People with more than one child, be honest…

[Behionest]

Is it a huge step up? If I’m honest I have found managing my now almost 2.5 year old very tricky. He’s full on.

If we ttc it’s now or never really. So if I do get pregnant ds will be around 3.5 when sibling is born.

I would love for him to have a sibling but wonder if I am being naive about how much harder work it is. At the moment my in laws have ds four afternoons a week and he is in nursery 3 mornings so I am feeling very supported. A friend said recently that it’s a shock to the system managing two and that all your time is really taken away as one or the other always needs you! But then I suppose the second could be an easier baby?

Honest perspectives please!

I found the step from 1-2 incredibly difficult. More difficult than the step from 0-1. It nearly ended me.

That said, my second was unplanned, I only found out I was pregnant 4 months in and sahe was born early (I basically had about 4 months to come to terms with being pregnant and prepare), my partner was incredibly unhelpful (until I crashed with PND and he had to step up) and I had no idea how to make my older child feel involved with the baby.

TBH, 6 years on, my kids still hate each other. There is still long-standing resentment from the eldest (She is incredibly high- needs, I’ve always suspected add), I feel entirely overwhelmed, my partner - though he does more of the tasks than he used to - is still incredibly checked out and our finances took years to recover.

I love my second child to bits, I really do but only you know the dynamics of your family and how adding a second child will pan out.

I didn’t find it harder although I didn’t find one hard. 3 at school is a lot of planning! Different gym days, clubs etc.
An only child was a horrendous thought for me but I know a few only know and can understand why their parents did.

I had just one for ten years then had two within 3 years of each other.

So far, not finding two that much trickier than one, except that DS2 (6) is much more challenging than most 6yos and is in the process of being assessed for ADHD and ASD, so I'm finding it a bit tricky in that age 3 is challenging anyway and if DS2 was a neurotypical 6yo, then he'd be a bit more reliable in terms of safety and emotional stability rather than needing so much input on top of the usual 3yo shenanigans.

Yes they do seem to tag team when they need you, but I felt like that with one anyway. OTOH they can entertain each other a bit which is nice because DS1 (now 16) was so extremely demanding of my attention/entertainment.

Having more than one really helped my confidence because of having the perspective that yes they do grow out of this phase. And it also helped me feel less uptight about getting things exactly right as I realised different children respond differently.

Two year age gap. I found the second child much easier as I had a better idea of what was coming and was already used to sleep deprivation. Second child was also better natured and less clingy than the first. Love them both to bits and I'm so, so happy that we have two.

I've got 4 - wouldn't change it for the world. The hardest leap was going from 2 to 3 not 1 to 2. The sibling relationship is an absolute joy to witness.

i’m not sure my ds2 was easier but I sort of knew what I was doing so he felt easier

that said managing 2 was hugely stressful. Neither was a sleeper. I have no real memory of the first year of having two! We had a gap of 20 months (not intentionally!) so it was intense. For ages I was in one bedroom with one ds and dh was in another with the other.

That all being said they’re much older now and we got through it and I’m very happy with how everything turned out

I have two with a 2.4 year age gap. I was a SAHM with no family help and for the first year when I had both with me 100% of the time, I found it tiring and overwhelming.
I found the second year when my older one went to pre school 2 days easier and the third year much easier.
My first baby was much harder work, he wanted to do everything himself, would be frustrated by his own inabilities, wanted to be into everything. My second boy is way more chilled and we could even sit in a cafe for a period and it wasn’t high stress.

So yes, the early years were quite hard despite a very hands on husband (who also worked long hours)

Fast forward to now and they are 12 and 14 and just absolutely lovely. They always got on well anyway, (my second’s first word was “bru uh (brother)) the younger one openly adored the older and would go along with his games and ideas. Now, they’re really close, devoted to each other and actually it’s pretty easy having two because they head off and do their own stuff together, go out on bikes, play tennis together etc.

My DH wanted another one but I didn’t want to upset the mix (even though my second would be a brilliant big brother as he loves younger kids) and it was also a lifestyle choice as we wanted to pay for private school and fly back to the U.K. (from Aus) once a year etc.

