People with more than one child, be honest…

[Behionest]

Is it a huge step up? If I’m honest I have found managing my now almost 2.5 year old very tricky. He’s full on.

If we ttc it’s now or never really. So if I do get pregnant ds will be around 3.5 when sibling is born.

I would love for him to have a sibling but wonder if I am being naive about how much harder work it is. At the moment my in laws have ds four afternoons a week and he is in nursery 3 mornings so I am feeling very supported. A friend said recently that it’s a shock to the system managing two and that all your time is really taken away as one or the other always needs you! But then I suppose the second could be an easier baby?

Honest perspectives please!

It really depends on the baby and your oldest.

Oldest is autistic and we didn’t find that out until his brother was 1 and he was about 3 and assessed at 5.

They got along great and bought a double tandem pram that I still use for 2 and 3 on the school run.

I have plenty of videos of them playing with each other and they still do at 7 and 9. DS2 was an easy baby, was a great sleeper (so great, we were worried 😂), and easily entertained by just watching his brother run about before he started joining in.

Going from 1 to 2 was easy. 2 to 3, however, 😅.

I had two close together and one a far bit later. I found it easier having two after the first few months as DC2 spent a lot of time watching DC1 playing. As DC2 grew, I found they played together and entertained each other, which meant I could do my chores or even read a book alongside them. But one child with no siblings close in age means the playmate is you and I spent far longer entertaining DC3 and being ‘on call’.

I agree, @thenoldmrsrabbit. I’m an only but DH is from a large family and I’m very grateful to my PIL for bringing up their children to be kind and respectful towards one another. They’re very different people, but as they were brought up to accept and tolerate their differences, they all make an effort to get along. I hope that my two have learnt the same approach from us, we’ve tried to instill it.

Whereas my Dad is from a fractious family, they’re always rowing and falling out. It’s a real shame, as none of them are unpleasant people, they just don’t know how to be conciliatory towards each other, everyone takes offence so easily.

I’m the youngest of three. I had parents who thought my siblings would be instant babysitters and didn't bother with one-on-one attention. I was often left by myself or bossed (bullied) by my siblings. It was a lonely childhood.

I have one DC and don’t plan more.

Going from one to two was a breeze. It requires more logistical planning and made me far more organised, but it's so much easier than no babies to one. I found the same when going from two to three; the youngest just slots themselves into your routine.

I found going from 0 to 1 such a shock to the system, it was brutal imo. It was the height of the pandemic so no support, no family, no baby groups, no social life, grim long cold winter, I found it super hard! My 1st is highly sensitive and requires a lot of emotional support and is super full on too. It really took me a long time to decide to have a 2nd.
I've had my 2nd 6mo ago, when my 1st was 3.5yo, and I found the transition from 1 to 2 sooooooo much easier and more joyful. So much more support, happier times, summer time, all that have massively helped. The hardest aspect for me is that my 1st's emotions can be extreme and through the roof, but we're riding that wave (and it's not every day). I could not imagine our life without our 2nd baby, and even if our 1st struggles with emotions and having to share parents, they're also really happy to be a sibling 🥰

I wanted to add that both my family and in laws are abroad so we don't have free childcare at hands either, which I find hard at times. I also had PPD, PPA and PP OCD after my 1st, making things also quite intense. When we decided to try for a 2nd, I knew I wanted to get professional help from the get go to make sure I'd be supported mentally. I have to say that it massively helped, and all the fears and anxieties I had cannot beat the joys and love and absolute happiness I feel having my 2 kids with us. I feel privileged for them, given some really close friends of mine are struggling having a baby, and it's making me extra emotional).

I have one and there are pros and cons.
A pro is that we can give our one child more attention and take him to his many activities e.g. football without any compromise. Frankly, it would be exhausting if we had more than one and did what he does. He can do as many activities as he likes without me worrying about getting a sibling to their activities too. We also have more money to spend on him and send him to private school, which we couldn't afford if we had two.
A con is that sometimes I feel guilty that he doesn't have a sibling when it comes to holidays and so I always book holidays with lots of childrens' activities so he doesn't feel lonely.
My mother and father come from large families and do not get on with most of their siblings. It is pot luck whether siblings get on.

I had similar reservations OP but we took the plunge and ended up with twins!! 😊

I would say it is a big step up. I have two, they are 4 and nearly 2. They fight, e.g. over toys, a lot and often have to be separated, which is difficult when neither can be left unattended for long. Also I'm constantly trying to balance their needs and work out what is fair re sharing, taking turns etc. Obviously not a problem with one.

They do also really love each other and are great buddies, but both very stubborn and assertive.

I may be mad but I love them both to bits and I would have more! I think you incrementally level up as they get older and don't notice, in some ways, until you have just one of them for a while and remember how easy it is 😆

As others have said; the biggest shock is going from 0 to 1 child. Any more doesn't really make much difference. Although I say that as someone who has 3 small children and no help - unless paid for. If you struggle with one child and you have that much support, I'd probably stay at one child.

I had 2 under two and it was a huge step up for me. It was so incredibly hard at the beginning.

