35 and want to be married before kids

[YourLivelyRedBiscuit]

Boyfriend of 18 months desperate for children but I am not willing to do so without a commitment ie marry me.

I know that clock is ticking blabla but I frankly feel insecure without a legal commitment. I'm putting my body and career on the line.

I don't even mind doing small ceremony now then a big one later.

We are still in the process of buying a house and I would like this sorted first too.

He says he will marry me but I feel insecure as his actions don't entirely match his words.

I know that it could take a while to fall pregnant but I feel hurt that he would get engaged to his ex but seems to want to check if I have a working womb first.

You've got no reason to think he doesn't want to be committed to you, you are buying a home together and he wants a baby!

Perhaps he is worried that if you leave it too long (time for you to sort cc debt, a wedding, a house purchase) it'll be too late. If he knows for sure that he wants children in his life, then he might be thinking that he doesn't want to wait until marriage and end up stuck in a marriage where he can't have them!

I don't see the big deal to be honest if you get a joint mortgage and don't plan to give up your job to be a SAHM, what have you got to lose other than pension contributions while on mat leave?

I remember reading that it can be up to 2 years before you really see a person.
How often on MN do we read of men that didn't present as lazy selfish pricks until children came into the picture.

6 months is nothing time wise and a complete aberration in terms of meeting and marrying, certainly no bench mark to apply.

I would call it madness and enormous good luck that it worked out well.
Delighted it did for you though!

"Marry in haste, repent at leisure"is a saying for a reason.

Why would you be completely reliant on him?

My mother has only ever given me two pieces of advice.

Don’t have children with a man who unless your married .
&
Pay your pension!

These 2 things I have done.

I didn’t get married until 32 and had 2 babies within 2 years !
Now aged 37 I know so many women with children who are still waiting for marriage !! 2 of these women are long term partners of my brothers - desperate to get married but still girlfriends in their 40s.

Marriage doesn’t have to cost much
so that is not an excuse . ! I got married 18 months after meeting DH!!!!!!

Marriage and a wedding are not the same thing. If the DP doesn't want to it's a moot point anyway but if he did they could marry quickly and cheaplfor the protection it gives.

Again, as for the SAHM/continue working point please bear in mind it is not always that simple. Women take risks with their health that men do not when having children. Also it is not so easy to stick to earning plans if th child has health problems or disabilities. All which risk women like the OP finding themselves unable to keep up their income as originally planned. It's all well and good when things go well... In sickness and in health etc.

I don’t personally want kids but if I did - no way would I consider it without being married.

Have you actually told him “no marriage = no baby” ?

Sounds like he
is gaslighting you big time.

You marry someone because you adore them. If he married you and ‘your womb didn’t work’ would be leave you ?

This is madness. You could be pregnant in 1 months or it might take 2 years !? You’re now worried. Will he leave you if you don’t get pregnant asap. It sounds like he is trying to make you doubt yourself .

This is all wrong . You are , I imagine a wonderful and capable woman. There will be plenty of men who want to marry you for you . Why waste time on this chump?

Stick to your guns. I want to be married . Then I will try for a baby. That’s it. If you aren’t compatible now why would you kick the can down the road and complicate it ? Why buy. House ? This won’t change anything. He just knows you will then be tied to him and getting older and you will just agree to have a baby.

Have an honestly chat. Set your stalls out ans ne prepared to leave . I left a guy of 7 years because he would give me everything apart from marriage ! That wasn’t enough for me. I didn’t want to be his girlfriend, housekeeper and the woman who raised the children. Yet not be worthy of being a wife. He kept saying it made no difference but it did to me. It took me years to leave because I was 29 and clock was ticking. I meet my now DH and he has got down one one knee after one year and 6 months later we were married . 2 years after meeting we had bought a house , had a baby and were married ! He looks at me like I’m magic. Please don’t lower yourself to accept this blokes ploy.

Marriage first. Then house and babies.

You can literally go the registry office within weeks and sort it.

If he doesn’t want to do this, I wouldn’t be buying a house with him or even discussing children. 🚩

OP: my Greek partner says "Talk to his mother! Tell her he wants babies but won't marry you and see what she says!"

