Lottery win - what is fair?

[LotteryFights]

My DH and me have been arguing about this hypothetical thing for months and neither can see one another's view

My sister is v well off. Successful in her career and her husband has family money. They have 3 kids. Their house is well over £1m. They drive fancy cars.

H's sister is on benefits. Never worked. 6 kids . Lives in cramped house.

If we won millions in the lottery (i know, silly argument) I said we would give both sisters the same as they are both our sisters. H tells me this is beyond mad and of course you'd give much much more to his sister and possibly just gifts to my sister.

He tells me im being some awful person thinking they should both get the same. He says its beyond comprehension that we would give the same to each one and I need my head checked.

I need your views!!

(Obviously it's an issue that will never be an actual issue!)

My neighbour had a similar windfall (inheritance, think heir hunters) and decided not to give any to her disabled adult son so that he would still get benefits 😶 - she gave a lot to her adult daughter who arguably was doing just fine in life and didn't need it as much as her son who would have really benefited from it.

On that basis I'd think about raising the standard of living of the poorer sister, if not for her (because "rewards" 🙄) then for her children, because none of the kids had any say in who they were born to, but I'd like them all to have a decent chance in life. I might also put the same amount of money into trust for each of the 9 children.

Nope 🤣

'From each according to their ability, to each according to their needs.'. Karl Marx

I am not a communist but I fervently go along with Marx on that!

If it were your children we were talking about I'd say you it was import to be seen to be treating them equally, but it's a sister for each of you so quite different. If you can help his sister who is struggling I would do so. Whereas your own sister sounds pretty well off already, just give her a lovely gift or a set amount of money, but it's not essential.

Some people might drone on about poor choices made by his sister etc, we don't know what her difficulties in life have been, what abilities she has or not, etc etc. Yeah she probably shouldn't have had 6 kids but they are here now, and by helping their mum you can make their lives better, so why wouldn't you? What a wonderful opportunity.

Same amounts. Unless there’s some back story about the six kids.

We are in similar situation. DMIL proposing to leave more of her (not insubstantial) estate to DSIL than DH. We’re not rich. Both work full time. Made good choices. DSIL is single mum and has two DCs, now teenagers. Works part time. Lives at home with DMIL. Still owns a house. Luckily my DH is very kind and laidback. It’s totally changed how I see my MIL.

*IMPORTANT to be seen to treat your own children equally

It depends on the amounts. If it's so much money that their current difference in incomes pales into insignificance, perhaps you're right. However, if you have, say, half a million or even a million spare, I'm definitely on your DH's side. Otherwise, you have it in your means to save the poorer sister and her children from poverty and suffering, but instead choose to give that extra money to someone who doesn't need it.

@Anotherparkingthread typically in these scenarios giving more money doesn’t solve the problem; only enables more poor choices. Unless there’s an exceptional back story (which I doubt)

I’d imagine life would be cramped with 6 bloody children. Ridiculous

Of course I would love to give his sister money and financial freedom. I just argue that we should give them both the same. He is saying the gift should be proportionate to the original wealth - so his sister would get much more to level things out

And when we debate this we are usually talking silly money. "If we won £50m" debates.

Otherwise, you have it in your means to save the poorer sister and her children from poverty and suffering

but they wouldn’t be ‘poor and suffering’ if she worked. Or didn’t have 6 kids

You can only possibly receive benefits for life if you're quite severely disabled. I'm very happy to fund her to help her be a parent.

You and your husband get 50% each if the win and decide how to spend your respective shares.

We're similar in that DH's sister is filthy rich and my sister lives paycheck to paycheck. (My other sister is disabled and still lives at home).
We've always said that if we won the jackpot, we'd give each sister the same amount.
It doesn't matter what their financial statuses are, we'd want to share the wealth.
I know for a fact that his sister would probably say no to a handout but that's beside the point.

First agree to the split of any winnings between you! Each do what you want with your share.

why should your sister get less because she's worked hard & his sister has never worked & made the decision to keep having babies??

It's hypothetical. If you differ in opinion so much for months then maybe stop talking about it. It's not a real life issue and very unlikely to happen. Why get bogged down over an imaginary issue?

His sister has never worked and has six kids? If that's her choice and she's not claiming benefits, fine.

But I'd leave equally to both - your sister works hard and imo deserves it more.

If you'd like your talking about £50m then to put it crudely a £5m gift to one and a £6m gift to the other, vs £5m to each is neither here nor there.

Can I be your long lost sister and get in on the £5m handouts please?

Goodness, winning £123m and only giving £1m to each isn't very generous is it?

Why?

I don't understand rewarding someone for never working & having children by 6. I don't begrudge a parent of 6 claiming benefits, when their life gets turned upside down, but I do object to someone never working & carrying on to have more & more children.

In that case, I agree with you, assuming you are planning to make generous (i.e. at least £1M+) gifts to both sisters.

If not, I'd side more with your DH - if you were only planning on giving away, say, £500k in total, then it would be much more appropriate to give the lion's share to DSIL and treat the DSis to a special holiday or similar.

If you love your nieces and nephews equally then decide the amount you'll give away and set up 9 trust funds. It's equal and every child has an opportunity to use it to better their lives (driving lessons, education etc).

@PeloMom Jeez, judgmental just a tad no?

I wouldn't give money to either sister.

is this the same sister that gets free childcare from the other thread? seems oddly similar, sil doesn’t work has 6 kids??

I’d do equal parts.