To think that her saying she’s a single parent…

[fryEyes]

Doesn’t mean she has less free time?!

Maybe I’m being wildly unfair. My sister has one dd, 2.5. I have one dd 3, and a newborn. I know this is likely hormonal as usually I couldn’t care less about other people’s arrangements.

my sister has her dd all week and Saturday. It’s hard as she does the nursery runs and there for all illness etc around her work. However, her dd is with our parents for 3 hours on a Saturday morning so she can shop, and almost every Saturday night has a babysitter, then Sunday her dd is with her dad. My parents also have her dd on a Tuesday.

In contrast, before we had dd1, my parents had her one day a week. Now we have dd2, I am not getting any break at all, parents won’t give up Saturday mornings so me and dh can have some time as sister is pulling the single parent card.

i DO get she is on her own in the week but surely two full days of childcare (her dd stays with our parents for dinner on Tuesdays too), then also every Saturday night out and all day Sunday to herself is very different to most parents in general, whether single or not?!

I could really do with the extra time on a Saturday morning and think dsis could either take her dd with her shopping or go to the shops on a Tuesday evening if she wanted to do it in peace? I don’t remember ever having so much free time even with one dd!! Am I being unfair or should she compromise?

How have people become so incompetent that they can't handle 2 children when they are in a relationship with another fully able adult?

Quit being jealous and competing with your sister. There are 2 of you all week. Even if your DH works. You share the same emotional/mental burdens too. Your sister has to deal with it on her own for the most part and all you want to do is try and compete because your parents are decent people who are helping her.

Sort it out between you and your DH. Why doesn't he take both children sometimes you can do what you need to do?

Many single parents manage multiple children on there own. Why can't your DH manage for a few hours? Stop dressing up the jealousy as your DS1 needing quality time.

What stuck out to me was that your husband doesn't take both because then the toddler would miss out on quality time with dad.

That's your choice, so own it. You could have a break but you don't want your husband to do the multitasking that you do daily. That's not that you can't have a break, but that your are choosing not to.

I'm not criticising that choice. I often made the same one, but the consequences of that was very little child free time.

How about get a divorce and then you can be a single parent too. You'd get every other weekend off (at least) as children would be with their dad.

It sounds like he would. What op wants his time alone with her husband, but without paying for a childminder.

If you think it would be so much easier then divorce your husband and become a single parent. I’m sure then you’ll enjoy your life so much more because you’ll have to work to support yourself, so you’ll get 5 lunch breaks a week all to yourself. And the kids will have to see their dad at weekends so you’ll get weekends to yourself too. Solves all your anger issues towards your sister, right?

This!

Did your parents or your sister force you to have a second child? Yes you are hormonal.

Your choice to have another child and also your choice to be a SAHM.

Your DH should look after both of his children if you want to do things on your own.

Your sister is single. She doesn't have the option of handing her child to her DP/DH. So your parents help her out.

Why can you not see where the problem is?

YABU- she is working full time AND a single parent?

she definitely needs the time more than you. you say she has childcare, but she is working/commuting in that time- not sitting on the sofa with a fag and cup of coffee!

You are a SAHP. I get that it’s hard- early years are hard. But you already have it 100x better than a huge number of mums who have what you do plus work to juggle.

your partner needs to step up. He can do Saturday mornings for you.

Tbh from your posts it sounds like the problem is more that you have 2 children, one of them v small rather than what your sister is doing. Your partner can do the shopping or ye can get a babysitter on a Saturday like she does but it just doesn't work with the baby. I'm sure she's envious at times that you get to stay home with your children while she has to go to work and do all the household stuff too, everyone's life looks better from the outside

Your parents' decision re what they want to prioritise is nothing to do with you. Work your arrangements for free time out with your husband.

You and your husband chose to have 2 kids, it’s yours and his responsibility to cope with that. Your sister chose to have 1 child, but didn’t choose to be a single mum who has her child 90% of the time with no support, and only has 10% of support in general. At least you and your husband can hand the children off to each other on a daily basis, your sister only (reasonably) has 1 day, and then a few hours twice a week. Time that she spends maintaining the household, by your post. If she chooses to hire a babysitter and go out on a Saturday night, that’s her choice too.

Your parents owe you nothing. They’re choosing to help your sister because she does have it harder than you do. They’re all she has for a support network, you have your husband.

Ultimately, you sound very jealous that you’re not being prioritized despite having a completely different situation, and jealous that your sister is making different choices to you

I also think it’s the green eyed monster.

In this day and age, sadly, a SAHP is a luxury not many can afford.

In a few short years your children will be at school, old enough for kids clubs, and you will get your life back.

