35 and want to be married before kids

[YourLivelyRedBiscuit]

Boyfriend of 18 months desperate for children but I am not willing to do so without a commitment ie marry me.

I know that clock is ticking blabla but I frankly feel insecure without a legal commitment. I'm putting my body and career on the line.

I don't even mind doing small ceremony now then a big one later.

We are still in the process of buying a house and I would like this sorted first too.

He says he will marry me but I feel insecure as his actions don't entirely match his words.

I know that it could take a while to fall pregnant but I feel hurt that he would get engaged to his ex but seems to want to check if I have a working womb first.

I wouldn’t have kids without getting married first. Women give up so much when they have children and unfortunately dads could just walk away or die, leaving the mother and kids up shit creek. At least if you’re married you have legal rights and protections. Without marriage you’re basically stuffed.

Good on you for having standards.

I must say though I wouldn't be buying a house with someone I'd only dated 18 months either.far too risky.

What if he refuses to marry you? You'll be stuck to him by the house. And you migh get coaxed into pregnancy without marriage.

Id rethink this house idea.
Rent together maybe. For a year lease tops. But don't buy together.

It's maybe a bit soon for a wedding. But not for an engagement.

What do you mean he wants to check your womb works first? Is HE pushing kids already?Because that's a huge red flag. Huge.

A man who wants kids with a woman should at least be discussing marriage first. It's basic respect. Fair enough if you didn't want to get married but this isn't the case.

It sounds to me like he might just want a baby. And not to be a father in terms of actually stepping up.

I don't like this op. Not one bit.
It's too risky.

Make sure your contraception is airtight whatever you do.

I don’t think 18 months is too soon to buy a house together like PP said, I have a friend who was married within 18 months. She was mid 30’s too I guess the clock was ticking (he was mid 40’s) so they cracked on. 15yrs later, still very much together. I agree in not having DC before marriage. Stick to your guns.

If I were you, I'd say 'right lets rent together for 6 months and if all goes well, we'll set the wedding date for within a year of that and start looking for a house for after the wedding too'.

If after 6 months, he umms and awesome or is dragging his heels, cut your losses and move out.

It puts her in a vulnerable position though.

If he drags his heels on marriage, she'll be less inclined to leave him because of the upheaval of selling the house. She may end up caving and having kids.

Also, I could be wrong here but- With them not being married, there may also be issues when selling the house. There won't be a divorce that can force the other party to sell, for example.

Thank you all for your input, it's really appreciated. We sort of have trialled living together as we are almost neighbours and we spend a lot of time at each others' places. We see each other every day and I love him and love spending time with him. I know it's not the same as living together but its something closer to that than what might appear.

Other than the baby thing he is a wonderful person and can see myself with him. He has said that he will marry me but I don't want a child with someone who said he will marry me but does not make any meaningful moves to do so.

I would also like to spend some time myself on improving my financial situation (I have some cc debt to clear but can do this within six months which he knows) and putting us in the best position for a good mortgage without any dependants to declare. My parents have helped me a lot with getting on the ladder so it is a must that I'm on the joint mortgage so I least have some stake in it. Initially he wanted to do the whole thing himself as he has a huge deposit saved which at the start I thought was quite sweet but then if marriage gets kicked down the road, where does that leave me if things go pear shaped?

His cousin recently had a baby then got married. She is similar age to us and had trouble conceiving. I have normal periods and don't foresee any issues but you never know as equally fertility issues occur on the male side.

I am hurt that he seems to prioritise baby making over marrying at the moment as it seems to think it will take ages. My sis fell within three months at the same age.

For me personally I would like to have children but I don't think it would be the end of the world it I couldn't. We had an argument where he sensed that I wasn't baby-mad but a lot of it is just pure fear of lack of security and being completely reliant on him without any legal protection, effects on my body, career and so on. I asked for space to think about things. It is really sad if I have to end things but I don't feel safe having a baby out of wedlock, even if it means risking not having kids at all, AIBU?

We have met each others families and this is a big deal in his culture so his intentions are serious but why won't he marry me first? Makes me feel not good enough

Yeah I think your priorities are right. I wouldn't want a baby with someone who wouldn't marry me or have me on the deeds of the house I lived in either.

You've made it straightforward though. He knows what you need from him. Keep it sunny - it's so simple! Marry you and get the property deal sorted and then you can get on with making babies.

No YANBU. If he says he's going to marry you then I'd just be asking him well why why don't we now?! If it's not too soon for TTC then it's not too soon for marriage.

Charming man.....what does he propose to do if your womb does not 'work'?

Again you say 'he wants to prioritise baby making'.

This would give me the fear.

Again, are you saying he's actually suggesting you try for kids now? Because that would be game over for me.

I'd find it so disrespectful that he was pushing the idea of kids before marriage when he knows you want marriage.

Frankly, if he is pushing it - it's creepy.