Saying all that, I know loads of only children and yes, some of them you can see have got away with murder being the much wanted only, but in general they are perfectly happy too. I’m an only child and was very happy as a child and as an adult.

My second was twins and it ended my marriage - yes it's a shock to the system. But I'd take this over being deliberately "one and done" any day

You never know what you are going to get. My first was incredibly difficult, at every stage. Still is as a teen now. My second pg was twins, I remember everyone commenting on how 1 is easy and I'd get a wake up call etc. The twins together were much easier than the difficult one. Without doubt. The obvious complication being that I still had the difficult one with 2 more in the mix!

One of the most satisfying things in my life is seeing them interact. I think a sibling is the greatest gift a child can have.

Sorry but I totally disagree, you need to stop hiding your highly odd parenting strategies behind common custom. If you don’t want to move house, stop getting pregnant!

@teatoast8 Didn’t anyone explain to you that you should cut your coat according to your cloth? It’s about budgeting/scaling your life up in a manner you can afford.

Yes it's tough, very tough some days. I was at home full time with my 2 when they were small and some days I just envied my working friends just because they got a break and seem to enjoy being with their children because of this. I had a 2 year gap.

HOWEVER I wouldn't change this for the world I absolutely love the bones of them, they're teenagers now so it's a different type of hard but having two children is a blessing. And in hindsight the years fly by.

@80smonster My DH always shared a room with his older brother and it hasn’t bothered them in the slightest. It did help that his brother is five years older so DH had some time on his own when DB was away at university, etc.

At one point, his brother put a strip of duct tape down the middle to divide up the room as DH is untidy and he’s not. 🤣

I've got a 4.5 year age gap with mine and it's been great. Sometimes it's twice the work but more often it's half the work because they entertain each other.

It is harder, not doubt about it. Especially if one of them has special needs (which you can’t fully predict). Mine are much better off as siblings - but it is harder work and more hectic. Parents with one child always seem more relaxed than 2 or more. I think going from 1 to 2 feels more of a shock than going up from 2 to 3.

I had a 2y age gap and DD1 has ASD (started developing signs at this age) so this was hard work for me. A bigger age gap such as yours would have been easier. My friends who had a 3-4y gap found it worked well and easier than those with a smaller gap. That's the early years of course. I think by the time my DD were 4 and 6, they were so similar in their stage of development and did everything together.

All anecdotal of course!

I had 2 kids 18 months apart at the age of 39 and 40!! The 2nd one will be easier because you can't spend so much time on them. Somehow, they know. Also, bath together, bed together, play together, that's it...bed, lights out, time for you. Sounds like it could be the best thing for your attention grabbing toddler!!

It’s not a big step up really not compared to going from nothing to one. New baby just fits in to life as it is and you realise all these rules about routines and stuff you had when you had one doesn’t matter anymore. It’s why is so clear on these groups when some posts and they only have one compared to having more. My age gap is 5 years which I think is perfect I have been able to enjoy both my children completely and separately as well as together so I think the age gap is important as they get older they need you less.

Well it was an accidental pregnancy and wasn't aborting! I'll make it work. Always do. Thanks!

It's not odd. It was the done thing and still is. It was an accidental.

If you're struggling when you barely spend any actual time with your child, I wouldn't bother 🙄 of course 2 is harder and I doubt your on laws will be as happy to take a toddler and a new born so you'll have to so some actual parenting

I see my friends with one child and I think it’s so much harder. Having two or more means they play with each other. My single child friends always want them to play with them and they don’t seem to get a break. Mine are 5/6 now and honestly the best of friends and I know they will always have each other. I found going from none to one so much harder than one to two.

I found 0-1 a breeze hit the ground running loved it! 1-2 2 years 6 weeks apart was a nightmare I really struggled 2-3 11.5 years apart is amazing baby is now 3 months old. I have had friends that struggled 0-1 but loved 1-2 I don't think you can now in advance. Debating no4 but I would want atleast 3 year age gap and I'm already 36 so probably won't x

The jump from 0-1 was a million times harder than the jump from 1-2.
Our second slotted right in and it felt weird that she hadn't been there with us all along.

Mine were 17 months apart btw