I don't want my sister to see my children

[Justworldfallacy]

My sister (40, single, no kids) and I (44, married, 2 kids) have never got along. Even as children we fought non stop. When my grandfather passed in 2022, my daughter's (9 and 12 at the time) attended his funeral to say goodbye. My youngest became upset and was crying. My sister turned to me and told me to "get her out of here" for crying too loudly. I was so upset at her behaviour.
Fast forward to Christmas that year. I had been made redundant earlier in the year so Christmas gifts for the family were budget friendly and mostly handmade. I got a message on boxing day from my sister about how terrible her gift was considering how much she'd spent on my girls. She also told me how my daughter had ruined Pa's funeral with her loud sobbing. Her message was highly critical of me. I was devastated and called Mum to talk, who agreed with me that her behaviour was unreasonable. I no longer wanted my children being in contact with my sister until things changed. I explicitly communicated this to my sister and parents.
No one respected that. My sister continued contacting my daughters by phone. Even using her work mobile to evade detection.
My parents ignored my request too. My kids loved staying with them over the holidays and when I called to check in one day, my sister was looking after them whilst they went out.
I expressed my concern with mum who, by now, insisted that I was the problem, not my sister.
I told mum that my kids were no longer going to her house if my sister was there. She said it was her house and she can have who ever she wants there. Fair enough I guess. So I put my foot down and said she can only see her grandkids on neutral ground such as a cafe or shopping centre only.
I see her once every four to five months now.
I hardly hear from my family now. Even my extended family thinks poorly of me. I can only imagine what's been said and what's been twisted and distorted. I got wind of a "horrible" Facebook post that didn't even exist.

As Christmas approaches there is an expectation to be at mums on Christmas Day. I don't want to go. My kids don't want to go. They don't understand why nanny changed and neither do I.

What about the message to OP from her sister on Boxing Day telling her that her gift was crap and that her daughter ruined the funeral?

I mean, yes, it's not nice but OP is now in a situation where she's not seeing her mum and her kids aren't seeing their grandma. I'm not sure I'd pick this particular hill to die on, in all honesty.

Lots of siblings don't get along but there's no need to let it ruin your relationship with the rest of the family.

This is a really tricky one.
You should have taken your daughter out of the church at the funeral. That's good etiquette and would have been difficult for all those trying to grieve more quietly/hold things together. That said, as a mother, you will instinctively protect your children from criticism. You were both in the wrong here.

Your sister most probably interpreted the homemade gift as a deliberate insult. Did you explain in advance that you were really skint and suggested that she didn't reciprocate with expensive gifts that year? If so, then she was rude and highly unreasonable.

I don't think that you should necessarily ban her from seeing your children, but understand how underhand it must feel for her to be sneakily calling your kids and for your parents to leave her baby sitting your children.

The thing that concerns me most here is your children stuck in the middle and what it teaches them about family dynamics. You say that they don't understand why their Nana treats them differently. That one's on you, i'm afraid. You have created this situation whereby it's less easy for your parents to see them. I'm presuming that you haven't explained to your kids your part in this and how it's no reflection on them?

I don't blame you for not particularly wanting to be around your sister, but it must also be hard on your parents stuck in the middle. Can you imagine if the situation were reversed and your children hated to be around each other when they were older. I'm sure that you would find it very difficult too.

I think that the best way to deal with this is to focus on your and your children's relationship with your parents. Maybe go over and visit with them as a family when you know your sister isn't there. Could you arrange to do something with your parents over the Christmas period? Could you arrange to meet with your sister alone at some point in the future without the kids around to thrash things out? I think the big problem here was expecting your parents to take sides or help resolve things between the pair of you. As adults you should have tried to resolve things between yourselves.

YANBU and you've given more grace to your family than I would.

A loudly sobbing distraught 9 year old child, needs to be taken outside and comforted.

It sounds as though the whole situation was quite traumatising for them, and something that if you're not careful can affect them for the rest of their life if they're just made to sit there and 'get on with it'.