As it is, you should enjoy the luxury you have been given and not be opposed to your sister being given help.

Im going to assume you and your sister do not get along otherwise you would be helping each other out.

Then get a job and put your kids in childcare!? Being a SAHM is a lifestyle choice, if it doesn’t work for you then take the steps needed to get a job which involves an hour lunchbreak!

You also shouldn’t have had a second child if you wanted to be able to have time to yourself but also wanted DD1 to have undivided attention when your DH has her. You made a choice to have 2 kids but seem to resent the fact that obviously mean you now have to meet the needs of the baby as well as your DD1. Your Dsis only has one child so of course when someone else has her she gets that time to yourself, if you’d stopped at one you also could have free time whenever DD1 was with someone else.

I reaise things are tricky with a newborn and if you are breastfeeding its not realistic to go out for a day. For now, your husband can take care of both the children while you have a day in bed with books and snacks (or whatever you like) and when the baby is a bit older then he can care for both while you have a day out with a friend or a weekend away and you can do the same so he can have a day out or a weekend away.

In time you can do it like a relay race. There's 15 months between my two and that's what me and my husband have always done Tag, you're it.

My friend said the exact same thing in your shoes OP. Her sister got all the family support and possibly took advantage. As PPs say, being the sole provider and nurse and bill payer and decision maker is extremely difficult and the mental load is significantly worse than a couple. Single mums do need more breaks, she also needs to foster friendships more and ( if she is interested) keep herself open to meeting a new partner. It's a very different perspective.

I do understand how stressful it is for you though. That's just parenthood, I never had much help with mine from family.

Maybe go and get a job so you can have the lunch breaks you desire? Childcare costs loads, youll be working for practically zilch, as your DSis prob knows, and the logistics will be tough, and you have to leave work if children become unwell.. but your DSis has no choice.
If you prefer being a SAHM that's a you problem, not your sister's.

So go back to work and get stuff done in your lunch break as well. You seem very jealous of your sister, between mentioning she gets her hair/nails done, goes out on a Saturday night sometimes (shocker!) and earns more money than your DH. You chose to be a SAHP, and how bloody lovely for you that you get that choice! Your sister doesn’t. She gets all that stuff done in her lunch break because she HAS to.

And your husband does all dinners, the household tasks, takes the oldest child - sometimes BOTH children, and you’re still whining that you don’t have enough support?

You were also very naive to think you’d get alone time to swan off and do whatever you liked with a toddler and a newborn

OP, you are being unfair. You have a partner. He can keep an eye on the children while you have a bath, wash your hair, go to the loo, have a difficult phone call. He can do the weekly shop if you are exhausted or ill, or it's his turn. Ditto things around the house.

You and your partner should each give each other 3-4 hours at the weekend while one has DC and the other has a lie in or goes out to do what they need or want to do, without children in tow. If you do this every weekend, and both of you get a good long break like this, it will massively reduce the stress and exhaustion and running on empty feeling. DH and I did this and it was so helpful.

So maybe you should have stopped at 1 dc?

You need to try and look at the good things in your life, you have a supportive dh, you have 2 healthy dc.

These difficult times are not forever

But you have them both during the week? You haven't mentioned DD1 missing out on quality time then, so not sure why it's suddenly such an issue on a Saturday.

Whatever arrangements your parents come to with your sister, that's none of your business and you can't dictate when someone else has your child.

This is a problem for you and DH to sort out between you.

Some would say you are very lucky, a DH who helps out, two kids and you stay home.

Feel blessed for what you have and don't envy what you don't have.

welcome to being a parent of two children.

Try being a single mum who is also a carer to a disabled teen. You wanted two kids, be a parent and stop thinking its everyone elses job to do it.

I am never getting a full day like my sister does

Do you realise how childish and whiny you sound here? You have two children, of course you will have less time than your dsis will have, even without the childcare issues.

I wonder your sister might be feeling a little unhappy at the moment with her own situation. It seems like you both had daughters a few months apart, you have gone on to have another (congratulations!) but she has split with her daughter's father and could be feeling like she won't have what you do. Maybe she hoped for a 3 year gap too, or thought you'd have babies together again, and she might need a little extra emotional support from your parents right now.

I hope the pair of you are both very appreciative of your parents' kind and generous CHOICE to afford you both some unpaid childcare, instead of making the poor buggers feel like a well chewed bone being snarled over by two dogs, who can't do right by anybody no matter how hard they try.

You both seem to be doing okay in the scheme of things, despite your circumstances, whether that's SAHP of two, or single, full time working mother of one. You could definitely be doing a lot worse, and there are drawbacks and trials to being a parent in most situations, because having fully dependent young ones is hard.