Now that they are 1.5 and 2.5 it is so much easier. They are still small but they entertain each other so much and have so much fun together. I think in a years time it will be easier than having one in some ways.

I was a far better parent when I only had one child. I wouldn't change my second at all and she was a really easy baby and slotted in to our lives but it absolutely made things harder day by day. Even now they are older, it's hard to get a break, it's far easier to find someone to look after one child than two and in my case, they'd rather go to separate places!

Honestly, I found going from 0-1 WAY harder. It's like being hit by a bus the first time round isn't it.

1-2 was absolutely fine. It was when I truly accepted that my old life was over and that I wouldn't have time to be 'me' again for a few years.

Yes it's extra work, but I can hand on heart say that I found the jump from 1-2 much easier (2.5 year age gap). Also wonderful for when they get a little bit older and play together and leave you alone. Mine are 4&7 now and it's great how much they play together.

We have a 3 year, 2 month gap between DD1 and DD2, and it's so lovely so far (3 months in). I found moving from 0 to 1 really hard and my first DD was a very difficult baby and the second has been much easier. So I feel very lucky and happy that moving from 1 to 2 has been much easier in comparison - but you must do what feels right for you! I very much agree with pp about being ready to accept whatever you get as I know quite a few friends who had quite a tricky second baby.

I think it all depends on the temperament of your children.

DS1 had silent reflux and colic for the first 7 months of his life. The first year nearly broke me.

I have a 22 month age gap because I knew that the further I got from the colic the less likely I would be to go through it again.

DS2 is a joy. He's so calm and content.

Having 2 has been way easier than I thought it would be but only because the first year with my first was so hard.

If my children had been born the other way round I genuinely don't think I would have coped and I would have had serious PND whilst trying to look after 2 children.

It is obviously a bigger time commitment and you will be saying goodbye to some freedoms for awhile but i found having two way easier than having one. It really chilled me out and was a lesson in acceptance.

I had mine 18mo apart so it was full on for 6 months until DC1 could go to preschool 3 mornings a week at 2yo.

I think your age gap will be easier x

And other people are allowed to comment on those opinions, seeing as it’s a public forum

I had a three year age gap between my two. Honestly, I found 0-1 much more difficult than 1-3, despite my second being a much more challenging sleeper than my first.

I have a 2yo and a 4mo and I do feel like I'm in the trenches. Our 4mo has a few medical things going on so that has been tough emotionally but also juggling hospital stays and between both DC I feel my weeks are full of appointments. Instead of having one thing after another it feels like I'm dealing with 3 things while 3 new things start to hit me, if that makes sense, especially with all the developmental changes children go through. Luckily though 4mo is a very chilled and happy baby. But learning to juggle two, especially when they're both crying for you at the same time is hard.

So honest opinion is it's hard, much harder than one, but I love it, I love watching them together and you learn how to handle it.

If u r struggling with 1 u won’t cope with 2.

I have 3, and honestly, if I had my time over again I’d stop at one.
i found the baby/toddler years easy enough - hence having 3, but now I have 3 teenagers who all have different needs, different friends and different places to be - all at the same time. Everyone says it gets easier but that hasn’t been my experience. It has got much harder for me and I feel torn into pieces most of the time.
I would have been a much better parent to one.

@Behionest I have the same gap as you are proposing in your post. It definitely is a shock, and some days I think how easy it was with just one.... BUT then I see how much they love each other and their beautiful bond. Sure they have their moments but mostly they are super cute together. The gap meant I was in Mat leave when DD started school, and meant I wasn't paying childcare for two at once.

I am so glad and lucky we had a second and we are in a good routine now and I have time for me. DD is 4.5 and DS is 1. He is such a different baby, better sleeping, more chilled in general, settles into Nursery really well.

My fabulous mum died last year at 85... never forgave her parents for one then done ... condemned her to life as an ' only' before contraception was even reliable..

Had no one to share life's use and down with, no want to take on the burden of our parents with. No one simply to share with who understood where she came from.

My grandparents decided on one than done because my grandmother did not want to be bothered with other children and only had my mum because it was expected of her… there were no money issues, my mother was brought up by nanny.. my grandmother wanted to spend her time with her husband and to live the life of a childless couple

Totally depends on the children.

It’s been incredibly difficult for us as DS came along second and has SEN so our existing family dynamics went completely out of the window. No way was he able to just fit into the family.

It’s absolutely relentless and DDs life has been hugely impacted. It’s really very difficult for her.

we adore DS but life became infinitely more difficult when he came along.

Obviously one is easier in lots of ways.
But the joy of two (or more i suppose), is unmeasurable.
Children benefit so much from siblings, so where it's possible, as in fertility wise, relationship wise, health wise etc, it's the best thing to do.

In some ways two is easier, as although they'll likely squabble, they play with each other. Which means you can get on with things rather than constantly having to entertain.
Also I think if I had just the one I'd be constantly trying to set up play dates and worry about them being lonely. And days out with just one child may be trickier too. Whereas I can take my children to the park, national trust or whatever and let them play together.