To think that her saying she’s a single parent…

[fryEyes]

Doesn’t mean she has less free time?!

Maybe I’m being wildly unfair. My sister has one dd, 2.5. I have one dd 3, and a newborn. I know this is likely hormonal as usually I couldn’t care less about other people’s arrangements.

my sister has her dd all week and Saturday. It’s hard as she does the nursery runs and there for all illness etc around her work. However, her dd is with our parents for 3 hours on a Saturday morning so she can shop, and almost every Saturday night has a babysitter, then Sunday her dd is with her dad. My parents also have her dd on a Tuesday.

In contrast, before we had dd1, my parents had her one day a week. Now we have dd2, I am not getting any break at all, parents won’t give up Saturday mornings so me and dh can have some time as sister is pulling the single parent card.

i DO get she is on her own in the week but surely two full days of childcare (her dd stays with our parents for dinner on Tuesdays too), then also every Saturday night out and all day Sunday to herself is very different to most parents in general, whether single or not?!

I could really do with the extra time on a Saturday morning and think dsis could either take her dd with her shopping or go to the shops on a Tuesday evening if she wanted to do it in peace? I don’t remember ever having so much free time even with one dd!! Am I being unfair or should she compromise?

I’d understood from the OP that the parents weren’t having her elder DD at all regularly. If I’ve misread it and the parents are having OP’s elder DD for one day a week, I agree that’s a fair arrangement.

Your sister doesn't have a partner to have alone time with.

You've got a partner to share the EVERYDAY load with, she hasn't.

You can go to the theatre with a friend if your husband has the kids. You have a hugely privelidged life being a SAHP, most people don't have this as a financially viable option.

You also have 2 kids.

Most of your issues are related to this. Obviously you can't put one back, but in a few years, ask yourself if you'd still swap with your sister. I bet the answer will be no.

My point is I can understand why she prefers to do the shop without her DC with her.

When do the grandparents get a break? it was all your choices to have the children you have

I think Op isnt having a break as she has the new born. So whether the toddler is there or not it’s not a break.

Op said ‘In contrast, before we had dd1, my parents had her one day a week. Now we have dd2, I am not getting any break at all, parents won’t give up Saturday mornings so me and dh can have some time as sister is pulling the single parent card.’

You could be right and they no longer have dd1 but that wouldn’t make sense. Because op still wants a complete break. With her husband.

But I don’t really get it. She doesn’t want to leave the newborn and toddler with her husband to have a break. And says she will miss on quality time with dd1 if she does that.

But does want to leave the newborn and toddler with her parents, so still missing out on this quality time she is worried about.

It appears she wants her parents to help her sister less so she can have quality time WITH her dh regularly and for some reason it has to be the same time they help her sister. But op didn’t mind her break being during the week when her husband was at work before.

I think Op is struggling and maybe not happy being a sahm. But women, often, don’t want to admit that. Even to themselves. It’s easier to believe that everything is unfair and it’s other people’s fault for not doing enough or being in a different position.

I'm a lone parent, and I'm so burnt out that I've had to be signed off work. There's nothing physically going on with me, yes my parents help out, but I'm exhausted. Utterly exhausted. I have nobody to swap with when DS is having a meltdown. Nobody to give me a hug at the end of the night when he's finally in bed and I'm shattered. Nobody to make me a cup of tea. Nobody to have the kids so I can get some exercise. Nobody to help me cook/clean. Nobody to help with admin, take car for MOT, do shopping, laundry etc etc. You have no idea OP. Absolutely none.

This. FFS why do people expect to have free time when at this stage of life/parenthood. I get it, you're in the trenches, these are hard years. Suck it up and look after your kids. No one owes you childcare, particularly your parents!

Erm she’s a single parent. You have a partner who lives with you so surely you can take it in turns and each have a break? Your sister can’t… she does the majority.

I have one child and a husband and no else has ever helped… not once! And he’s 6. So I think you’re doing just fine!

Tbh OP, your lack of free time really comes down to having two rather than one in my opinion.

If I only had one child I would have a lot more time for myself, but having two especially during the younger years makes that a lot harder in my experience.

I'm a lone parent you have just no clue how much pressure and load we have to carry. The fact you resent her having time out or that she finds time to get her admin stuff done at lunchtime is very childish.

It sounds like you’re unhappy with your life and taking it out in your sister - you don’t seem happy about being a SAHM, and seem v jealous of her lunch breaks. Maybe you should work part time and you’d have lunch breaks too? Some of these decisions are your own you know?!

Me too, bloody relentless at times. OP has no clue.

