I don't want my sister to see my children

[Justworldfallacy]

My sister (40, single, no kids) and I (44, married, 2 kids) have never got along. Even as children we fought non stop. When my grandfather passed in 2022, my daughter's (9 and 12 at the time) attended his funeral to say goodbye. My youngest became upset and was crying. My sister turned to me and told me to "get her out of here" for crying too loudly. I was so upset at her behaviour.
Fast forward to Christmas that year. I had been made redundant earlier in the year so Christmas gifts for the family were budget friendly and mostly handmade. I got a message on boxing day from my sister about how terrible her gift was considering how much she'd spent on my girls. She also told me how my daughter had ruined Pa's funeral with her loud sobbing. Her message was highly critical of me. I was devastated and called Mum to talk, who agreed with me that her behaviour was unreasonable. I no longer wanted my children being in contact with my sister until things changed. I explicitly communicated this to my sister and parents.
No one respected that. My sister continued contacting my daughters by phone. Even using her work mobile to evade detection.
My parents ignored my request too. My kids loved staying with them over the holidays and when I called to check in one day, my sister was looking after them whilst they went out.
I expressed my concern with mum who, by now, insisted that I was the problem, not my sister.
I told mum that my kids were no longer going to her house if my sister was there. She said it was her house and she can have who ever she wants there. Fair enough I guess. So I put my foot down and said she can only see her grandkids on neutral ground such as a cafe or shopping centre only.
I see her once every four to five months now.
I hardly hear from my family now. Even my extended family thinks poorly of me. I can only imagine what's been said and what's been twisted and distorted. I got wind of a "horrible" Facebook post that didn't even exist.

As Christmas approaches there is an expectation to be at mums on Christmas Day. I don't want to go. My kids don't want to go. They don't understand why nanny changed and neither do I.

Life is short and there is no need to spend time with someone who makes you uncomfortable. If someone complained about my gifts or my kid crying, I wouldn't waste time on them.

As far as your kids go, they should have a say in who they spend time with. But equally, you shouldn't be expected to give someone access to your children if they will then use it as an opportunity to criticise you further.

Your mum knows where you live. Presumably she can visit your daughters if she wants to see them.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say I don’t blame you for restricting contact. It sounds like it’s a lifetime of your sister being a bit of an arsehole and your mum not doing much to put a stop to it. It’s not just a couple of instances of rudeness. Why do you have to keep accepting her behaviour? At what point is it enough? You haven’t told your mum that she can’t have certain people in her home and you haven’t told her that she can’t see your DDs, so if she isn’t willing to abide by your wishes, then that’s on her.

And people can have as many expectations as they like, but if you don’t want to go to your mum’s at Christmas and your DC don’t want to go, then you don’t have to go. What’s the best possible outcome? Will everyone behave and bite their tongues? Or will your sister see it as her opportunity to tell you what she thinks about you? Christmas Day is not a day to have screaming rows with your family; I think you’d be mad to go.

She’s not in the middle of an argument and she’s not forced to pick a side. All she had to do was respect OP’s wishes and could have stayed friends with both her daughters.

But to do that she had to tell her daughter she couldn’t visit. That is putting her in the middle of it.

Agree. She can have a nice Christmas with her husband and kids.

Where does the OP say that she’s asked her mum to pick between them? She’s said that she doesn’t want her DDs seeing the sister, she hasn’t told her mum to stop seeing her. It would be perfectly simple for her mum to see them separately. The mum has chosen not to.

In the middle of what? All she has to say is “justworld has requested you’re not here when I see the kids, so I will see you on Friday instead”.

Exactly.

Why should she though? Even that is taking sides. She shouldn’t be expected to tell her child she can’t visit because of a petty argument.

if she starts telling one child they can’t visit then that is taking sides

I’d love to hear your sister and mother’s take on all of this.

The OP fully accepts that her mum can have who she likes in her house, that’s why she suggested neutral ground. It’s the mum who has chosen not to take the offer up.

They are both under 12 so I wouldn't consider this to be an age to "make their own decisions" who to see. It absolutely IS up to the parents who their children should be in contact with.

