I don't want my sister to see my children

[Justworldfallacy]

My sister (40, single, no kids) and I (44, married, 2 kids) have never got along. Even as children we fought non stop. When my grandfather passed in 2022, my daughter's (9 and 12 at the time) attended his funeral to say goodbye. My youngest became upset and was crying. My sister turned to me and told me to "get her out of here" for crying too loudly. I was so upset at her behaviour.
Fast forward to Christmas that year. I had been made redundant earlier in the year so Christmas gifts for the family were budget friendly and mostly handmade. I got a message on boxing day from my sister about how terrible her gift was considering how much she'd spent on my girls. She also told me how my daughter had ruined Pa's funeral with her loud sobbing. Her message was highly critical of me. I was devastated and called Mum to talk, who agreed with me that her behaviour was unreasonable. I no longer wanted my children being in contact with my sister until things changed. I explicitly communicated this to my sister and parents.
No one respected that. My sister continued contacting my daughters by phone. Even using her work mobile to evade detection.
My parents ignored my request too. My kids loved staying with them over the holidays and when I called to check in one day, my sister was looking after them whilst they went out.
I expressed my concern with mum who, by now, insisted that I was the problem, not my sister.
I told mum that my kids were no longer going to her house if my sister was there. She said it was her house and she can have who ever she wants there. Fair enough I guess. So I put my foot down and said she can only see her grandkids on neutral ground such as a cafe or shopping centre only.
I see her once every four to five months now.
I hardly hear from my family now. Even my extended family thinks poorly of me. I can only imagine what's been said and what's been twisted and distorted. I got wind of a "horrible" Facebook post that didn't even exist.

As Christmas approaches there is an expectation to be at mums on Christmas Day. I don't want to go. My kids don't want to go. They don't understand why nanny changed and neither do I.

Nice and simple - send a card to your parents saying "we all hope you have a lovely Christmas and perhaps we can see you some time in the new year." And that's it.

So your sister had a good relationship with your children despite the funeral issue and you've spoiled that because you don't have a good relationship with her? Jealous much?

Hey I don’t think it’s unreasonable. I get it. My sister ignores my kids when she sees them. And she acts like a complete narcissist. I don’t allow my kids to go to their grandmas (things to do with her but also I don’t want them being with my sister). Mainly because I find she upsets my kids by ignoring them. You are totally right to do what you feel is right for you. Maybe just say you need some space. Write down what your boundaries would look like for the future and if you still agree with them in the new year send them over.

This whole thing sounds like an absolute shit show. Op they all definitely disrespected your boundaries so I don’t think you are being unreasonable
The funeral comment is had to judge on as no one was there, but the present msg is ridiculously rude and I can understand why you are done with her. She sounds like a manipulative bully.

Have Christmas with your family at home,
But maybe have a conversation with your Mother again and spend time with her on Boxing Day. She’s always going to be in the middle of this.

We don’t know enough to judge whether it’s a pain in the arse. We don’t know the distances between their homes, or whether she ever goes to a cafe or shopping centre, or whether she could ever travel to the OP’s house.

And even if it were, is the OP not supposed to draw boundaries because it might be inconvenient? Aren’t we constantly telling women that we don’t have to tolerate other people’s bad behaviour? That we’re not door mats and we don’t have to shut up and take crap? That being a people pleaser is unhealthy?

Oh, how I hate the word boundaries! It's mostly used as an excuse for selfish behaviour. Along with "comfortable" and "uncomfortable." Everyone has to be comfortable these days, God forbid anyone is uncomfortable, and in my day, boundaries were something that divided land.

My parents are dead, but if I'd tried to have a talk about boundaries with them, they'd have laughed me out of the room. And quite right too. It used to be called simply "sticking up for yourself." People have always told others when something is unacceptable and stayed away if they weren't listened to. Also known as having a word. "Boundaries" sounds so prissy and clinical. I hate the way psychology-speak has pervaded everyday speech.

It's late and obviously I'm tired!

Agree. Op I sympathise completely but feel your actions are drastic.

Ooooh, I hate "people-pleaser" too. Used to be known as good manners and accepting that you're part of a community, not an island. It's another phrase that gives permission for people to be selfish gits.

I am really going to bed now!

Your sister doesn’t speak respectfully or with sensitivity to you or your children, so you are understandably not interested in being on the receiving end of more of the same, and your mum should understand that as it’s not a new thing after all.

I’m not sure what’s for the best in this situation since only you know what you’re in store for if you do go ?

if you do want to meet for Christmas can you keep if for a shorter timeframe and do a shared activity such as a board game or movie session at home that you will all enjoy, ( if others can keep their rude comments and opinions to themselves) Can you arrange something else to go to, and explain that you have planned something afterwards to take the children?
If it goes well, you could do similar shorter catch ups occasionally ?

I agree, she’s set boundaries and had them broken.

No. The grandmother should be able to go about her life as normal of she's not talking sides. If her other DD would normally be free to come to the house when the children are there, it's not up to the grandmother to be the one to refuse her entrance.

And if the normal happy relationship that the children had with their grandma involved visiting her house or having sleepovers, they should still be able to do so. Their aunt hasn't done anything so egregious that she's not fit to be around them.

Being mildly snippy at a funeral when emotions are high, is not a safeguarding issue, and OP hasn't indicated that her DDs disliked their auntie until she encouraged them to

OP, life is short and you might well live to regret all this.

It isn't a jealousy issue to decide your own children aren't best served by seeing a sister who was rude to your children at a funeral

Don’t go. Stay at home and start your own traditions

But they weren't reasonable boundaries. No-one has the be abrupt unreasonable boundaries. But OP has used her children as ammunition and left her mum with little choice. That's just manipulative.

She wasn't. She was rude to OP at the funeral.

It's nothing worth blowing a family apart for.

Nanny changed because you're acting nuts.

Get down off your high horse.

I don't think so. OP has been upset by sister's conduct and doesn't want her children in that scenario including with the grandparents. Parents are entitled, actually have a duty, to control who their children see.

I didn't think you were being particularly unreasonable until the part where you stopped your parents from seeing your daughters at their home because your sister was there. That's a huge overreaction, very unfair on your parents, certainly not in the best interests of your children and I'm not surprised you've been harshly judged for it

@Lincoln24 RTFT - sister was looking after the children whilst grandparents were out, not just there. How would you feel if someone you had trusted to care for you children had completely ignored your wishes and not only left them with someone else, but a person you had specifically said you did not want to be around them?

I can understand your upset as your sister sounds awful to you but it feels like you're cutting off your nose to spite your face a bit.

Why can your mum only see GC on neutral ground? What's wrong with your house? Or her house when you are present?

Your DC don't need to stay with them so it's no longer an issue that they might see your sister behind your back.

What do your DC want?

It’s not rejection, it’s simply a question of logistics. OP is not saying she can’t have her other DD in her home, that is ridiculous. She’s merely asking that her children are seen without sister.

DM could have sister over 6/7 days in a week if she liked.

If a child of mine asked to see me without another one present I would respect that. I know families where a couple of siblings don’t get on - they’re just seen separately.

You have zero idea what else has gone on, it’s unlikely they were the best of friends but for that,

As far as I understood it, the sister wasn't happy with the child's grief response at the funeral. Hence, that's a reaction to the child's behaviour

So if you set a boundary and other people ignored it as they thought it was unreasonable you’d think that was fair enough?

Quite.