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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

People with more than one child, be honest…

245 replies

Behionest · 16/11/2024 14:52

Is it a huge step up? If I’m honest I have found managing my now almost 2.5 year old very tricky. He’s full on.

If we ttc it’s now or never really. So if I do get pregnant ds will be around 3.5 when sibling is born.

I would love for him to have a sibling but wonder if I am being naive about how much harder work it is. At the moment my in laws have ds four afternoons a week and he is in nursery 3 mornings so I am feeling very supported. A friend said recently that it’s a shock to the system managing two and that all your time is really taken away as one or the other always needs you! But then I suppose the second could be an easier baby?

Honest perspectives please!

OP posts:
AntiHop · 16/11/2024 20:30

Are you working or a sahm?

Bournetilly · 16/11/2024 20:30

I have 2 with a similar age gap and it was way harder than I expected. Everyone said it would be easier because I knew what to expect etc and I naively believed that. Second child still doesn’t sleep and I feel guilty I can’t spend as much time with DC1 whilst also guilty DC2 doesn’t have the time/ attention DC1 had.

Im so glad I have them both though and they have each other, once DC2 is abit older I’m sure they will be great friends, it’s obvious they love each other. I wouldn’t change anything but I would be better prepared.

It also shocked me how expensive things are with 2. When I had 1 I didn’t think anything of paying for days out all the time, Christmas events etc. When you have 2 it really adds up.

Rockandgrohl · 16/11/2024 20:32

Totally depends on the child, I found 1-2 a waaaay easier adjustment than 0-1. You already know what to expect, plus my DC1 was a refluxy crying wouldn’t be put down type baby until 18months when he turned into the sweetest toddler ever, we got to 3 with him and it was a now or never situation for a sibling, I was so so scared about having another newborn… however DC2 was a unicorn baby, slept, smiled,giggled ,would be put down anywhere. She is however an absolute demon toddler…it’s harder now that she’s 2 than it has been so far, however I wouldn’t change it for the world

SnowLeopard5 · 16/11/2024 20:38

I found going from 0 to 1 harder than 1 to 2. However, now they're a bit older there's a lot of big emotions which is full on but there's definitely still more positives than negatives!

Your oldest would be starting school by the time you have a second which might give you more of a break?

teatoast8 · 16/11/2024 20:42

Just to add to @80smonster teenagers of the same sex can share a room. Not the end of the world. It's normal to keep sharing. You'll find it in loads of households

yummyscummymummy01 · 16/11/2024 20:46

It's impossible to know! I went to have one more and had twins! The age gap was only two years and it was miserable!
Now they're a bit older it's still hard work but am so glad they have each other.
I don't think you can know for certain how well siblings get on it's always a gamble though.

Redlorryyellowcar · 16/11/2024 21:03

I found the first one harder than I expected as he was not an easy baby (which I didn’t really fully get at the time), plus I was quite anxious

second baby has been a more normal wash going baby. Im also a more chilled mum. Love motherhood, it’s been the best thing I’ve ever done

TropicalRain · 16/11/2024 21:08

LeavesTrees · 16/11/2024 15:08

2 is very different to one. I found parenthood really, really easy until I had 2. I was one of those smug people who thought I was a natural mum, that soon changed! 🤣
I love that they have each other and I’m glad I had 2, but when I have just one with me, it’s like a totally different world.

This has also been the case for me. Having a second has been so different to one. Being with either child one on one is easier. First DC is generally much much easier than the younger sibling who is a tornado. It can go either way. Also have 3.5y age gap OP and I feel that aspect has worked well.

CinnamonSpiceAndAllThingsNice · 16/11/2024 21:22

I have 2 and it wasn't that bad to be fair. Especially when they get older.

I'm an only child and wish I could have a sibling to share things with and help out with elderly parents

FedUpandEatingChocolate · 16/11/2024 21:23

First few years are hard work, of course, but then it's really lovely (other than the odd squabble). Our youngest is disabled but we'd have had a third if it had been possible.

FedUpandEatingChocolate · 16/11/2024 21:25

Frowningprovidence · 16/11/2024 15:10

I found 1 easy and 2 hard. I find people who found 1 hard seemed to adjust to 2 better than people who found 1 easy if that makes sense.

Yes, this! My first was such hard work as a baby, no sleep, reflux, clingy, allergies ... But her 8th year was absolute perfection so swings and roundabouts!

And yeah, second was easier after a tricky first.

EdithStourton · 16/11/2024 21:26

My second DC was very much easier than my first. Partly personality, partly I'd had more practice.

I have never regretted having another.

thaegumathteth · 16/11/2024 21:29

I had a 3.5 yr age gap and I found the step up easy BUT I was already a sahm so different from your situation and we never had any childcare etc so it didn't change much. Also, crucially, dc2 was a model baby, slept through etc etc etc.

She was an absolutely horror of a toddler though for about 2 years but not once did I regret having her.

neverbeenskiing · 16/11/2024 21:32

I found going from 1 to 2 incredibly hard. The first 2 years nearly broke me if I'm being completely honest. If you find 1 child tricky despite all the help you're getting from GP's then I'd think very carefully before adding another child into the mix.

bakewellbride · 16/11/2024 21:32

I've got 2 with a 3.5 year age gap. First year of youngest's life was VERY tough, very, very, very hard and tbh traumatising at times. But I had PND and a baby who would not sleep and zero family support. I'm sure you'll have a much easier time of it than me.

They're 2.5 and 6 now and it's absolutely wonderful and they adore each other so I'm happy we decided to have 2.

Would never have a third though and dh has had the snip.

