Need a hand hold -Part 3

[Imbluedalale]

Hi spoonies , welcome to new thread , thank you so so much for supporting me .

Hello beautiful people.

I saw Wicked today. Oh my goodness I absolutely loved it. Have you got a cinema near you @Imbluedalale? Could to see it before Monday? I think you’d love it.

I hope everyone’s teeth/hair/sons and their girlfriends/migraines are all good.

I’ll do a proper catchup with everyone’s news tomorrow. Early start tomorrow. Two days off the antibiotics and I think the uti is coming back. Will take a wee sample into docs tomorrow. Luckily my surgery is amazing.

Hi guys,
Im writing on here because I can’t sleep my mind is all jumbled with too many thoughts. First of all I would like to apologise for bringing negativity to this thread after such positivity. After a lovely afternoon spent with my mum and dad and a lovely evening of relaxing watching bridgerton I had something happen this evening which has really upset me . I have been speaking to my youngest via text and I asked him when he was coming back and he said ‘sometime next week’ so I asked him if he would be coming to stay here then and start doing the 50/50 properly and he was really evasive and said ‘maybe’ ‘I don’t know’ and ‘Im not sure’. I’m not proud to admit it but I got really angry and told him I haven't seen him in over 10 weeks and that I’m his mum and that we used to be so close and that I miss him and he should want to see me. After a-bit of arguing he told me the following :

He’s really behind on his school work (he should have been doing it there but he’s been too tired with not getting back to apartment till gone 11.

He’s stressed about school as his dad has told him that he will lose most of his friends from school and the village as they won’t want a part time mate if he comes here every other week.

His dad has also told him that he’ll have to give up playing football as he won’t be able to go training or go to the matches as I don’t drive and he told son that none of the mums or dads will take him because of what I’ve done . I then asked him ‘what have I done’ but he wouldn’t say

His grandma (ex’s mum) has been telling him how much she’ll miss him and how sad she will be and that she will cry every day so he feels really guilty if he leaves her

And he’s also been telling youngest that I’m too poorly to look after him which I’m not at all .

Im so friggin done with his bullshit I feel so angry and I feel like ringing him and asking him what he’s playing at. I don’t know what to do, as awful as this sounds but I just feel like giving up trying to see him because it just hurts too much. This is how ex knows he can hurt me.

I’ve noticed a massive change in my youngest since he’s been away and it really hurts. I just can’t keep going through all the obstacles ex keeps throwing at me . Im tired .

Anyway im sorry for the rant I just needed to get it off my chest because it’s keeping me awake.

Night all xx

Good morning Spoonies x
@Imbluedalale I'm devastated to hear what has been going on with your youngest. So angry. I know other spoons can advise better as I've never been in that situation.
So he's away from exs mum now....clearly she is coping. He is missing weeks of football but it doesn't seem to matter. But if he stays the odd night with you the world will fall down! Yeah right. All you can do is counter back with the arrangements you have put in place and stick to facts. I hate kids being used as pawns.
You know to ask if there's anything I can do to help xx

Morning @nornironlady , how are you today?
I know I’m absolutely gutted it’s just one thing after another. I can’t believe the lengths he’s going to to try and keep my youngest away from his own mum. He hasn’t even got youngest to do his homework whilst he’s been there, I’m livid.
I honestly don’t know what to do because I don’t want to put pressure on youngest but I also want to see him. He’s also told youngest he won’t be able to get to mine because he won’t take him and I can’t drive for 12 months . He’s an absolute wanker for doing this xx

Morning. Please don’t apologise and say you’re bringing negativity. All of us know that life isn’t all unicorns and fairy dust.

I wonder if it’s time to get the ball rolling with a legal arrangement about your son.

PS he is a wanker. He’s clinging on to controlling you. Kids grow up. This will be ok in the end. Couldn’t his sister bring him on the bus?

