To think that her saying she’s a single parent…

[fryEyes]

Doesn’t mean she has less free time?!

Maybe I’m being wildly unfair. My sister has one dd, 2.5. I have one dd 3, and a newborn. I know this is likely hormonal as usually I couldn’t care less about other people’s arrangements.

my sister has her dd all week and Saturday. It’s hard as she does the nursery runs and there for all illness etc around her work. However, her dd is with our parents for 3 hours on a Saturday morning so she can shop, and almost every Saturday night has a babysitter, then Sunday her dd is with her dad. My parents also have her dd on a Tuesday.

In contrast, before we had dd1, my parents had her one day a week. Now we have dd2, I am not getting any break at all, parents won’t give up Saturday mornings so me and dh can have some time as sister is pulling the single parent card.

i DO get she is on her own in the week but surely two full days of childcare (her dd stays with our parents for dinner on Tuesdays too), then also every Saturday night out and all day Sunday to herself is very different to most parents in general, whether single or not?!

I could really do with the extra time on a Saturday morning and think dsis could either take her dd with her shopping or go to the shops on a Tuesday evening if she wanted to do it in peace? I don’t remember ever having so much free time even with one dd!! Am I being unfair or should she compromise?

My husband does so many unplanned dashes to the shop throughout the week for top ups - mainly as I've forgotten something as I was shopping with my toddler. Your sister would t have this back up. DH also does half the night wake ups and bed/bath time routines. When I need a moment to gather myself (eg mid tantrum) he takes over and vice versa. Just some examples of how we split the load.

YABU. I often think it would be so, so hard to do this on my own. It's hard enough with two of us.

You just sound ridiculously jealous of your sister.

Single parenting, especially if you didn't plan things that way is brutal and exhausting. I bet your sister would walk over hot coals for a husband to share daily life with and to have the option of giving up or cutting down on work. That said, you're clearly feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment so give yourself some grace. Hopefully things will look better once the newborn phase has passed.

Agree with this and also the loneliness in the evenings.

I bet she wouldn't be out for a day with her bestie if she had a newborn. Your time for that will come sooner or later, if you want it to. It's just not where you are right now.

Once they get older and more interesting you might even find you want to spend both weekend days with your kids, and feel sorry for her that she doesn't get to. It's tough when babies are tiny but you have a lot of good times ahead, and that would still be the case even if your parents never gave you a day's childcare again. It's just one foot in front of the other for now.

YABU - I would think single parenting 6 days is incredibly difficult. When my DH works away it is none stop as there is no one else to pick up the chores or share bathtimes, bedtimes, make pack lunches, pack bags and so on. With only one parent you can’t just nip to the shop or have a shower in peace. It sounds like your parents are being helpful and I don’t think your sister is taking advantage. I presume they would do the same if it was the other way round.

parents very rarely get alone time.

As for the things you say about your sister - i've heard similar things in the platground...

It really is mind bogling that there are people have these thoughts and vent them. I worry for future generations.

This. If you have not been a single parent, especially to a child this young, you really have no idea how hard it is.
It is for you and your husband to sort out giving each other “free time”. Your sister doesn’t have that option.

HRTFT but you still have an extra pair of hands far more than she does and i presume she didn't plan to be a single parent. I think you're being very unreasonable and I've never been a single parent. I know my DSis had it far harder on a single wage and making every key decision with one DC than the 3 DC DH and I chose to have.

I'm probably being totally unreasonable to make this comment on this thread, but as a childless woman I don't understand why parents make these kinds of complaints. I'm not talking about parents of children who have special needs, or who have suffered unforeseen circumstances such as their relationship breaking down, serious illness or job loss, etc. But parents who have a spouse, a reasonable household income and children without additional needs - what did you expect when you chose to have children? You surely knew they would require round-the-clock care until a certain age, and that that would be emotionally and physically demanding, time-consuming and expensive. Sorry, but I don't get it.

Well that's you and millions of others. I had 3 under 2 and a half (single then twins) DH at work every day and no family around to pitch in so that was my life until they started school. Weekends we split things - he'd have dcs while i did a trolley dash etc 'Quality' time/down time was rare. But you just have to get on with it. Having another adult in the house gives you options your sister doesn't have, perhaps be glad of that.

I think it is reasonable to expect that grandparents try to spend equal time with both sets of grandchildren, provided they all live nearby. A lot of women split up with their partners for petty reasons, or choose obviously poor men to have children with. I don't see why OP and her children should be punished for what could very well be her sister's poor choices.

Could you ask your parents if they could sometimes look after both girls at the same time? It would be good for the girls to be together since they are cousins!

Why can't DH sort both out?

Sign your 3 year old up for nursery and pop your newborn on the list for when they are 9 months and use the government free childcare hours to fund those hours. Even if it’s just one day a week you will then have a day to yourself to clean/shop/self care ect
Just because you are a SAHP doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to a few hours to yourself.
Although this isn’t an immediate fix it is something that will help on the future.

Also remember, when your kids start school and you get the days free your sister will continue working full time as she has to be the breadwinner for her and her child. You are privileged enough to be able to live on one salary and you have your DH to spend your evenings with, to talk to….your sister doesn’t have anyone. The grass may look greener in this particular moment but ultimately I’d prefer to be in your position than hers.

They don’t, they have children and realise how bloody hard it is.

It takes a village and all that

Well yes that is unreasonable, you could say that about most things that people complain about/struggle with

You & DH can have alone time when DC are in bed. Have a date night you don't have to go out. You could cook or get a takeaway. Are DH parents around to help?

You don't sound like a very nice sister at all. What if you became a single parent, you would ask for support. It's hard doing it alone. I have 4 kids and a husband who couldn't help much because of his job (teacher) and I worked and managed to bring the children up fine with no help. Raise your game OP

So 141 hours bar tea time on a Tuesday either with her child or at work with no break. I wouldn’t be hasty to call it ‘the single parent card’. Yes you have needs etc but your positions aren’t comparable

YABU. You have no idea honestly.

I disagree there. If I took a 9-5 admin job I would be unreasonable to complain that I had to spent 35 hours of my week doing administrative work. I would be reasonable to complain if I was expected to spend 50 hours a week lifting heavy boxes and cleaning toilets.

Can his parents help?

Then what you're complaining about is down to you having 2 kids and her 1. That was your choice and you should have planned for it.

You poor thing. I'm glad you've realised you're being unreasonable. It's awful when resentment kicks in because it's only you that it affects.

Going from one to two is especially difficult in my experience because your eldest is used to exclusive attention and you've always been able to give your full attention to parenting one child. Suddenly you've double the parenting and the same amount of time. It's an adjustment. But your second will be used to sharing from day one, and your eldest will learn to share. You'll learn to be able to meet both their needs as best you can- without always meeting their wants.

But you wouldn’t be unreasonable to complain that’s it’s difficult. The theory of something is regularly different to the reality