Nelly91 · 16/11/2024 21:53

We found our second the easiest little boy. But our first is ASD and very much hard work so when our second came along we couldn’t believe how easy parenting can be!

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 16/11/2024 21:54

One to two wasn’t an issue.
Two to three nearby killed me.

OhMehGoddess · 16/11/2024 21:56

If I have another life. I would either have only one child or none.

We only have two. Personally can't think of anything worse than having a lot of kids and I am one of 5 and my mum is one of 6.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 16/11/2024 23:06

2 was hard but not because it was 2, he was a really difficult baby so it would have been hard regardless. He just never stopped crying and it was relentless.
Definitely didn't just slip in to family life and DH and I did a lot of divide and conquer for a while or DS1 would've missed out.

Gogogo12345 · 16/11/2024 23:35

AllYearsAround · 16/11/2024 15:23

To an extent. It also depends on your priorities.

Feeding, clothing and housing three children is expensive.

Activities are expensive in time and money - a music lesson is £18 a week, add to that dance, sport etc.

School trips are expensive, even without doing the school ski trip or expedition to Peru.
The last few school trips have been £20-£30 per child.
Decent school shoes, trainers, winter coats.
Lunch money or packed lunches. Ingredients for food tech.
Birthday parties, holidays, cars, a house with enough bedrooms.

I mean you could do no clubs, no activities, no holidays, no birthday parties, no musical instruments, no Year 6 residential if you wanted but most parents do want to be able to give their children those opportunities - and it is expensive.

Well it will be expensive with that kinds of lifestyle

AllYearsAround · 17/11/2024 00:04

Gogogo12345 · 16/11/2024 23:35

Well it will be expensive with that kinds of lifestyle

The lifestyle of children wanting to do a hobby, go on school trips and have a birthday party?
Surely that's the lifestyle the vast majority of people want for their children.

Poppins2016 · 17/11/2024 07:50

I found 0-1 extremely tough.
0-1 is a shock to the system in terms of lifestyle (always having a child in tow, needing to think about naps/meals/bedtime etc), whereas you've already adapted to that when you have additional children, so there's less change in that respect.
0-1 was additionally hard for me because my oldest child was a demanding, high maintenance baby (everything was harder than with your average baby... sleeping, colic, feeding, weaning, etc.) and I struggled. Most people would have stuck at just the one baby after the experience I had, but I knew I wanted at least 2 children and just prayed for a different experience with the next baby... It did take me much longer than I'd anticipated to feel ready to try for number 2, though... I'd always imagined a small age gap (18 months - 2 years), but the gap is 3 years, for good reason!

1-2 (with a 3 year gap) was much easier than 0-1. My second child was an "average" baby compared to my first, so I adapted to having two in tow relatively quickly... It was a little tricky juggling the needs of two at first, but easier than I'd anticipated after experiencing my first baby.

2-3 (2.5 year gap) was the easiest change of the lot. I'm already used to juggling more than one and know all the tactics, so she's just slotted right in and it's been a very easy adjustment. I will add, though, that she's a very "easy" content baby... and (no matter what people say) she's not just super content because "I'm more relaxed due to experience", it's simply because my babies personalities are different. (There's no doubt, that I'm a more relaxed parent and I don't second guess myself like I used to, but that doesn't influence a babies personality or whether or not you can put them down "drowsy but awake", whether they're colicky, or take to food well, etc). What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that I know I've been lucky with my transition from 2-3 and it would have been a very different story if my children had been born in reverse (no doubt, in that scenario, my third would potentially have felt like a really bad decision for the first year or two, because I would have struggled to juggle his needs with caring for the others)!

I think, at the end of the day, it's about the long term... having another baby is always going to feel tricky and it's luck of the draw with personality and how "easy" your baby will be... but long term, your second won't always be a baby and it will likely get easier to manage your children as they grow up (the constant demands of babies and toddlers are very different to those of older children, although there are certainly still challenges, they're different/less full on and I find them easier to navigate).

Gogogo12345 · 17/11/2024 09:17

AllYearsAround · 17/11/2024 00:04

The lifestyle of children wanting to do a hobby, go on school trips and have a birthday party?
Surely that's the lifestyle the vast majority of people want for their children.

Many many kids don't have expensive hobbies such as music lessons and skiing trips. The hobbies are once a week at cubs or brownies for a fiver, playing out with friends etc. Birthday parties can be done at home without paying hundreds for venues. School trips are not that expensive most of the time. Average of £5 -8 at my grandsons school and no more than one per term.

Ithinkyou · 17/11/2024 09:37

I think the consensus seems to be that if you found 0-1 hard (I did) then 1-2 comes with surprising ease. If you found 0-1 a breeze then you might find 1-2 harder than you anticipated.

AllYearsAround · 17/11/2024 09:53

Gogogo12345 · 17/11/2024 09:17

Many many kids don't have expensive hobbies such as music lessons and skiing trips. The hobbies are once a week at cubs or brownies for a fiver, playing out with friends etc. Birthday parties can be done at home without paying hundreds for venues. School trips are not that expensive most of the time. Average of £5 -8 at my grandsons school and no more than one per term.

Obviously ski trips are expensive which is why my children have never done them. But I don't think learning a musical instrument or having swimming lessons is outrageously frivolous.
One of mine is doing a music GCSE so needs to play an instrument.
Swimming lessons for 3 cost me £75 a month at one point, and that was still cheaper than taking them swimming myself.
Brownies is fine for little kids but teens often want to do sport or dance and personally I think it is important to encourage that kind of thing as they get older.