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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

35 and want to be married before kids

159 replies

YourLivelyRedBiscuit · 17/11/2024 02:32

Boyfriend of 18 months desperate for children but I am not willing to do so without a commitment ie marry me.

I know that clock is ticking blabla but I frankly feel insecure without a legal commitment. I'm putting my body and career on the line.

I don't even mind doing small ceremony now then a big one later.

We are still in the process of buying a house and I would like this sorted first too.

He says he will marry me but I feel insecure as his actions don't entirely match his words.

I know that it could take a while to fall pregnant but I feel hurt that he would get engaged to his ex but seems to want to check if I have a working womb first.

OP posts:
LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 17/11/2024 07:00

I was basically in this EXACT position

we bought the house as tenants on common with our original deposits ring fenced and equity gains apportioned in line with deposit (not 50/50)
we did this ONLY as this was more favourable to me.
in your case I’d want 50/50.

i was happy to forgo kids if I was not having them inside of marriage.
i was clear I saw a future and if he wanted children we were on a timeline and so I expected to be engaged by end year and if he wasn’t on the same page lmk now.
ring shopping was in sept he proposed at christmas.
we got married the next summer (so 6m or so engagement. No big wedding venue and 3 year wait… we did Civil ceremony and hired a restaurant)

our relationship was SO strong I thought I was being OTT I am now 40 with 2 kids and have NO regrets NONE! about insisting upon marriage and if anything have doubled down on my marriage before children stance.
babies test your relationship in ways you cannot conceive of…

SO much will change for you when you have children and it is 💯 fair and right for you to seek that protection.
if he can’t give it you can continue as you are and you keep your independence or split. But if HE wants kids HE needs to demonstrate his commitment to you and your child(ren) through marriage
don’t move on this

KickHimInTheCrotch · 17/11/2024 07:01

There is no "right" way to move forward with your life but you sound like you have some clear ideas about what you want so you need to set your boundaries and stick to them.

There are plenty of happy families who have done things differently; children before marriage, no marriage, living separately or together. Plenty of relationships that end after having children (marriage or not) can still be positive experiences and great co-parents. Doing things in the "right" order doesn't guarantee that you are protected or secure for your remaining days.

But please don't back down on what your expectations are for the next stage of your relationship. You know what matters to you and be prepared to walk away if you feel the compromise is too much.

NewGreenDuck · 17/11/2024 07:07

YourLivelyRedBiscuit · 17/11/2024 03:34

We have met each others families and this is a big deal in his culture so his intentions are serious but why won't he marry me first? Makes me feel not good enough

Edited

Do you feel you could say what culture this is ? I'm more concerned about this than the fact he is hesitant to marry?
Is there a possibility that he won't marry you, but is waiting for a woman from his own culture?
Sorry to be blunt, but I do find it concerning.

Lemonadeand · 17/11/2024 07:08

Stand your ground. Your instincts are correct. Just be aware that regular periods don’t always mean it will be straightforward to conceive.

Loopytiles · 17/11/2024 07:14

Wouldn’t ttc (or buy property) together until married (not just engaged).

Maray1967 · 17/11/2024 07:15

Not a chance would I have had DC before marriage. DH never suggested it - but the answer would have been no. That was 30 years ago but I was clued up enough then to know that it’s usually the woman who is screwed over when there are DC and no legal protection.

RedHelenB · 17/11/2024 07:15

Pinkbonbon · 17/11/2024 02:54

If I were you, I'd say 'right lets rent together for 6 months and if all goes well, we'll set the wedding date for within a year of that and start looking for a house for after the wedding too'.

If after 6 months, he umms and awesome or is dragging his heels, cut your losses and move out.

This.

Wonderi · 17/11/2024 07:16

I find it really odd when people want kids but not marriage, kids are a much bigger commitment than marriage.

I know you’ve not been together that long but if he genuinely wanted commitment/kids then he would have proposed and be planning the wedding already.

The sad fact is, is that men can walk away from kids but they can’t from marriage as easily.
Marriage is more of a commitment for men than kids are.

