To think that her saying she’s a single parent…

[fryEyes]

Doesn’t mean she has less free time?!

Maybe I’m being wildly unfair. My sister has one dd, 2.5. I have one dd 3, and a newborn. I know this is likely hormonal as usually I couldn’t care less about other people’s arrangements.

my sister has her dd all week and Saturday. It’s hard as she does the nursery runs and there for all illness etc around her work. However, her dd is with our parents for 3 hours on a Saturday morning so she can shop, and almost every Saturday night has a babysitter, then Sunday her dd is with her dad. My parents also have her dd on a Tuesday.

In contrast, before we had dd1, my parents had her one day a week. Now we have dd2, I am not getting any break at all, parents won’t give up Saturday mornings so me and dh can have some time as sister is pulling the single parent card.

i DO get she is on her own in the week but surely two full days of childcare (her dd stays with our parents for dinner on Tuesdays too), then also every Saturday night out and all day Sunday to herself is very different to most parents in general, whether single or not?!

I could really do with the extra time on a Saturday morning and think dsis could either take her dd with her shopping or go to the shops on a Tuesday evening if she wanted to do it in peace? I don’t remember ever having so much free time even with one dd!! Am I being unfair or should she compromise?

OP I know it’s not a “right now” solution but could you think of enrolling your eldest into nursery or even have a nanny come for a day / few hours a week?

I understand you feeling envious of what your sister has but it’s likely she feels envious of what you have with DH. It’s not a competition, everyone is doing their best. Alternatively, do you in-laws not offer to help at all?

OP, gently, you can’t have absolutely everything all the time. If you want lunch breaks to yourself - get a job!

I am a SAHP - it’s a huge privilege to be able to choose that time with your children - but lunch breaks aren’t part of the deal. Get a baby sitter one afternoon a week to get everything done. Pop your two year old in nursery a couple of mornings a week. This is the season of life you’re in right now. It feels like a hit of a slog sometimes but being envious of your sisters life is very short sighted.

who does she bounce things off at the end of the day? Who does she worry with about behavioural challenges or celebrate milestones with?

she doesn’t have the choice to be a SAHP - she only has herself to reply on. The mental load of that must be huge.

Aahhh @fryEyes comparison is the thief of joy. Don’t look at what others do or don’t have. Make sure you get a break and it is hard for you with a new baby, lack of sleep and hormones etc. You are in the thick of it right now but it won’t be forever. Your DH needs to be supporting you equally, especially if you’re having days that feel endlessly hard. You’re a partnership. Be kind to yourself and please don’t compare your life to someone else’s, nothing good comes of it!

You poor soul - you're exhausted and overstretched, and the sister who probably borrowed your teen magazines without asking and made eyes at your first boyfriend is being given humungous great lumps of free time all to herself, which which you could be using for resting or catching up on chores or enjoying yourself; and your parents are putting her first.
I bet your parents are worried about how she is managing on her own, but that doesn't mean you wouldn't appreciate a bit of down time. I'd suggest asking them to babysit sometimes, not as a regular commitment but to give you, for example, the chance to go out with DH for an evening or do your Christmas shopping in peace. How much they give your sister isn't the main point really. Hope it works out for you.

It's amazing how many women are jealous of the time and support single moms get, but don't care for being single themselves ☹️.

Oh for goodness sake, why do people have children and expect to have help all the time. You had them, look after them. There’s only two of them. 🙄

Any chance they could babysit your sister's DD and your DC1 at the same time some Saturday mornings? Maybe not every week, but sometimes?

You seem to be one of these people who is lasered in on what’s fair/unfair: it’s going to bring you a lot of unhappiness if you keep it up. You and your DH just need to focus on your own little unit. Time to yourself/time together isn’t really the norm for many people at the stage you are at but it doesn’t last forever.

Needing a morning every now and then and relying on GP isn't "wanting help all the time". Also, not so long ago, children were raised as part of the whole family or community. The nuclear families we have today, specially with both parents working, is relatively new and extremely hard, for single parents and for couples.
Finding something hard and needing help with it doesn't mean we're not happy with our choices or fit for them, it just means we're humans.

Did OP say her parents never babysit? Or is it just that she wants to take the Saturday slot?

@Ohhbaby thank you, your post sums up where I’m coming from!

Stop competing for the same day/time. Your parents already have an arrangement with your dsis for that day so drop it.

Maybe they will be willing to help you for the same amount of time on another day . What about other family members or can you get a babysitter?

That's tough OP. I completely see where you're coming from.I'd be a bit peeved in this situation.

I'm not sure what you can do though.

You're very lucky you have grandparents local and close at all.

Perhaps you just have to wait your turn. At some point things may change.

Having young kids is very hard, whatever the set up.

I think this is a very selfish attitude. Your sister has to give her child to the dad for a full day on Sunday. She is fully responsible for her child at every other moment of the child's life. She makes all of the decisions on her own, she has nobody to run them by or help. If her child is sick, she's nobody to help take the burden off or switch out when she is exhausted. At least you have your husband to help.make decisions, help look after your kids, give you 20 mins to have a shower. Your sister needs more support by virtue of the fact she is a single parent.