If you can't imagine why a child showing this level of distress, might be different to 'people crying at funerals', then it's not me who's the 'goon' 🤦‍♀️

Since then it's turned out that they love a funeral. They're adults now, with partners and kids. My mum's funeral was a year ago. They hadn't seen her for over a decade, and never liked her. Yet a dozen of them turned up to her funeral like she was their favourite relative (and ate all the food at the small wake, leaving barely anything for those who'd travelled a long way to pay their respects).

So yep, it only confirmed my feeling that their previous sobbing was performative.

Obviously OP 's 9 year old isn't them. My pp was simply saying how loud sobbing can be distracting to other mourners.

Oh, how I hate the word boundaries! It's mostly used as an excuse for selfish behaviour.

That. It's turned from something healthy, to an excuse for selfish and unkind behaviour. Calling a punishment a boundary, doesn't make it reasonable.

Honestly am I the only one who doesn't much wrong with asking you to take your daughter out if her crying was loud enough to disrupt the service?

Massive overreaction here which I think you will regret in the future.

Christmas gifts for the family were budget friendly and mostly handmade. I got a message on boxing day from my sister about how terrible her gift was considering how much she'd spent on my girls.

I mean, what are we talking here? You made her some jam and she spent £100 on your kids? I'd be irked too...not because the children didn't deserve it, but if you'd spent all your money on them, and allowed me to spend £100 on them, plus more on you/your DH, without the courtesy of being told you weren't in the position to buy gifts this year, knowing I was going to do all that, then I'd feel put out. I don't give to receive, at all. But if you knew the gift dynamic was going to drastically change (in your favour) then she should have had a heads up at least, to decide if she wanted to spend all that money on your family. Especially when you don't get on anyway.

She also told me how my daughter had ruined Pa's funeral with her loud sobbing.

Well...does she have a point? Did you just stand there while your DD wailed and wailed, and you needed to be told that she needed to be taken off to be comforted? Emotions run high at funerals. If I couldn't hear someone giving a reading about my father because someone else was letting their child loudly sob and sob whilst just standing there, I'd likely tell them they needed to take their child out too. And be quite mad that the send off to my father was tainted by someone not parenting their child.

Her message was highly critical of me.

Context is everything. I might have the two narratives above completely wrong but I also might have them spot on. Without knowing the context she's either an arse, or completely justified to be critical of your behaviour.

Has OP gone nc with MN as well due to posters disagreeing with her take on things? I understand the OP. Her sister is a rude PITA and she doesn't want to have her children around her. Mum knowing this left the children with the sister. OP is concerned about sis behaviour when around the children. Rightly so I'd say. So why isn't GM coming to OP's to see the children ? Let's say OP overreacted. Even so I wouldn't miss out on seeing my grandchildren. So it seems mum only wants to see them in her house so she isn't so bothered after all. I would just leave things the way they are..

Only the British could complain about crying at funerals.

The point is the child needed to be removed from a distressing situation that at 9 years old, she clearly couldn't handle.

It sounds like your xenophobia has eaten through your brain, making you incapable of rational thought.

It’s not going to be less distressing outside the church.

I’m British btw, so your own xenophobia is tickling.

Of course it's going to be less distressing, what's wrong with you?

The child would've been removed from the immediate situation and would be able to be comforted on a one to one basis.

Saying 'I'm British so I can't be xenophobic', is like saying 'I have black friends so I can't be racist'.

Ridiculous but unsurprising.

Her grandmother is less dead outside is she?

No a is not like saying b, as b is predicated on not being black.

with you on this one OP. your mother should have respected your wishes.

Guess what. You never have to speak to your sister ever again if you don’t want to. Family doesn’t mean anything in this light. Block her and never speak to her ever again. Life is short and then you die. Don’t waste it with another second of thought on an asshole.

You sound as bad as each other tbh and suggestions on here to block/go no contact with entire family are not helpful.

Let's look at the examples you gave: Your sister telling you to remove your DD in the middle of a funeral. Obviously you ignore. If it's raised again afterwards you say "don't tell me what to do" if you're feeling mild or "fuck off" if you're not.

Same with the Xmas present rant. Just laugh in her face or say "wow, what an ungrateful person you are".

Trying to get your whole family to take sides and involving your DCs in your personal vendetta is never going to work.