It's fine to say he isn't ready to marry yet. But pushing the baby idea is insidious.

I'd let him but the house himself. If it becomes the marital home, you will likely still have a stake in it in the case of divorce.

Don't put your money in with someone you've never lived with who isn't yet committed to the marriage you want.

Does he look after his own home? (is it clean, does he pay his bills and do all the housework himself?)

What cultural background does he come from?

And did he make a comment about your having ‘a working womb’ or is that that just you trying to make light of this?

The reason I ask is that in some subcultures marriage comes after pregnancy, not before.

I agree with you OP. However, I wouldn't feel hurt or offended - he's allowed his opinion, and I don't think it means you're "not good enough". I would not start TTC until we were married (and I'd be happy to keep explaining why).

Getting married is not complicated or expensive. If he is committed enough to have a baby, getting married should be as simple as going to fill out any other paperwork. If he doesn’t understand the risk a woman takes by getting pregnant and becoming a mother, then I would rethink him as a good potential partner in parenthood.

You are absolutely 100% right, if he wants a child with you, you should absolutely be legally protected. I’m always suspicious when a man wants a child but no marriage that he isn’t all in tbh, he doesn’t want to risk his assets, when I married DH I had more assets than him, but wasn’t anticipating leaving, it’s the risk you accept for love and I was happy to risk my assets to build a family with him.

The reality theres been a fair few times on mumsnet of women who are suddenly facing homelessness after long relationships because they did not make sure they were married before having children.

Having kids is always a roll of the dice for women, the chances are much higher of being ditched with the children. Or ending up on the back foot in employment (do NOT let this happen to you, it doesn’t matter if it looks like the maths doesn’t add up, do not stop working) Men rarely pack their kids up and leave.

There are plenty of women who are put at financial risk by marriage but it’s not the norm. Honestly though I would have thought less of DH if he had expected DC before marriage. I would have a think about whether you want to even have kids with him at all if he doesn’t get what the risks are to you or he does get it and doesn’t care.

Also most people with traditional cultural values think marriage before kids is important.

“For me personally I would like to have children but I don't think it would be the end of the world it I couldn't“

This is a bit of a red flag, do you genuinely really really want children, or is it just its the done thing that most people do, so your going along with the norm? Children you need to really actively want, you can’t go back and change your mind.

House buying is stressful, so I hope that goes smoothly. Personally I wouldn’t commit to marriage or children with someone I hadn’t lived with, or buying a property to be honest. I would wanting to be living together for a good 6-9 months minimum before making any other decisions first.

Above all, be clear and honest with him about your feelings that you do not feel secure not being married before you start making children. It's not about how much you love him.

Don't move in together without the ring.
Set a fair time limit.
Give him XX months to pop the question, after which you will move in. (Have him help decide the number of months.)

Go out, have fun times, buy the house, as tennants in common, and once engaged you can plan the wedding, move in and think of children.

If the XX months are up without a proposal, tell him you will sell your interest in the house and leave the relationship.
He might be open to you buying him out or you both owning the house as an investment rental for XX months until you decide other route.

I'd get a fertility check and then talk through how your maternity leave will look. So many women on here seem to think that they need to save to cover their share of the bills. It should drop down proportionally, with both of you financing things for the baby, anything maternity related and even maternity clothes. Then talk through what being a Father looks like to him. Will his life stop in the way your's will, does he accept that on maternity leave you will be looking after a newborn and recovering from birth, not be struggling as a sole housekeeper etc. What is his cultural norm on that? Then it's marriage or no baby.

Could you propose to him and set a date? Small simple wedding 3 months after you’ve moved in together.

Whatever you do, don't take engagement as 'good enough'. It means nothing security wise until you're down the isle. It's not a demonstration of commitment. Proposals can easily be withdrawn.

Also a good point about kids from pp. If you don't really, really want children, then you don't want them at all. 'Meh' is not an attitude to enter into parenthood with.

I would want to live together for a year at least before making any other big commitments so I would use that time to plan/set a date for wedding . If he won't do it you need to ask yourself why and decide whether you can accept that or move on.

Good for you OP!

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

There would be no reason to marry you after you've lived together, bought a house and had his children. You'd have given him everything he wanted and left the exit wide open should he decide to walk out with minimum repercussions to him. This was my line in the sand; no marriage meant no living together and definitely no kids. I've stuck to this principle all my life, I don't have time to get my head screwed by shitheads who promise the world and don't deliver.

There is a reason why many cultures encourage children after marriage because the woman is in a vulnerable position otherwise. If he refuses marriage before children and house buying then he's told you he wants to keep his options open. I don't think your boyfriend is serious about you otherwise he'd have agreed to marriage as soon as you mentioned it.

I was initially drawn to your post as I thought ‘crikey…35… better get going’ but actually given you’re relaxed about whether or not you have kids, holding out for marriage before having them is perfectly understandable.

This