I'm not sure I'd have the courage to do this, mind!

What if OP waits and waits and then never conceives?

So what? She says she is willing to risk it. She can be perfectly happy child free. Its her fiance who is baby mad.

OP just a heads-up as you say you are a teacher so will get good maternity pay, this is definitely not always the case and can vary from LA to LA, academy trust to academy trust. Many teachers nowadays just get the minimum statutory pay so ensure that you check what you personally are entitled to and are aware of your financial position.

^ this.
You sound like you have your own wellbeing at heart which is so bloody refreshing to see !

I would feel the same as you. YANBU. Stay firm

True, some couples have children without marrying and some couples marry before having children. A proportion of those couples will split up. The difference then for those two groups is the married woman will generally be entitled to roughly half the couple's assets to enable her to provide a home for herself and the children, while the unmarried woman could end up homeless and penniless with her children if she does not have her name on the house or money in her own bank accounts.

It's a simple matter of safeguarding for mothers and children. Marriage is the simplest and most effective way of doing this. If he is sooo committed to you why won't he marry you?

Stick to your guns. Marriage before kids.

That was a deal breaker for me too. DH wanted the same things as me. If you have different goals and values in life, that's a bit of a red flag.

I think that your right about getting married before having a child. You and your future child or children are entitled to the legal protection that a marriage gives. Also if anything was to happen to either of you with a young family you have far better legal and tax protection being married. When you have a baby your hope they will be healthy but this may not be the case. Having a child with special needs may mean that you need to work less hours or give up work and this means that you are far more financially dependent on him.

I think that some men get to a certain age and they see that friends and family members are in couples and having kid's. They don't have the lads to go out with at night and at weekends.
So they want what they have. They like the idea of a baby but in many cases they have had very little experience of babies and small children. They can promise their baby mother they will get married but this month might never happen.

One of my friends was involved with a man and she knew he wanted to have a child. He was blowing hot and cold on her. He then cheated on her. His new girlfriend was pregnant within the year. I am sure the fact he had a house and a job had nothing to do with this.
He sold this house and bought a bigger house in a cheaper area.

Now a number of years later my friend found out the following via someone they both know.
The house he bought is just in his name. Along with this he has left this house to the child in the event of his death. Any savings and his pension are going into a trust for the child as well if was to die. She will have to ask for money from this and state the reason why she needs this. He has no intention of marrying his baby mother.
He was made redundant and is now a career for his child as they have some special needs. He is getting benefits for this. Meanwhile his girlfriend who he lives with is working full time.

My friend was very upset when he cheated on her but she says now that was glad not to end up with him.

In your situation I would be very honest with him and tell him that you won't be trying for a baby until you get married. I would be very cautious about buying a house and putting a lot of your money into this until you get proper legal advice re protecting this money and working out the percentage of the house you will own.

I would not be using my savings or parents money to prop up the house buying potential of a man who is not willing to marry you. Nor would I get pregnant with him either.

Then she doesn't conceive. Kids aren't a necessity or an entitlement.

If considering settling for the wrong man in order to have them, your priorities would be all wrong. Children deserve families with healthy relationship dynamics. Not weak parents who settle for partners who they don't love and aren't loved by.

Stick to your guns, OP. Regardless of what his cousin did, this is your life. Tell him that you will not have a baby outside of marriage. End of. You don’t need to elaborate; thus only gives him the opportunity to shoot down your reasons. Tell him you are baby ready, and the only thing holding you both back is his lack of commitment toward marriage. How soon you have a baby is down to him, and when the marriage date is set.

Good advice from your mum.

Absolutely this times a million!! Having babies isn't the only way to live a happy fulfilling life.

I thought OP wanted a baby and would be sad if she never had children? If she's not bothered then she fair enough. DP and I have been happily together for years and we're nearly a decade younger than OP. I'm not keen on marriage but we both wanted a child. Having a career and being a mum were my dreams.

You should comment that on the fertility boards. I know women who left it too late and never ended up conceiving and are devastated. If you're ambivalent about having children then you shouldn't have children.

So presumably then if you disagree with my statement, you do believe that having babies is the only way to live a happy fulfilling life?