35 and want to be married before kids

[YourLivelyRedBiscuit]

Boyfriend of 18 months desperate for children but I am not willing to do so without a commitment ie marry me.

I know that clock is ticking blabla but I frankly feel insecure without a legal commitment. I'm putting my body and career on the line.

I don't even mind doing small ceremony now then a big one later.

We are still in the process of buying a house and I would like this sorted first too.

He says he will marry me but I feel insecure as his actions don't entirely match his words.

I know that it could take a while to fall pregnant but I feel hurt that he would get engaged to his ex but seems to want to check if I have a working womb first.

I think your attitude is really sensible and would want marriage too. At 35 I'd consider fertility testing now tbh to give some information as to how much time you might have to make decisions/TTC and work from there.

As regards the idea that the risk of having kids without marriage can be negated by continuing to work full time that's not entirely true. Things like disability or illness cannot always be predicted and disrupt the best laid of plans. I know this from experience but was not impacted any more than DH by me ending up on a much lower salary than him as are married and share finances.

Lastly please don't get sucked into the nonsense of "waiting for a proposal" that we see on here so often. You're grown ups who can discuss and make big decisions together. Good luck!

I'm assuming you love each other and are otherwise happy. I'd stop contraception and go for it. You're buying a house together, that's commitment. Make sure you both have wills.

You won't get this time back. The sooner you start ttc the better your chances.

I've never met a man who was genuinely mad to have a baby....why does he want a baby without marriage and commitment.

I'm his beneficiary if he pegs it, mortgage is in my name, I ain't daft. He's been married before and got shafted in the divorce (partially down to him not being bothered to fight it). 10 years in, we aren't kids. Having the kids is a commitment in itself

Yes a prior poster voiced the fear I was trying to word exactly. If he wants the commitment of kids (which should be FAR bigger of a commitment than marriage) but, not the commitment of marriage- it indicates he doesn't think children are a commitment at all. Why? Because he thinks you'll do all the child rearing.

It's mysoginy. And at worst, he is potentially looking to baby trap you. Would explain his frustration when you set boundaries around having kids.

I don't think he's weird for being keener on kids than marriage. Some people do see it as a party and a piece of paper.

But you are perfectly reasonable and sensible to insist on marriage first, given the risks and sacrifices women make when they have babies are usually much greater. I would do the same. I wouldn't even debate with him about it - that gives the impression it's up for discussion and you might change your mind. Just be clear that it is an absolute necessity for you. Then he needs to decide.

There are women on here every week who are being shafted in divorce. Can’t afford a house, the ex disputing their earnings, not paying child maintenance and all the rest of it.

My point is that marriage won’t protect you if the man you’re marrying doesn’t have the same values as you. Who he is and how he approaches these things is the most important thing.

The fact he is dismissive of your wants and needs and thinks he knows best and is pressuring you to do it his way should be the thing that has you worried - not the actual fact of marriage or no marriage.

Stick to your guns op. If he wants to commit to raising a child with you then he can commit to bloody getting married. Feels like a massive red flag to be honest.

I was 35 when I started TTC and took me two years to get pregnant I was literally starting IVF when I fell pregnant naturally we had bought our house in the middle of it all but put off being married . I get what others are saying about being married first and having that commitment and security but just keep in mind you might not have the time you think you have if you want more than one child . Just food for thought

Nah he knows exactly what he is doing
he dosent want to get married because if he’s putting in a huge deposit any deed of trust for the protection of it is pretty much invalid when he gets married

and to be fair I don’t blame him
he stands to lose 50 percent possibly more of his deposit if he’s married
and what if you can’t / change your mind about kids

your both trying to protect yourself you with marriage
him not getting married

It really isn’t and I don’t get the 😂 as it’s not remotely funny. Hope you are at least joint tenants on the mortgage…

great you are still together and all… but the reality is if he left you, i don’t think you’d agree being on his crappy bupa plan is equivalent or greater than the protection marriage would have afforded you and your children.