Some men will want the woman to stay committed by having a baby but not give her the commitment in return by being married.

I would be careful with this one and be very open about remaining on contraception until you are married.

You don’t need any a big celebration day, that can come later if it’s something you both want but for now a registery office would be fine.

WinterFoxes · 17/11/2024 07:18

YourLivelyRedBiscuit · 17/11/2024 03:34

We have met each others families and this is a big deal in his culture so his intentions are serious but why won't he marry me first? Makes me feel not good enough

Edited

No way would I think about having children with a man who wasn't really keen on getting married first. And don't buy a house with him either. Why tangle up your finances with a man who places so little value on your financial security that he pushes you to get pregnant but doesn't want to legally commit to you.
I'd stay as you are. Separate homes and finances until you have reached a level of career advancement that you are happy with and he has matured enough to realise marriage first, children second is the most secure order for women, which he should be fine with if he has your best interests at heart.

LoquaciousPineapple · 17/11/2024 07:19

You're only 18 months in and don't live together, so I can understand his reluctance to get married right now. He is being unreasonable to pressure for children at this point though. It suggests to me that he sees children as less of a commitment than marriage, which isn't a perspective I'd want in a partner. That alone would make me reconsider the whole relationship, to be honest.

A marriage is legally very easy to leave, with just some financial penalties (if you choose to see it like that). Why does he think that's more of a commitment than having a child with someone? That implies to me that he thinks he can walk away from his kid(s) relatively unscathed and untied if the relationship breaks down. That he sees the financial penalties of divorce as impacting him more than the practical ones of coparenting. Which means he doesn't intend to be a good coparent all.

Justleaveitblankthen · 17/11/2024 07:23

Like other PPS I was even more concerned when you spoke about things being important to his culture.

So is he 'going against' his culture with a baby before marriage?
This is even more of a red flag I'm afraid.

I think that you have strong and healthy boundaries though OP. 💐

Necky1 · 17/11/2024 07:23

Pinkbonbon · 17/11/2024 02:47

Good on you for having standards.

I must say though I wouldn't be buying a house with someone I'd only dated 18 months either.far too risky.

What if he refuses to marry you? You'll be stuck to him by the house. And you migh get coaxed into pregnancy without marriage.

Id rethink this house idea.
Rent together maybe. For a year lease tops. But don't buy together.

It's maybe a bit soon for a wedding. But not for an engagement.

What do you mean he wants to check your womb works first? Is HE pushing kids already?Because that's a huge red flag. Huge.

A man who wants kids with a woman should at least be discussing marriage first. It's basic respect. Fair enough if you didn't want to get married but this isn't the case.

It sounds to me like he might just want a baby. And not to be a father in terms of actually stepping up.

I don't like this op. Not one bit.
It's too risky.

Make sure your contraception is airtight whatever you do.

This.
I wouldn't be buying a house. Too soon.

I am hugely suspicious of men who are baby but not marriage mad.

They know EXACTLY what they want with a little commitment and blowback as possible.

Kindly, but only foolish woman have babies without being married when they are not financially secure with an excellent well paid job.

He wants to fully buy a house, you to have a baby, no marriage.

YOU and only YOU are putting EVERYTHING on the line for a man who wants it all without commitment.

Calculate the minimum child maintenance.
THAT is all he has to give you as he walks out the door and you are left royally screwed.

Huge huge red flag that he was angry you are not baby mad.

He sounds like a prick who thinks you are dim and going to fall for this.

DON'T.

You don't know him.
18 months is nothing.

Do not give up your career and independence for such a selfish man.

If he really loved you, he would be keen for marriage.

He fancies a child, thats all.
Don't be a fool.

Kitkat2065 · 17/11/2024 07:26

I would have liked the same, but two kids and a mortgage later still no ring. In his words however 'i've put you on my Bupa ... That's committment" 🤣

Necky1 · 17/11/2024 07:33

So many threads where women wanted marriage, were promised it, but after children they changed their minds.

