I don't want my sister to see my children

[Justworldfallacy]

My sister (40, single, no kids) and I (44, married, 2 kids) have never got along. Even as children we fought non stop. When my grandfather passed in 2022, my daughter's (9 and 12 at the time) attended his funeral to say goodbye. My youngest became upset and was crying. My sister turned to me and told me to "get her out of here" for crying too loudly. I was so upset at her behaviour.
Fast forward to Christmas that year. I had been made redundant earlier in the year so Christmas gifts for the family were budget friendly and mostly handmade. I got a message on boxing day from my sister about how terrible her gift was considering how much she'd spent on my girls. She also told me how my daughter had ruined Pa's funeral with her loud sobbing. Her message was highly critical of me. I was devastated and called Mum to talk, who agreed with me that her behaviour was unreasonable. I no longer wanted my children being in contact with my sister until things changed. I explicitly communicated this to my sister and parents.
No one respected that. My sister continued contacting my daughters by phone. Even using her work mobile to evade detection.
My parents ignored my request too. My kids loved staying with them over the holidays and when I called to check in one day, my sister was looking after them whilst they went out.
I expressed my concern with mum who, by now, insisted that I was the problem, not my sister.
I told mum that my kids were no longer going to her house if my sister was there. She said it was her house and she can have who ever she wants there. Fair enough I guess. So I put my foot down and said she can only see her grandkids on neutral ground such as a cafe or shopping centre only.
I see her once every four to five months now.
I hardly hear from my family now. Even my extended family thinks poorly of me. I can only imagine what's been said and what's been twisted and distorted. I got wind of a "horrible" Facebook post that didn't even exist.

As Christmas approaches there is an expectation to be at mums on Christmas Day. I don't want to go. My kids don't want to go. They don't understand why nanny changed and neither do I.

Your sister and mother created this situation.
Your children do not want to go, and neither do you.
Stay home and enjoy the peace.
Your sister sounds unhinged.

Your mother can have her own daughter in the house if she chooses? I think YABU and a loud sobbing child at a funeral would irk me a bit too and I'd probably think a bit attention seeking especially considering she must have barely known your grandfather and you and your sister would have had the longer closer relationship with him

English people are so weird about emotions. Crying loudly and being upset is perfectly appropriate at a funeral - I can't think of a more appropriate place!

Attention seeking? What the actual fuck.

Both you and your sister need to grow up. Stop reverting to children. Which one of you is going to be the adult? Both of you are trying to get people onto your sides.

At my father's funeral, my brother's step daughters (in their teens) were in the row behind us, and loudly sobbed and sniffed, snottily, despite barely knowing him. I just wanted to tell them to leave, as it was all we could hear and we wanted to focus on our respectful and loving goodbye.

Yes, it did ruin the funeral for me, and it felt performative rather than genuine. I've never forgotten it.

In the nine year olds case, I'd have taken her out for her own sake if she was that distressed at her great grandfather's funeral.

Does your sister actually like your children? From the way she behaved at the funeral and afterwards, it sounds like she doesn't. If that's the case, why did she keep trying to contact them?

If your kids don't want to go to your Mum's on Christmas Day, don't go. Does your mum always take your sister's side?

I feel a bit sad for your kids who think that nanny changed. Nanny didn't change, you did! You told her that the children wouldn't be going there anymore, it isn't that nanny doesn't want them there.

I'm assuming there's a huge history with your sister because IMO whilst the funeral comment was unpleasant I think a lot of people would be disturbed by a young child sobbing loudly at a funeral. In fact, I've never come across anyone sobbing loudly at a funeral and would be uncomfortable if I did! Although, I'm willing to accept that could be a me-problem and I wouldn't have complained.

Has your sister ever done anything nasty/dangerous/abusive towards your children to warrant her not being in their lives? Did the children previously have a good relationship with her? I suppose I'm struggling to see why the children have been banned from a relationship with her, which has impacted their relationship with their nanny, because you have a difficult relationship with her.

It would be a shame for the kids to grow up thinking the aunt and nanny turned their backs on them/rejected them, when really it was your decision.

All that said, I wouldn't go over for Christmas until the tensions are settled x

If they didn't know him, it's odd that they'd be there isn't it? However funerals are very odd, some people want to feel sad, some people want to celebrate the life of the person.