This is absolutely bizarre. Genuinely @fryEyes it sounds like you have far, far more help than most parents

the concept of having a child free break once weekly is just not a thing. You are not magically entitled to that. If you want that, pay for childcare.

i know i'm a stranger, but i'm a fellow single mom to a child with disabilities. I can't give you a hug, but i can say this.
I see you.
You're doing a good job, and you should be proud of yourself for every day you make it through together.

op.. i've tried to say this a couple of time and took it back because i don't know how to without laying out too much info. but..

I remember how hard it was having a toddler and a newborn, i remember being in those trenches, but i always had my ExH on hand to help, to let me sleep, to take the slack.

My eldest is disabled. I'm also his Carer. I have my own physical disabilities and chronic pain conditions,

I'm also now a single mom.. i have to do it all myself, Parent & Care for a disabled teenager while also trying to a parent to my 15yo currently doing her GCSE's. I have to manage my own conditions to be there for both of them while ALSO looking after my elderly mother.

I have NO HELP. No-one at 2am when my son is wandering the house because he can't/won't sleep. No-one else to cook the 2-3 different meals i have to make 3 times a day because of his eating disorders. No-one to watch him when i shop, so i have to bring him with me, while also trying to negotiate needing crutches or on a bad day, a wheelchair... have you ever tried chasing an autistic teenager while needing a wheelchair on 2 weeks of 3hrs sleep a night?

I'd give a lot to be back in the trenches of a toddler, and a newborn, and a husband to help, and my only worry being that my mom was more interested in babysitting for my sibling than helping me.

That's not to take away from your struggles, because honestly, it was a shock to my system going from 1 toddler to him and a newborn, it is EXHAUSTING.. but rather than focus on what you don't have, consider what your sister doesn't have, and count your blessings.

Its your choice to be home with 2 kids. You could go to work and get a lunchbreak

Thank you. My son has SEN and is exhausting. But he's also really lovely and kind and wonderful and I'm hoping time will work it's magic.

Single parent here, no help.. been a single parent for 15 years. I find it insulting you refer to 'playing the single parent card' YABU

Came to say this too

This. Everything you want from your parents - you have a dh for that!
If you want extra time then get a babysitter like your sister.

Her being single trumps whatever you say op. She needs the help faaaar more than you.

The thing is op your parents probably look at your situation and see - sahp, dh who pulls his weight, 2 pairs of hands and minds for 2 kids VS your sister having no help and being the one holding down everything. I can see why they would put all their effort into helping your sister. She may have the Sunday and some Saturday to do what she wants but it's also FT being responsible for everything for her dd. I don't think you understand how hard it is for your sister. She might get to do her hair during her break but when she gets home it's just her doing everything and not having another adult to share her day/frustrations/feelings with.

Why do you need help with the baby? Can your partner not look after both children while you go shopping or whatever? I don't think you should be jealous of the help your sister is getting from your parents - there's 2 adults in your household and 1 in hers!

The thing is Op is basically say saying ‘life is unfair and my parents should stop doing Saturday mornings for her to make things fair’

But the simple fact is as adults, it’s not always up to our parents to make sure everything is fair. How can it be? If one has 5 kids and one has non? How do you make that fair? Do you need to spend your life helping out the one with 5 because they chose to keep having babies? What if you do non friendly things with the one that has no kids, is that fair? If one is paid £500k a year and the other £25k, how do you make it fair?

Op wants her parents to even her situation. But is ignoring every way she has it better than her sister. If her parents felt they had to make it fair so that op and her sister had equal support, they would be doing far more for the sister to even out the support gets from husband and the fact that she doesn’t work.

And this perceived unfairness didn’t seem to both Op when she was a sahp, to one child and had a full day off a week as the child went to her parents. Doesn’t seem she worried about unfair it was her sister couldn’t have a full day off AND not have the responsibility of a job. It doesn’t appear she was worried about how it was unfair that her dh didn’t get a weekly day off but she did.

Now she wants her parents to support her sister less so both her and her husband get a break? At the same time. Why do they need to take something away from Ops sister to make it ‘fair’ in ops point of view?

I get it’s hard with two kids but being a single parent means no one helping with cooking, cleaning , finances etc etc but probably most difficult is the emotional weight you carry alone .
She cant ever ‘switch off ‘ so she will need that downtime that she does get.
It’s sad that you are resentful and a bit jealous. It doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve some help and a break but it’s not down to her or your parents to give that to you if they don’t want to, so don’t turn it into a competition.

Oh dear OP
You are never going to understand I think 😂
You are very privileged and think the grass is greener
Let's compare shall we?
A sahp, 2 kids, a husband that works,
She doesn't have any of that, do you quite comprehend it?
I've been a single parent and a sahp
My younger child has a parent that equally cares about him
With my first, I had so much help from my family but never anyone who supported me emotionally, loved me, and loved every milestone that the child reached like I do now.
I desperately needed child care before
Now, its just icing on the cake