No it’s not. The OP doesn’t want to go to her mum’s on Christmas Day, so she’s not asking anyone to make a choice. She’s making her own choice, and she has every right to choose not to spend the day with someone who is an arsehole to her, even if they are related.

If my grandchildren couldn't visit my house because one of my DDs had fallen out with the other, I'd be devastated. And expecting me to tell the other daughter that she's not allowed to visit me because my grandchildren are visiting is absolutely sticking me in the middle of the fall out.

I don't understand how some posters can't see that.

I think it's hugely disrespectful for your sister to be trouncing boundaries like this and I would temporarily pull right back

I completely disagree and think you are right they are both disrespecting your wishes just go low low contact if not no contact and get on with your lives. A couple of times my sisters have stepped over the boundaries I set, I told them no and they struggled to accept that and got angry at me for being upset with their unacceptable behaviour. Both myself and my daughter keep them at arms length now and work hard to be neutral with them when we do see them. We frequently bite our tongues. We know they often mean well, I have allowed them a close relationship with her, and its been hard to be protective of her with how close to the line they sail sometimes but I have taught her how to manage it for herself and we talk about incidents (e.g. she is 19 and when around 17 they would still have a go at her about her choices on things and feel entitled to have a go as well, I am much more laid back, it doesnt help they both teach and imagine all the sins of the kids in school apply to my daughter as well)

We were close as kids - 1 more than the other to be honest but a few things happened and I didn't push any relationship with either of them until my parents were ill and we had to sort a care rota and deal with all the strains of that. They still had some really unreasonable expectations and were very opinionated about it but I had to learn that I could only do what I could do and it was only their opinion didn't mean it was the truth. I don't think it helps that there is undiagnosed and unrecognised neurodiversity thrown in the mix. Try not to get bog downed in the gossip side of it.

I no longer wanted my children being in contact with my sister until things changed

So what change were you looking for? Do you mean some kind of apology?

Obviously as with all posts on Mumsnet we only get one side, but I wonder if your sister feels she’s generally overlooked and hard done by as a child free woman within your family and is taking it out on you?

It may sound mean spirited but I chose to scale back on presents for my childhood friends kids, as I was never getting anything back while spending hundreds on birthday and /or Christmas presents every year on them . I wouldn’t even get a card for my birthday from my friend and often she’d forget to text! At first I didn’t mind, but after a decade or so of it I didn’t feel it was fair or that I was valued.

Re. The children it sounds as if they wanted to have a relationship with your sister if she was contacting them through their phone or surely they’d just have blocked her? It seems a bit extreme to go no contact with her and drag your kids into it too after she’s probably spent years cultivating a good relationship with them. And yeah she may not always be perfect and say the best things but she seems to be trying to be in your kids lives. I agree with pp about being careful not to use the kids as a weapon.

I used to babysit a friends kid multiple times a month overnight to give her a break as a young single parent. We had a petty disagreement because she wanted me to take sides in a feud she was having with a mutual friend and I chose not to - she cut me out her child’s life. A year or so later she tried to get me back into her and her child’s lofe but I was done! She was happy to receive all the free childcare, presents, day trips etc I gave for her child but I was clearly seen as being the easily disposable Aunty!

We are from the same town so I’m civil to her, but I keep a distance from her and sadly her kid too. That door is now closed and I chose not to get to know her other kids that came along later.

I know that bothers her, but I had to protect my own feelings too knowing that she could and would just cut me off on a whim, it was better for me to keep my distance.

You may well be done with your sister but I’d think hard about ending the relationship between them and their Aunty!

@saraclara to a degree. The other child should respect I want to see my gc but they have trashed the relationship with thier mum so why shoud that child put my relationship with my other daughter and gc at risk? Just don't come when they are there.
Other sister sounds like a dominant bully to me

And then the sister says...?

Simply by saying that, OP's mother has given the sister the impression that she is on OP's side. Or at the very least, that she places OP above her other daughter.

It's an awful situation to put the mum in over a mild spat at an emotional time.

Sounds like you love a drama. Don't know how people live like this!

The children don't want to see her and neither do you so you just adjust to seeing nan separately, invite her and her partner or her alone to an evening at yours if you want but I'd keep Christmas day as you and your own to enjoy.