The fact that his culture is different is also not something to rush into.

Rent for a year, get engaged, small wedding, THEN children.

If he refuses, you then realise that he is playing you.
Which I think he is.
Some men want everything their own way.

Only foolish women give in and regret it.

Your gut is warning you to protect yourself.

Aside from everything, I wouldn't dream of having children if I was ambivalent about it.

Big mistake. Having children can be just too hard if you are not sure about it.
Some of the happiest people I know don't have children.

Namechangey23 · 17/11/2024 07:47

YourLivelyRedBiscuit · 17/11/2024 03:32

Thank you all for your input, it's really appreciated. We sort of have trialled living together as we are almost neighbours and we spend a lot of time at each others' places. We see each other every day and I love him and love spending time with him. I know it's not the same as living together but its something closer to that than what might appear.

Other than the baby thing he is a wonderful person and can see myself with him. He has said that he will marry me but I don't want a child with someone who said he will marry me but does not make any meaningful moves to do so.

I would also like to spend some time myself on improving my financial situation (I have some cc debt to clear but can do this within six months which he knows) and putting us in the best position for a good mortgage without any dependants to declare. My parents have helped me a lot with getting on the ladder so it is a must that I'm on the joint mortgage so I least have some stake in it. Initially he wanted to do the whole thing himself as he has a huge deposit saved which at the start I thought was quite sweet but then if marriage gets kicked down the road, where does that leave me if things go pear shaped?

His cousin recently had a baby then got married. She is similar age to us and had trouble conceiving. I have normal periods and don't foresee any issues but you never know as equally fertility issues occur on the male side.

I am hurt that he seems to prioritise baby making over marrying at the moment as it seems to think it will take ages. My sis fell within three months at the same age.

For me personally I would like to have children but I don't think it would be the end of the world it I couldn't. We had an argument where he sensed that I wasn't baby-mad but a lot of it is just pure fear of lack of security and being completely reliant on him without any legal protection, effects on my body, career and so on. I asked for space to think about things. It is really sad if I have to end things but I don't feel safe having a baby out of wedlock, even if it means risking not having kids at all, AIBU?

Whoa hold it right there. You are not sure if you even want kids! Why are you letting him pressure you?

Kids put a bomb in your current life, I know I have 2. It will put your life under stress so if one or several elements of it are not up to scratch it will creak and groan and those problems will become more stark, resentment sets in etc. Having a child is he biggest test, it's when you find out truly who you both are, whether you work as a team and what you are really made of. Some people take to parenting like a duck to water, some people get by and some people just survive.

Have you asked him WHY he is so desperate for kids suddenly, because there are a lot of reasons that aren't great... Such as family pressure/ cultural expectation/ sibling competition etc. I actually think it's quite unusual now for men to want kids, but someone will come along and say NEM!

A great many women find out AFTER having kids their partner is a lazy self centered person who thinks raising children and the mental load of doing it as well as the physical load is ',women's work'. Swerve these men, it only gets worse and you will wind up hating him. I'd probe a bit deeper on what his views on women really are, his own childhood (what role did his father play-would he be different?) and how he plans to raise his future kids right through to adulthood, is it the same way you would do it or will you have to compromise and are you both prepared to do that? Also a very important question is...WHY did he break up with his former fiancée...I'd be very tempted to ask her the same question! They were going to get married and one of them backed out. WHY? And why is he now not bothered about marriage when he had proposed to her...it's a bit fishy.

Also you need to do some work on yourself first. You say you are in debt, great clear it quick but HOW did you get this way in the first place? If you are only just making ends meet things will get much much worse if you have a child so need to focus on boosting earnings first. If it's that you bought lots of unnecessary things, you need to learn to budget as a mortgage and a child are both massive long term financial commitments and you will have to go without the things you fancy (unless you are loaded!) to service both commitments. It's estimated the current cost of raising a child to 18 is circa £200K at today's money. And it costs more if you have to do it alone (which entirely isn't fair!). You worry about everything to do with your child, last thing you want is relationship worries or financial guilt on top. How will you continue to work (assuming you haven't preagreed to live off your partners income or parental handouts?). What is the childcare like in the area you plan to settle in? Find local Facebook groups and ask what nurseries or child minders are around and then find out how much they charge and what help would be available to you. My youngest's nursery cost is £94 a day in the South East (not London) for example..