Morning @Apolloneuro , how are you today? I’m so glad you went to see wicked and enjoyed it. Is that the one with Ariana Grande in?
I have thought about getting legal advice but won’t they respect my son’s wishes? He sounds like he wants to stay there as ex has got it into his head he’ll lose his friends and football and he also doesn’t want to upset his grandma who by the way I’m livid with . What 76 year old woman tells their own grandson that they will be very sad and upset if he goes and stays with his mum? Also he’s behind on his schoolwork which he’s worried about because knob stain took him to Liverpool. My worst fear is ex taking him out of school I definitely.
Anyway the anger has entered the building today and I’m currently on hold to 101 to report a few crimes. Ex is trying to shaft me so it’s about time I fought back xx

You’re right he is a wanker , I honestly don’t know what I ever saw in him. His sister won’t fetch him none of them want me seeing him . He texted me last night saying ‘I love you so much mam and I’ll never forget you’ it broke my heart because I know he doesn’t want this but like ex has done with me he’s putting obstacles in the way xx

@Imbluedalale I'm with @Apolloneuro this will work itself out but it's the obstacles you may need to jump through that will be hard part.
I would hope when the time comes maybe your parents would help with the odd pick up to enable you to have your son. You have school transport sorted so that's not an issue. I'd be more concerned that he can keep him out of school and that's just fine and your wishes don't matter? Can any of you teachers shed any light here? Can Laura do anything to legally lodge her dispute at son being out of school.
Sadly your ex has no idea how the power or strength of a Mothers love.
I'd be really breezy with your youngest. No pressure, door is always open etc. If he brings up an obstacle then keep providing solutions. A very desperate measure by your ex as he knows the little one can be manipulated. It won't be forever. We are all here xx

I've followed your threads, but don't think I've posted before, just your post about your youngest is enraging and it's so awful for you and him. What a knob (polite version) your ex is and his family unbelievable.
Don't give up - your boy needs you and loves you just struggling with stuff he shouldn't be made to be involved in. Just perhaps you're going to have to do this slower than expected to get him comfortable. Show him bit by bit it's all going to work out by having him days, weekends and extending it slowly - for your boy's sake certainly not your ex's btw.
I'm thinking a couple of things - would your parents/sister be able to assist with football drop offs? The stuff re other parents is ridiculous and I think they would help in long run - though maybe your ex could make them awkward about it so not sure. The friends thing is ridiculous too - many kids have time with a parent a bit away from their school local area - nowadays many friendships are online out of school - playing games with them etc - and kids aren't that interested whether their mate isn't around that day or why, but just accept it and meet up when they are.
Your boy will be torn and confused with what to believe as it is still his father and Nan, but he still loves and wants to see you. Maybe don't ask/say much and he will ask you when/if he's ready. Over time he'll realise how your ex behaves and what's right, but he's got to realise/work it out himself for a lot of it. Keep in touch regularly regardless what he says on any exchange - he knows you love him and needs that contact.
I'm not sure if you have a solicitor? Or can get one? But do pester all your support workers for help - they can access the right areas. Whatever rights and wrongs of any parent it's nearly always believed better the children should see them - unless there is parental alienation- which is exactly what your ex is doing. I recommend keeping a diary and logging everything.
I'm so sorry though, it is the most rubbish day but it will resolve. You've done so so well and you'll do this too.
As I'm here and as I kept meaning to just post to say this - I love how you (and all of you) have created the spoonies - it's the best of threads and friendships - though obviously you've had the worst of reasons to start them. You're one amazing, kind, funny lady - and awe inspiring.

My parents said they would help with youngest but I doubt my ex would let them pick him up as he hates my family. I don’t want youngest to feel bad or guilty about any of this , I did get angry and upset last night because since he’s been at Liverpool he’s been very evasive and not wanting to talk. And now I feel bad that I got upset with him. Ex and his mum are manipulating him and he can’t see it. I was told that when my eldest went back there after visiting me and was telling his dad and his grandma and auntie how nice the house was my ex said ‘it’s still a council house at the end of the day’. It’s actually not a council house it’s a housing association and people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones because as far as I can recall he lives in a tin mobile home.
Anyway his opinion doesn’t matter I just hate what he’s doing and I don’t understand why. I did what he wanted , I left and became homeless. I’ve agreed 50/50 contact and I’ve agreed he can have them this Christmas I’ve been more than fair. What a part of it is , is that he always said I wouldn’t cope without him but I am , I’m coping better than I ever thought I would. Yes I’ve had some absolutely horrific moments since being made homeless but I feel like I’m coming out the other side now.
Thank you so much for being there it really truly means a lot xx

