I don't want my sister to see my children

[Justworldfallacy]

My sister (40, single, no kids) and I (44, married, 2 kids) have never got along. Even as children we fought non stop. When my grandfather passed in 2022, my daughter's (9 and 12 at the time) attended his funeral to say goodbye. My youngest became upset and was crying. My sister turned to me and told me to "get her out of here" for crying too loudly. I was so upset at her behaviour.
Fast forward to Christmas that year. I had been made redundant earlier in the year so Christmas gifts for the family were budget friendly and mostly handmade. I got a message on boxing day from my sister about how terrible her gift was considering how much she'd spent on my girls. She also told me how my daughter had ruined Pa's funeral with her loud sobbing. Her message was highly critical of me. I was devastated and called Mum to talk, who agreed with me that her behaviour was unreasonable. I no longer wanted my children being in contact with my sister until things changed. I explicitly communicated this to my sister and parents.
No one respected that. My sister continued contacting my daughters by phone. Even using her work mobile to evade detection.
My parents ignored my request too. My kids loved staying with them over the holidays and when I called to check in one day, my sister was looking after them whilst they went out.
I expressed my concern with mum who, by now, insisted that I was the problem, not my sister.
I told mum that my kids were no longer going to her house if my sister was there. She said it was her house and she can have who ever she wants there. Fair enough I guess. So I put my foot down and said she can only see her grandkids on neutral ground such as a cafe or shopping centre only.
I see her once every four to five months now.
I hardly hear from my family now. Even my extended family thinks poorly of me. I can only imagine what's been said and what's been twisted and distorted. I got wind of a "horrible" Facebook post that didn't even exist.

As Christmas approaches there is an expectation to be at mums on Christmas Day. I don't want to go. My kids don't want to go. They don't understand why nanny changed and neither do I.

I think you need to stay home and have a Christmas just you and your little family. Block everyone for now and let them deal with their own stuff. Decide how you want to carry things on longer term on the new year.

Ahh sorry OP but you and your children and the ones missing out. You’re taking it too far. Can you imagine if it’s was your girls doing this to you. Your mum must be devastated and sounds to be like your using your girls to get at your sister.

Can you not just be civil you don’t have to be best friends.

Your children are old enough to make their own choices who they want to be in contact with.

personally I think a few comments at a tough time have been taken to far and been allowed to create bigger issues than really necessary. If you don’t want contact that’s your choice but don’t drag your parents into the issues

Ps Christmas Day is always tense. Have Christmas at yours but I do think you need to rethink this all.

I’m a big advocate for no contact in abusive families. But this, unless there’s more, doesn’t sound like it’s much more than a very rude person you have to deal with?

You seem to be quite the drama llama, escalating disagreements into going NC and expecting your mother to fall into line.

It’s ok to be angry with your sister. That doesn’t mean your children and mum need to cut her off. Just communicate and resolve things.

Life isn’t a soap opera.

Your sister sounds like a pain but it's OTT to go no contact for this, unless there's loads more you've not said you're pulling apart your family for a petty reason. She obviously loves your kids or why would she go to the hassle of calling them off her work phone. You two need to hash it out

Your sister sounds rude but this is a massive overreaction and now all of the family now not seeing you! The kids loved staying there, so what if your sister was there, so what if she minded them. Your kids were happy and you've took this way too far.

I didn't think you were being particularly unreasonable until the part where you stopped your parents from seeing your daughters at their home because your sister was there. That's a huge overreaction, very unfair on your parents, certainly not in the best interests of your children and I'm not surprised you've been harshly judged for it.

They don't understand why nanny changed and neither do I.
But she didn't? It was you who restricted contact not her. How could things not change if you prevent your kids visiting when they previously stayed for significant periods.

They don't understand why nanny changed and neither do I.

Nanny 'changed' because you turned a slight spat with your sister into something that split the whole family.
I really don't get why you did that.

Your sister was a pain, but you massively over reacted, and involved your mum unnecessarily. And your children were the losers.

Huge over reaction on your part and you are making your children suffer for it.

You should demonstrate flexibility and compromise snd understanding in relationships to them. A rude family member is nothing unusual and something your children should be taught they will encounter and should deal with. One day it might be your children cutting you out for being rude.

Sorry OP but YABU. Have Christmas at home, but put all this petty stuff behind you for the sake of your mum and your DDs and their relationship with their aunt and Gran.

I agree with others that you've let this escalate massively into an unnecessarily divisive situation.

I don't get on with my sister, so I do understand how upsetting and stressful it can be, and she is very rude, but her rudeness is directed at me and my husband, the kids are pretty much unaffected by it.

I have stopped phoning her for catch ups and we can go months without speaking (we live pretty far apart so only ever see each other maybe maximum 3 times a year). But I'm civil when she comes to visit other family who live nearby and will have her and her family for dinner etc, although I don't enjoy it. It's not an easy situation at all, but I try to be the bigger person

One of those posts where I'd like to hear the sisters side.

It’s not actually for us to judge on the basis of one post whether OP should have her sister in her life. There may be far more to this than is in the OP. OP is allowed to choose who she has in her life and who her kids are around.

If her mum had simply accepted not to have her sister round when her kids were there, then things would have pottered on as normal.

It's Christmas, make up with your sister.

It’s ok to be angry with your sister. That doesn’t mean your children and mum need to cut her off. Just communicate and resolve things.

This. Your sister wasn't particularly nice, but it's you that is prolonging this and trying to control other people's relationships.

You need to stop using your children as a weapon when you fall out with adults.

The Christmas present thing was ridiculous of your sister, but you shouldn't need to be told to remove your loudly sobbing and obviously distraught 9 year old from the funeral.

It’s hard to tell, but your post does make it seem like you’re taking it quite far.

Do your children like their aunt?

She behaved badly, you called her out on it, but now you’re refusing to ever see her again and limiting your parents’ involvement in your children’s life.

It is up to you, of course, but you can’t ask your mother to “pick sides”. You’re the one who doesn’t want to see your sister, so you’re the one who has to opt out.

Yeah also agree that you’re using your children as weapons.

I get on well with all my siblings. But if I disliked one, she was rude to me and wound up my kids, I wouldn’t have my mum dictate how I dealt with it. If she couldn’t respect my choice, that’s her problem.

Her mum shouldn’t be expect to get in the middle of the argument however valid.

no parent should be forced to pick between children

If your children are old enough to have their own phones I don't think it is up to you if they keep in contact with their aunt or not? (With exceptions for abuse which this spat is not).