I hope this serves as some common sense talking, you sound like you have your head properly screwed on anyway to be thinking about this now and not just accidently getting pregnant...which is how I did the first time, wish I could go back in time and tell myself these things! It's worked out ok in the end but could have been easier, less heartbreak and less stressful times with prior planning.

Pumpkinpie890 · 17/11/2024 07:52

I would get married. Buy a house. Then children.

Children are down as dependents on mortgage applications so will have an impact. Best to be married before house and house before children.

I would be direct and cut your losses as I agree if he is pushing for babies but avoiding marriage I'd be concerned, as children are a lifelong commitment you can't divorce from..to commit to that but not ensuring financial security for you all, it's a hint that he isn't seeing fatherhood responsibly.
Unfortunately we don't have time on our side so I'd be pretty ruthless in my boundaries and expectations before any decisions are put into action.

JustMyView13 · 17/11/2024 07:53

You have to be really firm in what you want. Explain to him, ultimately he can walk out at 39+6 with next to no consequences, leaving you with a baby as a single parent and you’d have to fight to get your child the maintenance they deserve.
He will respond and tell you he would never do that, do you not trust him. And your response is simply that yes you trust him, you never see that scenario happening to you. But nor do all the other women who find themselves in that position. You’re happy to make the sacrifices that come with having his child, but he too needs to show commitment at the same level. Even if that means a quick 2+2 service at the registry office.
Ultimately if he thinks that’s an unreasonable position for you to take, then you have your answer unfortunately. Better now though.

Also if your parents gave you money, consider a pre-nup.

Namechangey23 · 17/11/2024 07:55

Kitkat2065 · 17/11/2024 07:26

I would have liked the same, but two kids and a mortgage later still no ring. In his words however 'i've put you on my Bupa ... That's committment" 🤣

It really isn't...ask him how being on his BUPA will help you and his kids if he pegs it and there is no marriage link. I'd be looking into that one legally if I was you! If he wont get married will he at least sign a legal agreement to commit to half responsibility for his kids now and in the future?! We need an agreement which isn't marriage for fuckwits wont get married but oh so happy to procreate!! They should be forced to sign it in the maternity ward.

Redlorryyellowcar · 17/11/2024 07:55

We talked about babies before marriage and it happened very fast. We did get married when our baby was 1 but it was a very stressful first year and he threatened to pull out of the wedding multiple times.

i wouldnt recommend it. We are still married but looking back I wish we’d done a small wedding first (reason we didn’t marry when I was pregnant was my choosing, I wanted the big white wedding and to have a glass of fizz at our wedding)

Hateam · 17/11/2024 07:56

He says he will marry me but I feel insecure as his actions don't entirely match his words.

Don't marry him, don't have kids with him, don't buy a house with

You'll be back on Mumsnet in 6 years saying how he changed after children arrived and how awful he is.

holju · 17/11/2024 07:57

Perhaps he's worried that you'll marry him then decide you don't want kids.

LovelyDaaling · 17/11/2024 07:58

Trust your instincts, no wedding, no baby.

SoiledMyselfDuringSomeTurbulence · 17/11/2024 07:59

Have you explored with him whose surname he thinks the baby will have? It's your choice if unmarried. This seems to be a big deal for a surprising number of men.

Comingupriver · 17/11/2024 08:00

OP, what does he love about you? Joe do you know he would be a decent partner in this? Having babies is liek putting a grenade into your relationship. The foundation has to be rock solid. Be careful here. You are not a womb for rent.

Comingupriver · 17/11/2024 08:02

How does he treat you when you’re ill? Is he trying to keep up with his cousin?

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