To think that her saying she’s a single parent…

[fryEyes]

Doesn’t mean she has less free time?!

Maybe I’m being wildly unfair. My sister has one dd, 2.5. I have one dd 3, and a newborn. I know this is likely hormonal as usually I couldn’t care less about other people’s arrangements.

my sister has her dd all week and Saturday. It’s hard as she does the nursery runs and there for all illness etc around her work. However, her dd is with our parents for 3 hours on a Saturday morning so she can shop, and almost every Saturday night has a babysitter, then Sunday her dd is with her dad. My parents also have her dd on a Tuesday.

In contrast, before we had dd1, my parents had her one day a week. Now we have dd2, I am not getting any break at all, parents won’t give up Saturday mornings so me and dh can have some time as sister is pulling the single parent card.

i DO get she is on her own in the week but surely two full days of childcare (her dd stays with our parents for dinner on Tuesdays too), then also every Saturday night out and all day Sunday to herself is very different to most parents in general, whether single or not?!

I could really do with the extra time on a Saturday morning and think dsis could either take her dd with her shopping or go to the shops on a Tuesday evening if she wanted to do it in peace? I don’t remember ever having so much free time even with one dd!! Am I being unfair or should she compromise?

IMO, there is no obligation for GP's to do any childcare so whatever they offer should be seen as a bonus.

And if they had existing arrangements for childcare with your sisters child and your 3 year old, I don't think it's necessarily fair to expect them to change all of that because you decided to have another child. GP's have earned some free time together too so just because they might be available on, say, a Sunday morning, that doesn't mean they are obliged to give it up to provide childcare.

It's tough, I know. We Iive overseas with DD1 aged 4 and second baby on the way and have no family on either side around us so it's 100% all on us....it was totally our choice to have kids though.

Once a month we normally get a babysitter so we can have a 'date night' but that'll stop for a while when the new baby arrives. Will that be an option eventually?

You need to sort looking after your kids with your DH rather than rely on GP's or obsess on what you get compared to your sister. Consider any offer of childcare at all to be a bonus and be grateful for it

I think you've had a bit of a hard time on the thread, OP. What you're really saying is that you're tired and could do with a bit more help right now.

Can you have a conversation with your parents/sister where you just say that you're exhausted with the new baby and could do with a bit of extra help short term? It's not an unreasonable ask.

Yes and my parents should give me money because they are buying things for my nieces and nephews and we just have a cat.

You need to get a grip. When I had my second child, I had a 2.5 year old and a visiting MIL.

I had no help from my parents since having my first child as I was resilient enough to never lean on them on a regular basis. Literally the only times they have helped have been in an emergency or if I was working from their residence so was still doing at least half the childcare whilst juggling full time job. My husband also doesn't do much with the childcare either.

I do all cooking, cleaning, laundry as well.

Stop moaning and get on with it.

...before we had dd1, my parents had her one day a week. Now we have dd2, I am not getting any break at all.

What does this mean? Whom did your parents have one day a week? Do they still do that?

and you are a SAHP? Consider yourself very lucky that you literally have no idea what it means to be a ai single parent. I get that you are hormonal, but you really need to check yourself here.

@fryEyes Good on you OP to be mature enough to realise you were not being reasonable here. Stop comparing with your sister and you will be so much happier for it. DH can absolutely deal with both of your children while you do something for yourself during the week-end. Maybe an outing with dear sis😉🙂💕

Gosh I think that people are being unduly harsh on the OP.

She has a young baby and another child aged 3 and it does take time to adjust to those restrictions on time.

This time will pass and things will get easier.
As the kids get older you will meet friends with kids of similar age and socialise together or in each others houses. Also you can share babysitting.

Are you getting out to baby and toddler groups etc

For the time being perhaps speak to your DH and perhaps agree time for yourself to go to the gym or have a swim.

You have a husband.

your sister has a mum.

you’ve both got people to help

its not your sisters fault it’s up to your parents and husband to help.

You can't force your parents not to provide your sister childcare. Could they not take one of yours or both at the same time? Would they agree to take on more childcare for yours?
It's true being single is harder than having an extra person on hand permanently who's responsible 50/50.
Would your parents contribute financially to a few paid childcare hours? You could ask that it be classed as Xmas/birthday gifts to you?
Otherwise I don't think begrudging your sister what your parents are doing for her kids is that helpful.

Why not? Ask him to do a full day with both kids. My husband wouldn’t have hesitated.

Get a job and leave your husband, problem solved!

YANBU to have a vent when you have two young kids but I think take your sister out of the picture and your parents, theyre helping her as she's working as well as looking after the baby. 3 hrs on a Sat plus one day is amazing of them but not excessive. The babysitter is presumably paid (you can do the same) and Sun is the child's father (you have that every day).

