time?

And will be a senior very full on role?

I'd sort of get it if it was unexpected twins but if you aren't naturally the sort who adores the baby stage & needs help, its a bit bonkers to have two 12 months apart that you can't manage.

Well, it’s a tid bit of OP’s life that she’s shared on here. Not to mention her children are still very young so there’s still plenty of time for ‘sacrificing’.

I think the main issue is calling yourself a SAHM when you're not.

You're on mat leave and kept the nanny on for when you return to work.

If your describing yourself as a SAHM and then saying you've got a nanny I can sort of see why people are raising an eye. As if she's full time then you're basically just a lady of leisure rather than slogging it out doing solo parenting all week with 2 under 2.