Hello @MsJinks . I love your name btw.
Thank you so much for your post and for following my threads. That’s so lovely , thank you 🙏
I’m not going to give up on my youngest or any of my children I just honestly don’t know what to do. He’s my baby and I haven’t seen him in so long and what got me through was that I was doing this for him too and knowing I’d see him soon. I was upset he went to Liverpool but I told myself he would be back soon and I’ve been counting down the days. I just want to see him and hold him.
Your all so right I do need to take it slow with youngest but I just feel so upset I might not see him over Christmas. I keep telling myself that he’s I’m going to spend Christmas Day on my own but I can make another Christmas Day when I have my children and now I don’t even know what’s going to happen.
Ex has already done so much to hurt me , when will it stop?
I haven’t got a solicitor yet I’m going to wait and see if youngest comes back on Sunday but if he doesn’t I will be ringing the council and school to report his absence and stating I do not agree to it , traveller law or not .
I’ve got my support worker and mental health team coming to visit me tomorrow so I will see what they say. Also going to call my domestic abuse team because I feel that this is emotional abuse what he’s doing .
Thank you for the recommendation of keeping a diary , that is a very good idea.
Thank you for your lovely supportive words they honestly mean so much. I just keep telling myself that everything will work out in the end.
The spoonies are amazing aren’t they , you’re more than welcome to join. My greatest achievement this year is starting this thread and meeting such amazing people xx

@MsJinks Welcome to the Spoonies! You've offered some great insight. I'm a huge advocate of diary keeping. Been doing it for over 20 years. Now I've another for my SEN son along with a lever arch file of documentation!
@Imbluedalale Note everything whether you need to use it or not down the line.
I'm struggling to fathom a situation where adults wouldn't be acting in the best interests of a child but I know it happens.
Your ex and his insults are laughable at this point knowing what we do. It's just worrying at what lengths he will go to to keep your son from you.
Remember you have the stable home environment, children need that and when your son gets a chance to see your warm, loving home, he will want to be part of it. There are solutions but it's the long game now I think.
Can you sister help with advice from her Social Worker background on what practical steps you could take right now? Or your support workers, surely this is just a further extension of coercive control by your ex.
I've images of the Spoon Army chasing this waste of a human being right out of town!!!

Please don’t ever apologise to us Spoonies. There is nothing to apologise for!
It’s not your fault, but the fault of your X. No wonder you feel down, anyone would. He has been so controlling and so have his family. That now he can’t control you, he’s well and truly putting all the obstacles he can in the way. But you are winning, it may not feel so at the minute, but now you have a home, your mam and dad, and all of us! You are so much stronger. 😘🌺🌺

Laura, I’m so sorry to hear that your vile ex is manipulating your son and making things difficult. He knows he has lost control over you and that your daughter and older son are seeing you. The only way he has now to exert control is by using your youngest son and coercing him into not coming to stay with you. He is not doing this because he feels it is in your sons best interest, but simply to prevent you getting what you want and need. As a parent, he should be doing what is best for your son, but let’s face it, he doesn’t have a good parenting bone in his body.
Yet again, you get knocked down but come back fighting and I am always so impressed by your resilience and love for your children. You are a great mum, and your children are so lucky to have you to counteract your stupid ex and his actions. He doesn’t have an ounce of compassion in him to see what he is doing to your son in the way he is manipulating him.
Slowly, your son is going to realise what his father is doing as he matures and he will be more able to choose what he does and who he sees.
Definitely take advice from professional’s, especially your domestic abuse support worker, and it may be time to get a solicitor onto it. Maybe it is the right time to make a statement to the police about all the assaults and domestic abuse.
Sensing you massive hugs my lovely, you so deserve to have your son in your life. 🤗🤗

Oh honey, you aren’t bringing negativity, it’s your wretched ex who’s the blot on the landscape! What a hateful man - he really could hardly sink lower!

It probably is time to seek legal advice. Yes they will care what your son wants but you have documented here how a lot of that right now is based on lies. And ex has massively shot himself in the foot by taking him away from school, letting him get behind, leaving him too tired to study, and threatening to stop his sports! You can show that with you he’ll have a stable environment, be in school, continue his hobbies - and you are his mum!

Remember what your dear gentleman said and don’t let this black hole ex of yours dim your light again. He is absolutely not worth it, and this latest ploy shows how low he is - he’s desperate because he’s lost!