You have a partner and chose to have two. You need to arrange your respective time with and without kids better and supplement that with childcare if needed or consider a return to work after mat leave.

I get that it's all a lot at the minute but I thInk you're focussing on the wrong person here.

If I'm honest, I'm not sure it's the right time for reciprocal childcare. You seem a bit forensic about who's had what and it might get petty rather than bring you closer. Perhaps work towards a more relaxed view about this first.

You chose that though. You. No one else. You chose to have another child.

You are in the hardest part of having 2, OP. This will pass and it will get easier. Parenting will level out and it won't feel so relentless.

It is season and you'll get there.
But it's unusual for parents to have 'time to themselves' if I do have time to myself. My DH has the kids.

If we go out together, it is rare and planned and booked.

You make it sound like her having Sundays to herself is a luxury, but she does 90% of the rest of the parenting herself.
Yes, your parents have the child 14/15 hours per week, but she is working during that time! Or doing household jobs.

Doing the whole evening, dinner, bath, bedtime 6 nights a week, doing all night-time wake-ups, doing every single early morning and not having anyone else to lean on the vast majority of the time sounds pretty tough to me. That's 6 evenings a week where she's getting followed to the toilet and round the kitchen whilst she cooks, having to wait until DD is asleep just to have a shower. Having to do 100% of the housework on her own. I don't think you can compare parenting in a couple with parenting solo.

That’s just life when you have a newborn, though? You can choose to get a job if you want and put them in childcare when they’re a bit older.

Im guessing your sister never chose to be a single mum, whereas you chose to have another child now have the audacity to get jealous of your sister because she has free time. Her free time is at the expense of largely providing wraparound care, she does not have free time she has down time and from the sounds of it she needs it.

she is prioritising her mental load. Does her life admin and beauty on her lunch break (not actually a break if filled doing things), and has a babysitter. You can choose to do the same. Instead you get petty.

prioritise what you need rather than getting jealous of someone who frankly sounds incredible juggling everything as she does while not getting dragged into squabbles with her adult sister

op, you sound very jealous of your sister. you and your dh had 2 kids by choice, so your dh can have both kids to give you a break. get a job and stop comparing your life to your sisters. comparison is the thief of joy.

'single parent card'?

Them's the breaks. You have a husband who presumably can help you find some childfree time to do whatever it is you need to do? If he won't help manage that for you then you're probably better off on your own.

And as is oft said on this site. It's not a race to the bottom. You have things your sister doesn't. Be grateful for that. Stop being jealous she gets a few hours to do her shopping in peace or a Sunday free. The rest of her life is full on and even her sister, who should love and care for her and want the best for her, can do nothing but bitch.

Wait what?

Your sister has a full time job and takes care of her child 5 days a week entirely on her own.

You don't work, have a husband, chose to have 2 kids and now complain your don't have time for yourself?

You have 2 options - find a job and hire a nanny/sitter to help and give you time for yourself or involve your husband more so you have more time for yourself.

Of course, you can also have a talk with your parents or your in laws if they are in the picture. However, your parents are not obliged to help you. It's entirely their choice.

Your sister is definitely busier than you though and needs more support.

I’ve been in both situations and being a single parent is harder in my opinion. When you have a partner you have someone to share with. I think you shouldn’t expect responsibility to fall to your parents and book a babysitter. Try not to compare your lives.

I'm struggling to see how you're the unfortunate one here.

Just tell your DH that you need a day "off" and so he's in charge of the kids next Saturday. Yes, they might not get individual attention but he and they will cope.

I voted that YABU but then i thought back to all the help my parents gave me when I was a single parent to my eldest. It was much harder when I had DS2 and DD and didn’t have my parents helping. Yes they were more help than my ex partner. I had nights out and days out shopping if I wanted. But I had little money and no-one to share the difficult and happy moments in the same way. You’d get a lot more time to yourself if you split with your DH, but is it really worth it for a morning shopping and a sunday to yourself? Of course not

Have your parents refused to help you at all or just said they can't help you on Saturday mornings because they already have your niece? I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask them to help you for a few hours a week on days when they don't have your niece as, apart from anything else, they won't have the same close relationship with your children as your sisters and that would be a shame.
You say you are a SAHP, have you always been or have you chosen to give up work after having your second child? If that's the case your parents might feel that you no longer need their help. I think you really need to reconsider if being a SAHP is the right choice for you as you don't sound like you enjoy it and you might be happier going back to work and putting your kids in nursery so that you can have lunch in peace/ get nails done in your lunch break like your sister does.
I do sympathise with you as my mum always prioritised looking after my brothers kids over mine but she didn't refuse to help at all - I would have been very hurt if she had.