So your sister bought your two dc nice gifts and you couldn't stretch to a nice bottle of baileys for £13? Homemade gifts are abit naff when given to adults.

You then try to dictate who your own mother can have in her own home.

Children at funerals aren't always appropriate she might have felt it sad too much she was also grieving at the time.

This is all you withholding grudges and causing issues with the family.

I like you

Would you be devastated if one of your children shouted at one of your grandchildren for crying at a funeral and said that this child has 'ruined' the funeral?

OP wants to keep her children away from her sister, which is her right. How is she supposed to do this if her mum will always invite OP's sister when OP's children are visiting their grandparents?

😂

It was OP's grandfather's funeral, not her father's. OP doesn't mention her dad, so we don't know what the situation is, whether her father is still alive and whether her parents are still together.

People often behave irrationally at funerals - while her comments weren't pleasant they're not really something I would take to heart either.

I think you've taken a couple of childish comments and blown them massively out of proportion and caused a lot of upset. Your poor mum.

What about the message to OP from her sister on Boxing Day telling her that her gift was crap and that her daughter ruined the funeral? That's more than being 'mildly snippy' at a funeral. I also wouldn't call shouting at a crying child being 'mildy snippy'.

If it was just the funeral in isolation you could probably work past that, emotions run high and shit happens. The sister sounds a difficult character and there's obviously a lot of history.

Honestly, I am with @saraclara on this.

A bit of a cry at a funeral is to be expected but if the child was doing what was pretty much a full on hysterical wail then intentionally or otherwise that would have caused a certain amount of disturbance. Very baldly, it meant that the funeral would have become about the OPs DD and not the individual. We generally accept that funerals are a form of closure and way of saying goodbye. At my dad’s funeral a few minor things didn’t go to plan and I did find I dwelled on them a bit and felt like I hadn’t done right by him. I can completely see how something like this would play on your mind a fair bit.

I know some posters have taken the line of ‘a child at a funeral crying - how remarkable ’ sort of view but it isn’t that. There is a level of appropriateness in how we display grief and I know some posters will jump on that but there is. I had the awful experience of having to attend a child’s funeral not so long ago and it was upsetting but screaming and crying and wailing would NOT have been appropriate in front of the poor parents and siblings! And children DO need to learn this, harsh as it is.

To be honest and I’m not being mean here, intentionally anyway, the whole family sound dramatic AF.

I think in times of grief, things are said and taken to far. Could you not go and see if things can be repaired?

How would you react, if when older, your DC's fell out and one said you weren't getting to see your GC if you had your other DC around?
This is what you are doing to your DM and it's making you seen the unreasonable one

My kids loved staying with them over the holidays and when I called to check in one day, my sister was looking after them whilst they went out

I don't want to go. My kids don't want to go. They don't understand why nanny changed and neither do I
Nanny hasn't changed, and it sounds like everything was fine until your grudge went into overdrive.
I mean, Nanny was fine when you were phoning her slagging off your sister but she's not playing that game anymore so suddenly 'she's changed' and you've dragged the kids into it. Using them as a weapon is just shit.

You don't have to go to your mums so don't. No need for further drama

”My kids don't want to go.”

You’ve no idea why they don’t want to go that’s simply speculation. They said said they don’t so they don’t.

I didn’t want to go to see my grandmother at Christmas as she was a tedious old boot who just talked about herself. GM’s are overrated.

Right. And someone who is like that is not going to be sweetness and light for the rest of the time. She may always have been an arsehole.

Nanny hasn't changed though has she? You've told her your children can't visit her anymore.
I have 2 brothers and honestly 1 can be tricky but my mum will always say she's not getting involved in petty stuff as we are all equally her children and I totally respect that. He's not abusive though, just a bicker here or there which is exactly what it sounds like between you and your sister. Why are you punishing your children because you don't get on with your sister? People clash. She is their auntie though and it sounds like they get along. It's all just very selfish. Also who are we to judge? 9 is young for a funeral, I went to my granddad's at 11 due to no childcare for me and I feel like I was border line too young. Your child may have been fine of course but it is young and perhaps they didn't feel it was the right place for her.

I think you need to apologise to your mum and stop using your children as bribery tools.