Lottery win - what is fair?

[LotteryFights]

My DH and me have been arguing about this hypothetical thing for months and neither can see one another's view

My sister is v well off. Successful in her career and her husband has family money. They have 3 kids. Their house is well over £1m. They drive fancy cars.

H's sister is on benefits. Never worked. 6 kids . Lives in cramped house.

If we won millions in the lottery (i know, silly argument) I said we would give both sisters the same as they are both our sisters. H tells me this is beyond mad and of course you'd give much much more to his sister and possibly just gifts to my sister.

He tells me im being some awful person thinking they should both get the same. He says its beyond comprehension that we would give the same to each one and I need my head checked.

I need your views!!

(Obviously it's an issue that will never be an actual issue!)

Barring some massive backstory, why would you give away money to someone who is very well off?

Absolutely 💯
Thinking one of your DC is set for life and the other is struggling, and setting your will differently because of it is not a good thing. What if the one struggling wins the lottery and the one that is doing well falls on hard times? You should absolutely be even and fair to your DC.

@LotteryFights He also just said we would "100% give different amounts to DC in our wills depending on how they're doing" so it could actually become a real argument at one point that would be devastating for the child who is not left the equivalent amount!! does he not realise that the one left out will feel like he/she was of no value to his life and was unloved? it will also do irreparable damage to the sibling relationship!!! the feeling of being unloved by your parents never goes away, you know! I know all about that!!

Wow I missed this bit and a lot of PP have, a big mistake.
He absolutely shouldn't be doing that!
Life changes in an instant... As PP have said positions can reverse. There's no way of knowing who the 'needy' sibling will be at time of death even if we agreed with the needs based approach (which I don't!).
Equal 100%.

@Disaranno makes a fair point about life situation changing. In fact, that was made clear watching Children in Need when one mother stated that ‘one appointment changes your life’. You don’t know what’s around the next corner.

@Ratisshortforratthew

philanthropic

It's just the way you wrote it sounded more about NOT wanting to give it to friends or family so you'll give it to charity, than saying you want to give it to charity (iyswim)

I've always wanted to do similar to what they did in 'At home with the Braithwaits'

Am I the only one surprised a lottery win that's never going to happen is causing a long running argument?

It's more about attitude and priorities. A hypothetical lottery win is just the vehicle.

Just because it's hypothetical doesn't make it unimportant.

It's a bit like the classic "free pass" scenario. If their boyfriend/husband insisted in deadly seriousness that, given the opportunity, they would want a free pass to have sex with their fantasy celebrity crush, then I think many women would quite reasonably be upset by that.

I think equal.

More to the sister that needs it.

Nah the rich one doesn't need it as much as the other one. Not equal shares.

I wouldn't tell a soul either,
The only person getting a penny will be dd and I will split it with her 50/50 after donating large sums to 2 animal charities.
and she will have to be careful she never gets ripped off in the future by a husband.

I intend to win big :)

agreed! Although we’ve said we’d tell my family as we’re very close and would probably buy huge houses so were all living next door to each other to support one another (which is kind of the plan eventually anyway). But DH wouldn’t tell his family as we’re low contact and he has friends who we consider family more.

What about if you were working your arse off for that £1m house and lifestyle? Only to see that the other sister just continues getting her life funded for her either by the taxpayer (your hard earned taxes!) or through this lottery gift?

Equal to both IMO.

You've made a post on MN because your H disagrees with you over something that hasn't happened?

You probably don't even play the lottery

Peak MN

Presumably, someone that bitter would be very relieved they no longer had to fund the other sister's survival, so would be very happy with the decision to give it to her.

Equal share to them both, one sister shouldn't be 'punished' for being self sufficient and successful on life .

Same

Sorry but why would someone have 6 kids if they can't afford them? I'm sure they wouldn't expect more as that would be unreasonable

Alternative put something away for each niece or nephew

I know there are people who think like this, and evidently are proud of their opinions.

However I really feel uneasy when I hear it expressed in such a way as you have just done. It's so condescending and your self admiration due to being so just and heroic is quite frankly embarrassing.

When colonisers or religious evangelicals were taking over the world they too probably felt in a similar way. Thank goodness they were there to enlighten the savages.

Thank goodness for your family. What would British society do without you. Incentivising your lazy relations and reforming your husband who was destined to be a lost cause. Maybe your family deserves a knighthood of some sort.

I see both points of view but in this situation you give equally to both in my opinion.

When you've come into exceptional good fortune, I think you share it with people you love if that's who you choose to share it with. Not sit around thinking about who is more deserving as in this case, they're both deserving as both are loved family members.

Equal but I wouldn’t tell anyone anyway. Due to increasing ill health of my DF my parents are starting to pass money to mysekf and my DS and it’s lottery sums because of dads work.

And as it goes my DS and I are successful but DS on an epic scale more than me. I was insistent that anything that come to me must also go to her tho to her it really is another load of money on the pile.

Secondly if my in laws had any idea of how much money I was sitting on (let alone us as a pair because of a business and previous property I had etc) they would feel they deserve a share. So they don’t know beyond what they can see. They won’t get one penny.

Equal.

My OH and I have had this sort of hypothetical discussion and we decided we'd simply give the same amount to every sibling/cousin.

It's tempting to want to help some people more than others, but there's so many potential factors to consider, and it risks becoming a bit controlling. Kinda like, "we gave you £x so you could pay off your mortgage, why did you decide to spend it on y instead?"

You're giving it as a gift, for the recipient to use as they wish, not as a form of mini-pseudo-government. You're giving it to family because they're family, not as charity because they're the deserving poor. So, give it equally.

Nope I wouldn’t either. No one in our family “needs” money so I’d keep the lot for us and our kids. We have an adult disabled child so he would be number one priority as he’ll always need 25/7 care.