Hugest big hugs for you and I’ll be praying you find the best way through this. I second people above - Document everything you possibly can - every lie your son has been told, every lie and abuse ex has committed. Write a plan for youngest that shows how you’ll support him to thrive. We’re all here with you my darling ❤️

Welcome to the spoonie gang @MsJinks

Laura, I meant your daughter (your son’s sister) maybe could bring him on the bus?

I’ve said this before, but in 40 years of working with kids I guarantee that kids love their mums. You have not lost him. He is yours. He will grow up and be less vulnerable to dear dickhead’s influence.

Stay calm, angel. Maybe another check in with the school. Xxxx

Thank you all for the welcome - such a nice place here, full of such nice people, although would never wish any bad things that started it or have happened to posters.
I took interest in this thread, as moons ago I left first husband for a refuge (2nd husband was equally dire!) - so some things really resonate - so glad @Imbluedalale that you had the strength to get through, as many don't and can't - absolutely inspirational- and also pleased at the support received from agencies (was, and is sadly still I believe, quite hit and miss).
It's so long ago for me it feels like a different life that I just saw somewhere and did not live if that makes any sense! But didn't think I would add any particularly new value to the team of spoonies' advice, more current, so empathetic.
The family thing though really resonated and outraged me - perhaps more so as I'm a Nan, which is odd I know, but I feel more of a wider view towards kids perhaps than when I'm knee deep in it myself, and seen impacts of this stuff over a longer time too.
After denying I have stuff to input - I am going to suggest something else now though 🙈 - the diary to log day to day activity stands - so useful down the line as evidence. However I wondered if you'd consider keeping a more personal one for your boy, or all of them? How much you love them, what you've done today, what you hope they're doing for example or anything you think. Something they can read later, or when you see them even, and then they can see 'you' and how much you did your best for them. You write so amazingly I think it would be just a pleasure for them to read too. It's only a thought, a suggestion that I heard once when a father couldn't see their child and actually I sorta wished I had diarised for mine - even though I was fortunate enough to have them all the time.
Many years on from this sort of situation, though in a milder form, I can't regret any of it, as otherwise I wouldn't be here, now, with the kids/grandkids I have. I do feel sad for some of the things that meant they didn't have an upbringing/experience I'd have liked them to have, but equally with that I wouldn't have had them all as they are either - they understand that too as adults.
Keep your faith - and keep your spoonies! - all will be well.

I can see you’re a wise addition to this thread @MsJinks

Thing is, do you like perfume, green coats, cocktails and crafting? 😂

Oh and if you have a pet, we require a photo.

And have you ever seen or owned a lampshade that closely resembles a chicken’s bum?

These are the important questions.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
and @MsJinks do you have a special spoon? 🥄🥄🥄🌸

The MOST important one!

Good afternoon spoonies,
@Apolloneuro thank you for making me laugh out loud at your posts that’s just what I needed today.
Sorry it’s taken my a while to reply to all the posts I haven’t had a very good day. This morning when I put my last post up I got up off the sofa as I had been on phone to my mum having a cry I started experiencing shooting chest pains that would make me keel over in pain. I managed to crawl upstairs and the pain got worse so I rang 111 nhs and they asked me lots of questions and I said I didn’t want to cause any unnecessary bother but the man said that he thinks I need an ambulance so an ambulance came to assess me and they said I was having a bad panic attack. So I feel silly now but it was very scary .
Just wanted to let you all know that I’ve been reading the posts and I didn’t want you to think I was being ignorant because I really appreciate all your support. My mums made me worried and said that if youngest doesn’t come and stay here than the housing assay will kick me out so I’m feeling like a bag of nerves 😟.
Welcome to the spoonies club @MsJinks ❤️, it’s lovely to have you with us and I’m so sorry to hear that you too have had the experience of being with a shit head or two. You sound like a wonderful strong person and an amazing Nan xx

Stop 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣, oh but can you sing @MsJinks because we need a lead singer. We also need to know the following:
Do you like cups of tea/coffee and biscuits?
Have you smelt Shay & blue?
Are you good at writing emails/being irky on the phone?
Are you anywhere near Liverpool so you can go and drop a bucket of shit on Ex’s head?
Have you decided what to wear on book launch night?
Hows your left hook?
Xx