35 and want to be married before kids

[YourLivelyRedBiscuit]

Boyfriend of 18 months desperate for children but I am not willing to do so without a commitment ie marry me.

I know that clock is ticking blabla but I frankly feel insecure without a legal commitment. I'm putting my body and career on the line.

I don't even mind doing small ceremony now then a big one later.

We are still in the process of buying a house and I would like this sorted first too.

He says he will marry me but I feel insecure as his actions don't entirely match his words.

I know that it could take a while to fall pregnant but I feel hurt that he would get engaged to his ex but seems to want to check if I have a working womb first.

I think you're right to have that boundary, but why are you setting up a life with a man whose actions do not match his words?
How can you trust him to honour the big commitments of marriage / child-rearing.

Quite honestly, if he wants you to prove your fertile before he'll marry you then he's not that mad about you Op

I can't help thinking that.

We talked about children before getting married-we both wanted them.

But what we wanted above that was to be together & be married to each other.

Maybe old fashioned but we didn't want to live together long term.

Greeks place a lot of importance on being married, usually in their own church. Would he only want a religious ceremony, in a Greek orthodox Church? Would your children be orthodox? My friend married a Greek many years ago, yes it's a place we all go to on holiday, it's in Europe, but truthfully a lot of the cultural differences were alien to her. As in things like religion and naming of children. If he still wants to follow those cultural rules you might have more issues than you know.

Honestly, prioritise having a baby if you both want a child. It could be another year until you're engaged and then another year before you're married and by that point you're late 30s or 40s and struggle to conceive. Your egg quality and quantity decreases from your mid 30s and gets worse in your late 30s and older.

@Hazeby

I do have a deposit actually and substantial help from my parents but it's sat in a separate account. The Cc debt is a separate thing and I've got other money put aside to clear it.

No, dont. You.will be left holding it and trying to work around a baby while he buggers off with no responsibilities.

Ah ok, that’s good. But do you think any of this is relevant? That he sees your financial positions as unequal and marriage equalises them unfairly, in his view?

When you say he won't marry you, what do you mean?
Do you mean he's agreed to marry but not actually presented you with an enormous diamond? If so, crack on and suggest some dates for the wedding. You don't need a diamond.
Or do you mean you've suggested dates to get married but he keeps saying no? That is a problem. I'd ask him which date he wants, and if he doesn't suggest one and you start looking at venues together within a week, then I'd tell him you don't believe he's serious about marriage and that's a deal-breaker for you.

This. Don't buy together yet, definitely don't get pregnant.
If he was someone who isn't bothered about marriage but commits to a relationship in every other way it would be a bit different (but still, if he's prepared to commit for the long haul then why WOULDN'T he agree to a registry office wedding) bit sounds like he's trying to sidestep the taking responsibility part and jump straight to the baby

@YourLivelyRedBiscuit it sounds like you have your head screwed on and you know what you are doing.

If you have met his parents, I wonder what they might think of him wanting to get you pregnant before marriage? I suspect they would prefer marriage first, much like you.

I was the poster that wondered if culture was a factor in his reluctance, and after you said he was Greek, a quick google led me to this: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/psp.2806
Greece has the lowest rate of births outside marriage in Europe. So it is definitely not a cultural thing!

I think you need a serious conversation with him and I hope it goes the way you want, whatever that may be.

Good on you for being sensible with a strong boundary op. Very few women think like you and just put a man first.
You're right, if he doesn't want to marry you then will he stick around if there's a fertility issue. The man you choose to be the father will be one of the biggest life long decisions you make, so choose wisely.

Do you love him? Ask him to marry you this summer. If he says no, cut your lossss and get rid, he doesn't love you in the way you need.

My advice would depend on your career and financial position. Although I wanted to get married to my ex from a romantic point of view, marriage in the protection sense would have made me worse off as I out earned him, have a better pension etc. we owned our house jointly so no issues there.

If you can get back to your career after having a baby and are not planning to be a SAHM, own your house and would be able to sustain yourself, I wouldn't worry too much.

If none of that applies stick to your guns.

@Hazeby yes I am obviously some evil gold-digger 🙄

Buy on your own.

Don't become a baby oven for a selfish man.
Particularly as you are ambivalent about children.

He likes you perhaps, he certainly doesn't love you.

You are a convenience for a baby oven.

Men like him change their mi d easily after the baby arrives when he wasn't in love with you in the first place.

Protect your independence and finances.
He's not in love with you, he is stringing you along.

Wanting to be a father without the hassle of marriage is a thing with men.

Don't be used by him.

You’re not. You’re being sensible and pragmatic.

He is making sure everything works to his advantage ahead of yours. So basically, house first, then baby, then (possibly, but no real incentive for him) marriage. Does he have a secure job and earnings, OP? Does he, could he financially support you both when you are on maternity?

Oh, be prepared for him to call you a gold digger. Dont fall for that.
There was a lady on here who had mived with her partner for 15 years, had 2 DC and now shafted because he called her a gold digger everytime she asked for an equal share or marriage.

@Milknosugarta

He has a very good secure job with a very well known company and lots of savings. He did offer to pay debt off but I wanted to deal with my own mess. He says he could support us both. I'm a teacher so have a secure job too and good maternity pay.

Has he explicitly said that you need to get pregnant first before you marry?

Have you both sat down and talked timelines of engagement, wedding, house, baby etc?

Are you both ‘the one’ for each other? AKA is it more situational than ‘omg this is the person I want to nag for the rest of my life grow old with’?

I am completely guessing as there’s not much info to go on here but is he still processing things from his past relationship with his ex fiancée? Or do you think he might be planning to propose at Christmas and is trying not to give it away and doing too well with it?
You need to talk calmly and pragmatically

A child is a bigger commitment, we were married baby 9 months after honeymoon.

If he won't marry you then I would be worried

Not really. Later in life, you make decisions much quicker cos you have the benefit of previous experience, and not the luxury of time.
I was married in 6 months. No regrets and it's completely normal on many cultures.

I get the pressure at that age - I was similar age with my partner of 2 years, we agreed we wanted children, got engaged a few weeks after that conversation, bought our house then started trying. We got married when DC was 6months old. If he is honest about wanting to marry you but worried about timescales he will do something to show you he is committed.

Tbh I'd drop any man that so much as hinted that we should have a baby before marriage anyway. I'd think he was a disrespectful, cheeky af prick.

Some might argue that so many people do this these days in the UK that there's some argument that some men don't think it's disrespectful anymore. But i don't really agree with that if I'm honest. I think too many women just let them play dumb. Because they want to believe he loves and respects them. And that he'll step up if they have kids.

If he's Greek and close with his family/culture... I would absolutely assume he damn well thinks it's disrespectful on the highest level to suggest children before marriage. But - 'gullible British woman I can use as a brood mare without marrying'.

But respectfully, no one knows anyone in 6 months. You got very lucky.

Most abusers for example, wait at least that long before dropping their guise.