I don't want my sister to see my children

[Justworldfallacy]

My sister (40, single, no kids) and I (44, married, 2 kids) have never got along. Even as children we fought non stop. When my grandfather passed in 2022, my daughter's (9 and 12 at the time) attended his funeral to say goodbye. My youngest became upset and was crying. My sister turned to me and told me to "get her out of here" for crying too loudly. I was so upset at her behaviour.
Fast forward to Christmas that year. I had been made redundant earlier in the year so Christmas gifts for the family were budget friendly and mostly handmade. I got a message on boxing day from my sister about how terrible her gift was considering how much she'd spent on my girls. She also told me how my daughter had ruined Pa's funeral with her loud sobbing. Her message was highly critical of me. I was devastated and called Mum to talk, who agreed with me that her behaviour was unreasonable. I no longer wanted my children being in contact with my sister until things changed. I explicitly communicated this to my sister and parents.
No one respected that. My sister continued contacting my daughters by phone. Even using her work mobile to evade detection.
My parents ignored my request too. My kids loved staying with them over the holidays and when I called to check in one day, my sister was looking after them whilst they went out.
I expressed my concern with mum who, by now, insisted that I was the problem, not my sister.
I told mum that my kids were no longer going to her house if my sister was there. She said it was her house and she can have who ever she wants there. Fair enough I guess. So I put my foot down and said she can only see her grandkids on neutral ground such as a cafe or shopping centre only.
I see her once every four to five months now.
I hardly hear from my family now. Even my extended family thinks poorly of me. I can only imagine what's been said and what's been twisted and distorted. I got wind of a "horrible" Facebook post that didn't even exist.

As Christmas approaches there is an expectation to be at mums on Christmas Day. I don't want to go. My kids don't want to go. They don't understand why nanny changed and neither do I.

The only reason that the children don't want to see their grandma, is that OP had created a situation where the grandma cannot continue the relationship that she used to have with them, and OP hasn't been honest with the DD's and explained that it's down to her, not their grandma.

My mum (74) and her sister (76) never got on and haven’t spoken to each other for most of my life. It’s a massive pain to deal with, especially as a weaponised child, and it ruined both of their relationships with their parents. Whatever you decide, try not to involve your kids too much in it. I’ve ended up not really knowing my remaining family as a result, and the handful of times I have met them it’s like a weirdly tense gathering of strangers. Obviously it’s up to you who you want in your life, but it will impact your children a lot.

@Justworldfallacy

Don't go op. It's sad but d just don't worry about it and plan a wonderful Xmas with your family as is.

Your sister sounds like a nightmare but you are going too far dragging your mum into it. You need to live with less contact/ be superficial but don’t cut your girls off from everyone. People behave strangely around funerals so let that go.

I think you have over reacted. But Xmas day is easy, just say you are having Xmas in your own this year?

I don’t understand why some posters seem to think that the OP is demanding her mother cut ties with the OP’s sister. The OP doesn’t expect her mum to tell the OP’s sister that she’s not allowed to visit her. That’s why the OP suggested a neutral ground. It’s all right there, in her post. The mum told the OP that she could have who she liked in her own house and the OP acknowledged that that was fair enough, and gave her another option for seeing the grandchildren, while still maintaining her own boundaries.

There is a happy medium where the mum could see her grandchildren, she could see the OP’s sister, the OP and her sister don’t have to see each other and everyone is happy.

Or mum/nan is expecting/hoping this have blown over by or for Christmas?

The problem op is that it sounds like your mum probably relies emotionally on your sister now your dad has passed and if she lives there with her it's even less acceptable to expect your sister to leave the house for a visit there.
You can only invite your mum over to yours or out if you want to keep your sister away, perhaps change their phones if want to as well but you can't make your mum cut your sister, her daughter off.

That's not how it works.

Whilst your sister doesn't sound like the nicest of people, I'd cut her some slack for things said at the funeral and regarding this whole subject because she was grieving the loss of your father too. Whilst children are most certainly entitled to cry too, I can see this might not be deemed appropriate by some if disturbing others. Not sure how many months later the comment about it was but people cope in different ways, I'm not saying she's right but I can understand her point of view.

As for the gifts, a heads up in advance that you couldn't afford more than gifts might have been better, give them the option to roll back theirs if they wished to.

I think sometimes you do need to draw a line under things rather holding grudges

Which is not something that the OP suggests she’s ever asked her mum to do.

Op said her children don't want to see their aunt either so it's not just the op that has made this choice unilaterally.

Invite your mother for Boxing Day and have Christmas at home without your horrid sister. What a rude and unpleasant woman she is.

Your sister and your parents have disrespected your boundaries. Some may feel fhey are unfair but they are your children. Your sister contacting your daughters on her work phone behind your back is manipulative. Your parents leaving your daughters with your sister while they were out is sneaky.
Has your sister always been the favourite?

My mother stopped me seeing my Nan when I was small.
My Nan was my world.
I used to call her in secret from the phone box every day on the way home from school (reverse charge) and eventually went to live with my Nan by the age of ten.
I know this is an extreme case, but I just remember great sadness at not being allowed to see my Nan (over petty arguments) and it makes me sad that another child might feel that way too.

Because she’s been asked to by her daughter and she should respect her boundaries. It’s not taking sides no matter how much you want to believe it is.

I don't agree. Children are for parents to bring up in the way they see fit. Unless the parents are abusive/neglectful, which I am not getting the OP is.

The children are now 11/12-14/15 and their nanny invites their aunt that they do not like over so I doubt they'll be running off to live with her at all.

Your sister was snappy and rude at the funeral. People sometimes do behave obtuseness around funerals, but never should a child be humiliated or scolded like that. And her attitude towards the Christmas gifts was spiteful.

Life is long, and you are kind of painting yourself into a corner with your parents. Spend Christmas at home by all means but take this as a temporary flux in the relationship, and don’t cut off your parents. I completely get the reaction to protect your children (your sister minding them unbeknownst to you would have seriously rattled me.) But don’t be the one to go nuclear. Give it time.

Then the sister says: “ok I’ll see you Friday”.

DM is neutral and is not on anyone’s side. OP has requested she doesn’t have DS over on the occasions she has the kids, so she sees DS at another time.

DSis is free on that day and wants to see her mum. Mum says she can't because OP says so.

That's rejection, and it's going to hurt.

If one of my daughters said that I couldn't have the other one visit in my own home I'd not be impressed. And I certainly wouldn't want to be put in the position of telling the other daughter that.

That's not a happy medium, it's a regime which involves travel, expense, a venue etc. It's a pain in the arse.

But if her mum had done as asked, then she's being complicit in keeping the aunt and her nieces/nephews apart, and her mum might not have wanted to take part in that.

No, she says she can’t because she’s going to see the OP, but she can see her when she gets back, or on another day. Not taking sides means making the effort to see both daughters. If the sister feels hurt that the mum isn’t free to come running everytime she clicks her fingers, then that’s a whole other can of worms.