People with more than one child, be honest…

[Behionest]

Is it a huge step up? If I’m honest I have found managing my now almost 2.5 year old very tricky. He’s full on.

If we ttc it’s now or never really. So if I do get pregnant ds will be around 3.5 when sibling is born.

I would love for him to have a sibling but wonder if I am being naive about how much harder work it is. At the moment my in laws have ds four afternoons a week and he is in nursery 3 mornings so I am feeling very supported. A friend said recently that it’s a shock to the system managing two and that all your time is really taken away as one or the other always needs you! But then I suppose the second could be an easier baby?

Honest perspectives please!

Not for us
We did have a 4 year gap
It has made it easier in many ways. They’ve been playing football and on the computer with each other all afternoon.

This is no reflection on anyone else's experience or family set-up, but for us going from 1 to 2 has made our family life easier. More expensive but easier.

I found 0-1 really hard and 1-2 was much easier than I expected. Ds2 was born when ds1 was 3 and ds1 was full on as a toddler. But he absolutely adored his baby brother. They are 9 and 6 now and honestly it's the best thing ever. They are the best company these days and ofc they do bicker but they still play together with the same things. I was an only child and had to make my own entertainment which isn't a bad thing and I had lots of play dates and sleepovers as a child but holidays etc were a bit boring. My parents made the best efforts to include other children etc - I think if you have an only child then you have to make more of an effort to do this. Mind you one of my good friends has 2 children the same age as mine and they don't really play together, she said it's like having 2 only children because they don't have much interest in each other.

Completely depends on your support network and personal resilience. The early days of having two were fine, but the toddler years less so. I don’t have a tonne of support from my DH and my family aren’t around the corner.

It’s hard work, but you won’t regret it

I’ve found it having two a lot harder than just having one (age gap of 2.5 years and pretty much zero extended family support) but I absolutely don’t regret it for a second, especially as an only child myself.

I had two under two (same sex) and it was hard for the first two years, mostly thanks to the lack of sleep. The benefits came as they got older because they always had a playmate and kept one another entertained. I think the age gap you're talking about would be positive, that extra year or so makes a big difference in terms of the eldest child's development. I think it could work well for you.

I have a friend who had an easy first child and each subsequent child has been even easier. It CAN happen. I wasn’t gifted with that luck. I personally found two children much more than double the work. 0-6 months was ok, 6-18 months was really hard. When they’re moving, need engagement, the big kid has different needs, interests and abilities it’s tough. We spent each weekend in a state of divide and conquer and at age 2+ we’re just beginning to get them to play in the same way where one of us can solo parent. The older one lights up the younger one’s face In a way I can’t even explain though and always has that’s what made it worthwhile.

It's hard to say really - I didn't find it a massive step up, but then my oldest was a pretty 'easy' toddler/pre-schooler (3 yrs 2 months when youngest was born) and youngest was very fortunately, like oldest, a good sleeper, no major issue. I think if an older sibling is 3+ they do at least understand more of what's going on, and at least on some level will understand that you need to give most of your time to the new baby etc.

I have two. If I knew how hard it would be I would have had 1 or none. Love them and wouldn't change them now. But they despise each other and the fighting and arguing is relentless.

I have a 3 and a 5 year old . It was easier for me to go from 1 to 2 than 0 to1 as life didn't change that much. It is hard and ofcourse it's harder the more you have but worth it in my eyes . I was considering a third last night and almost talked my dh into it and then in the night my five year old woke up 3 times with a bad tummy and this morning I said nope not any more I can't deal with the lack of sleep 😂😂

Best thing l ever did having my two . They were company for each other and they were in school together and it worked out brilliantly. Go for it Op good luck .

@Behionest my second was twins but to be honest you don't think about it being hard - you just get on with it.

Your DS will get 30 hours nursery when the second child is born so that will make it easier, then sounds like you have supportive in-laws too. Just don't expect the inlaws to look after two at once.

At the moment my in laws have ds four afternoons a week and he is in nursery 3 mornings so I am feeling very supported

Honest perspectives please!

How would you cope if your inlaws were not doing so much of the caring? And how would you cope if they become either unable or unwilling to provide the same amount of care for the hypothetical second child, and/or felt that doing that for two children (even if that was only in school holidays) was too much for them?

Giving up 4 afternoons a week is a huge commitment and they might start to resent it at some point, so unless you would be willing to look after your own children more or pay for childcare if the need arises, I think it might be unwise to have another child.

Luckily I don't pay for nursery. So it won't be expensive. If I was to pay I'd get 85% back from universal credit

For me 0 to 1 was the biggest adjustment. The second fitted right in and I was way more relaxed so I could enjoy him more. I did have a large gap though.

This is what we said. DD1 was so easy. Napped and fed well, always smiling. We had DD2 and she would take hours to feed and had colic for 4 months and absolutely nothing eased it.
But when they got older and played together and looked out for each other at nursery and school it was worth it.
Those early days were tough though.

We had one then twins 3.5 yrs later. Yes there’s a big difference. We never found our eldest ‘hard’ , we worked full time so he and the two others were full time nursery M - F so we only had them for full days at weekends and holidays

We found once they got a bit older about 5 ish they had each other so life was easier compared to friends with one child who were constantly out and about seeking friends for their kids to be with.

Of course with three all doing different sports and music that’s triple the matches, triple the driving and triple everything really.

I found 1 really hard. Intense. 2 for me, is easier. 3.5 year gap

I had the same dilemma, decided to stick with 1 and very happy we did. As said up above, siblings don't always get on. I rarely speak with mine

It may be that you find one pre-schooler tricky as you don't have much time together to form routines. In which case a second with maternity might be fine. But it may be you just find small children hard work and would enjoy or cope with a second. Definitely worth thinking through. My experience is of four children, I've been a SAHM and work PT. I love it, and whilst busy, it's not overwhelming, nor do I find my children tricky.

Don't rely on the help. Lovely MIL, who did a lot with SIL's children, got cancer and very quickly got very ill. She died when DD was a baby. Had she been around, I would probably have had two.

If you can't cope well with one child, don't rely on PILs for you to have two.

I really hate that trope. The third newborn doesn't know they're the third. They're just as likely to be a good, average, poor or maternal health destroyingly terrible sleeper as any other child in birth order.

Additionally as maternal (and in some specific cases paternal) age increases so does the statistical risk of chromosomal disorders and other differences and health issues, and the risk of premature birth. So actually the third is slightly more likely to bring additional challenges than previous siblings.

My third was my highest needs baby - I thought I was a natural with 1&2 but 3 was challenging.

I didn't want a second for ages. Really gave myself a hard time for not wanting the traditional 2 yr gap that I perceived was the norm. I waited and had a larger gap. Mine are 4 3/4 years apart and have always been very close. My second was an easy baby and my eldest had just started school. I have no regrets.

I think it's different for everyone. My first was a difficult baby. She had terrible reflux. I got pretty much no sleep until she was fully weaned. But, she slept through from one. My second was a wonderful baby but she's only recently started sleeping now at 4. It's been brutal. With hourly wake ups at worst and 3 times a night at best.

The most difficult thing about having 2 for me was not being able to rest. With 1 if you have a rough night you can rest when baby rests. With 2 you don't have that luxury. I only had a a 15 moth age gap and my second was born at the start of COVID so it wasn't normal circumstances.