It's after 3am and DH isn't back yet, aibu for being annoyed?

[tometoyoutodo]

Yesterday he left home for a Work dinner at 2pm and has texted just once at 6pm. How would you feel?
There's 3 Primary aged DCs at Home with Me.

The days of freedom when there was no texting, whatsapping and calling to check in every hour you're out 🙌🏾. I mean, who leaves home at 2 and has to check in at 6pm?

I understand the worry, but you cannot allow intrusive thoughts to control tou and the person that is meant to be out enjoying themselves. It doesn't sound like he's one of those feckless husband's who roams the streets every weekend getting wasted.

I wouldn't assume anything.

Op's Dh went out for a work meal. Presumably the restaurant wasn't open until 5 in the morning. Lots of other AWOL partners go out for similarly " defined" social purposes. But then they go off the radar for hours and hours.

My point was they could literally be anywhere, doing anything. And if you are in a loving relationship then when you decide to go on and do something else the norm would be to give your partner at home - often with small children - a heads up as to where you were off to. If you cared about your partner why not do that? What's so difficult about consideration.

Are you always so forceful and rude about other people's experiences Artist?
Do you struggle to allow others to enjoy things that you don't like?

It is my view that it is grim, you might revel in this kind of stuff, that’s up to you. I am perfectly entitled to think it’s all shades of grim even without a newborn baby in the mix.

Yes of course you should txt to say you are staying out so your partner doesn't worry.
I still think it's a giant leap to worry they may be in a lap dancing club or dead in a ditch when you know they went out drinking with their mates at a works do, so in all probability are just still out in a bar somewhere or asleep on someone's sofa..
But yes. I would want a text to let me know not to wait up. And if I were out I would either say when I'd be home or I'd say I'd be gone for the whole night. I'd not go off radar completely without letting him know. I mean I might not be replying to texts for whatever reason but I'd always have said what my general plans are so my husband wouldn't have to worry.

It's just that a lot of grown women here have explained that this sort of occurence isn't a specific problem for them, yet you are dismissing all of them and sticking to insults.
You can hold with your own take on things if you like, that's fine...but don't put people down or make stuff up.

Wouldn't say I revel in it (a lot hyperbole from your posts on this thread btw), I'm neutral when it comes to either parent having a night out.

Do they have a newborn? OP says three primary-aged children.

HUSBAND GOALS! 🙌

@Artistbythewater

they don’t have a new born baby though! Have you been drinking?

Its beyond annoying when a man is insensible drunk, slurring and stupid, whether he has no DC or ten, whether you're married to him or not, or whether it's 3am or half past never. So on that basis alone YANBU. Whether I'd bother to hide my irritation or not would greatly depend on whether he did it often.

DH and I have a rule so we don't worry about each other...

Give expected time home.
If anything changes send a text so if you wake up at 3 in the morning to an empty bed for example you can check messages to see if planned or actually if you need to be worrying.

Well tbh OP's DH did end up in a night club.
And there's been plenty of threads on here where partners did end up in strip clubs and lap dancing clubs or Sport 's bars with late licences and strippers on tap , just so they " could continue drinking "

@Artistbythewater I agree. I mean, I did all of this (staying out until morning, falling over in the street and 3 day hangovers etc) when I was 18-22ish and in fact, before I was 18 but moving swiftly on... Grown, mature adults who have a marriage, children and therefore responsibilities, do not generally behave like this. Not even rarely.

For a start, it's irresponsible as a parent to put yourself in danger and potentially, however unlikely it may seem to some, risk your kids losing a parent.

@VegTrug

lol, so what about getting in a car and driving? Should parents not do that considering that the risk of being killed in a road traffic accident is far higher than the risk of being murdered on a night out?

Yeah, this. If it's out of character and you were expecting them home much earlier, of course you're going to be worried (and annoyed). If plans change to the extent that you're going to be hours late, it's polite to let your partner know. If I was expecting my DP home at midnight, I'd stay up and wait for him. If it was 3am, I wouldn't. So it does make a difference.

So the question in the original post was ‘how would you feel?’ and there was a mix of opinions, but after reading through all the responses the OP should have said ‘I already have an opinion that my husband is a twat, please just agree with me, if you have a balanced or opposing opinion that sometimes nights out like this happen then you are just a cool wife and are wrong!’

I haven’t drunk in two years, but when I did one huge thing I remember from a bit of a bender/night out is that time goes really quickly, alcohol is a bit of a time thief and before you know it after drinking and chatting, it can suddenly be 5am, can remember us all thinking that we were sure aliens abducted us or something as time vanished, I mean it’s not great thinking about it, but if it’s a night out then that’s what it’s like.

Again, hyperbole. The odd night out with work pals consisting of food, pub, club, taxi home at 5, is run of the mill, not a parenting fail.

Many activities carry a risk.

Yes exactly. Most people get this stage out of their system at uni age, it then becomes staggering uncool to be middle aged rolling around like an old drunk. I would lose all respect for someone like this. We go to lots of parties and there is always one like this, and it is embarrassing and they tend to inspire pity.

I could not be in a relationship with some of the posters here. It’s controlling to dish out insults and to try and stop your partner from doing something harmless, just because you don’t approve. And actually pretty abusive to think up punishments because they dare to have a hangover.

If you have such different values then you shouldn’t be together.

The op sounds fine now anyway, clearly just worried because it’s not something that happens that often. She’s not a “cool wife” just because she doesn’t want to kick off over something that is a total non event. The mature way would be to work on a better way of planning a night out around weekend life and having a better communication. For the next time either of them want a big night out.

The mature thing is for her darling husband to behave like a fully grown adult in the first place and to show her courtesy and respect.

And what exactly is your definition of a fully grown adult?

I am 37. I have been in a happy relationship for over 10 years. I have a good management job, I own my own house, I always pay my bills. I look after my ageing parents who have various illnesses. I don’t break the law and I try my best to be a good person, partner, friend, sister, daughter.

I got home at 4 am this morning, so despite all of the above in your eyes that probably means I’m not a proper adult. I don’t usually go out on a Friday night. But I have a big event tomorrow that I cannot be hungover for. I also made sure that everything that I would usually do on a Saturday was taken care of before. There was no harm in me going out this late and my partner has no problem with it because he’s not been left to pick up my slack.

DH does this every so often. Maybe once every few years. I do get annoyed if he doesn’t text to let me know he’s ok/staying out later than planned/crashing at a friend’s. I do also get annoyed if he comes home really hammered because then he’s noisy. But apart from that, I have no issue with him staying out very late/all night. He is a good person, a lovely partner, an excellent dad and a hard worker. I don’t personally find anything grim in someone who is otherwise responsible and sensible having a blowout once in a blue moon. You only live once and sometimes a bit of spontaneity can make us feel young again.

My DH would also not have a problem with me doing the same- I haven’t for a very long time mainly because I can barely drink these days and don’t like being out late. But DH wouldn’t mind if I did.

I’m not a ‘cool wife’ by any stretch- just someone who thinks it’s ok for an adult to occasionally go on a bit of a bender if they’ve otherwise got their shit together and are a stable, reliable partner and parent.

We had a house warming party once and it went on till 6 in the morning! We went to bed and One guest fell asleep on the sofa, we woke at 2pm and he was still there. We woke him up snd he had 30 missed calls from his wife. He phoned her back and she put the phone down and didn't speak to him for a week!

Apart from you, who mentioned a strip club?! Normal clubs are open until the time I said.