I know its hard having young kids. I have 3. It can seem endless and exhausting. You and your husband have to switch out so each gets some time to themselves. You and your sister would do well to chat and support each other.

When do you think a single parent goes to the toilet when they are at home with their child? If you can’t mange to go all day. They aren’t going all evening?

I cannot believe you are trying compare single parent household to 2 person households where one is sahm and trying to pretend they are anywhere near as difficult.

It’s honestly daft. You can have a morning to yourself. You can have an evening to yourself. I am confused as to how you would have time alone with DH, if the baby can’t even be left with DH for you to go out.

Why don’t you become a single working parent? As pp said people seem to love to talk about all the benefits of being a single parent and try and pretend their situation is anywhere near similar. So do that!

Imagine being jealous of a single parent. Lately there has been an influx of married women complaining how single mums ‘have it better’, when the reality is you know nothing about the hardships of being a single parent.

OP I live 6 hours from our parents with a 23 month old and a 2 month old. We have never had help. Me and my husband split things and ensured from the start both of us could look after both on our own if the other had to go out. I'm BF so we started LO on a bottle from day 2 once a day so I could have freedom. Your sister hasn't got a partner to help with these things you do!

I’m a single parent and I agree with the majority of this. I parent very intensively for some of the time and then have some time off to recover when the DC are with their dad. I’m not saying it’s easier than having the kids around all time along with another adult, but it’s different.

OP is right in the absolute toughest patch of parenting and to be essentially told by her family that she’s not a priority is pretty hurtful. A bit of give and take would be nice.

Then get a job! Honestly your attitude is ridiculously immature. Your DH takes the children in sat and off you go.

This is the most unreasonable AIBU I have ever read

You are crackers OP.

we don’t have two incomes, I am a SAHP. My sister earns more than dh.

But you made that choice. Go back to work then? How lucky you are to have a choice of if you should go to work or be a SAHP. Your sister doesn’t have that choice. Why did you have a second baby with a man that clearly doesn’t pull his weight?

But she hasn’t been told she isn’t a priority.
The have Ops older daughter one day a week and have for a while.

The parents wouldn’t give up having the sisters child on Saturday morning to have ops child. Or maybe both children.

But who would? Who would tell one of their children, who is a working single parent, they could no longer help out because her sister and her husband want a break on a Saturday morning.

Why does ops break have to be Saturday morning?

Now we have dd2, I am not getting any break at all, parents won’t give up Saturday mornings so me and dh can have some time as sister is pulling the single parent card.

Op can’t seem to leave her baby with her dh for a break. But if she leaves one child with her parents her and her dh still aren’t getting a break she wants. But if her dh can’t look after both, why can her parents? Then op also wants her parents to back out of a regular arrangement they have with the sister to facilitate it.

Refusing to cancel on the sister to give Op and her dh a break isn’t saying she isn’t a priority. They already have one child of ops once a week and she is a sahp. Despite being a sahp op got a break one day a week and then decided to have another baby.

What some 2 parent families don’t understand is how single parents have to do it all.

The kids are the easy bit.

Your Dsis has to juggle work, housework, life admin, gardening, car maintenance, finances, shopping, social life etc and parenting on top.
And on top of that she has the mental load all to herself too.

Whereas all you have is the parenting and half of some of the other stuff.

You don’t even work, so you have 8 hours a day to do things like cooking and cleaning etc that your Dsis not has a couple of hours for each day.

Everything you and DH do, she does on her own.
It’s not less because she’s a single parent, it’s just as much but as she works she has a lot less time to do it.

My Dsis used to think my life as a single parent was somehow easier than her life as a 2 parent family.
She left her DH and kids (who she sees EOW now) and she’s struggling to cope because she says now she has to do it all (and that’s without the parenting aspect).

You can choose to leave your DH and get a job. But I’m guessing that you won’t because you know your life would be more difficult.

I also hope you don’t share these feelings with your DH.

I’d be pretty annoyed if I worked FT so my DH could stay at home everyday and then he’s moaning about how lucky people are to have a lunch break at work.
I’d actually be telling him to go find a job then.

I think that parents should try to help their adult dc as equally as possible. So I have some sympathy with the OP. If I was her mum I'd alternate the Saturday mornings or if I had the money, offer to pay for some childcare for OP. It's hard never having any time just as a couple and having to tag team all activities.

Not all single parents are doing everything alone. Some have exes who are supportive in terms of mental load and finances and it's more of a coparent situation rather than single parent. If a parent has a whole day to themselves in a week because the kids are with the other parent then imo they can share the grandparent assistance with their sibling, who could do with some help too.

Op parents have one of her children a day a week. Even when she was a sahp with that one child. They are being fair.

Her other child is a newborn. Op did have a whole day a week free and decided to have another baby. Surely the parents were being more than fair on op. She had a husband and didn’t work and still got a whole day to herself.

I wonder if the ops dh got a weekly day to himself?

Why would the parents have ops child one day a week and then decide Saturday mornings need to be shared? When the other daughter works?

Why would the parents pay for childcare?