I would worry about a man who is not happy to share his finances with me through a marriage but is happy for me to make the commitment to him to put my career on hold and be tied to him for life via a joint child. Where is his long term commitment to you and the child if he isn't prepared to marry you.

I would also have a serious discussion about how you will pool finances and costs when married particularly as you are coming into this with unequal contributions. Even married you could end up in a situation where he insist on a prenup to protect his deposit but then expects you to contribute 50:50 whilst repaying your own debts when on maternity leave.

I would expect his commitment to share finances equally and pool resources to match your commitment to take a career hit whilst having a baby. If this is not done willingly then I would reconsider as a reluctant agreement could cause future resentment.

Well done for thinking all this through first as many people don't.

Stick to your guns,marriage then house(in joint names) then kids
The number of women I have seen who have children then never get married !

I bought a house with DH after 18 months of dating, then got engaged the month before we moved in...now expecting DC2 after 6 years together...wasn't 'risky' at all...think that's quite an old fashioned attitude nowadays tbh!

OP my main concern in your situation would be if he's not 100% about marriage...and it's something you really want. You need your values and wants to align.

just get a fertility MOT check to be on the safe side and know where you stand.

House is mortgaged, in my name only and at a price I can afford on my own. Jesus just because I'm not forcing him into a marriage I'm apparently not protecting myself or my children .... Who says I won't leave him and shaft him? What protection exactly would I get from a marriage?

@Cornflakelover

I'm happy to get married after sorting out house.
I need security before children. He's Greek by the way. I'm making all the sacrifices but he makes none.
Man obviously values my ability to have children more than a committment to me.
I'm thinking that we might have to break up. 😥

In the cultures where meeting the family is a big deal, marriage before babies is also usually the custom. Was his mother married before she had her first child?

Then you deserve the same security & respect.

Yanbu.

The problem with commitment as expressed by BUPA membership is the ease with which it is cancelled. Same goes for wills etc. which are all very easily changed unilaterally. Fine if that works for you but a risk nonetheless.

Bet you any money he's assumed the baby is going to have his surname too.

What a lot of posters are missing is the DP has baby fever whereas the Op doesn't sound that bothered, she'd be having a baby more for him than herself. You want marriage, he wants DC, so I'd tell him it's an easy deal, marriage then DC or not at all.
Quite honestly, if he wants you to prove your fertile before he'll marry you then he's not that mad about you Op

And 'in his culture' are babies usually born before marriage?

Or does he pick and choose traditions?

I'm pretty sure the Greeks get married first then have babies.

When you say he's making no moves to get married, what do you mean by that? Are you waiting for him to get down on bended knee? Just have a straight honest and calm conversation about what you want and where your boundaries are. To be honest 18 months in a relationship is too soon to marry (in my opinion), but you could both be planning a future wedding. No babies until you're married though!!

This.

Sounds like he wants to prove his equipment works as well as his cousin's, and you'll make a useful housemate to help him get on the property ladder, pay the bills, clean his loo and wash his sheets.

Without marriage he can leave you holding a new born, pop home to Greece and you won't even get child support.

Yanbu.

Put the house buying on hold.

Move in with him for 6 months and rent your place out (or vice versa).
The extra income will help with a deposit and you’ll know if you two are well suited or not.

After the 6 months then you can buy a home.

I would book a registry wedding for a couple months later and then start TTC.
You can have a bigger ceremony at a later date if you want family and friends to attend etc.

It is better to give yourself that extra few months and be more certain about him, than getting pregnant and having absolutely no security.

Many people do not start having kids until your age and so you’re not exceptionally old or anything.
It’s worth taking some extra time.

Definitely do not get pregnant before marriage.
There is nothing wrong with having kids outside of marriage but his reluctance to get married yet have kids is quite odd and would be ringing alarm bells.

I admit I have no idea about Greek culture but I’ve never heard of a culture that prioritises having kids over marriage.