DP received letter for CMS

[lockdownbabyx]

My partner and I have been together for 4 years and have 2 children and another on the way.
Today he received a letter from CMS saying he owes child maintenance for a child he has never known about. This child is now 5 years old.

Obviously a dna test will need to be done anyway, but where do we stand with this?

I'm so upset and confused, literally found out I was pregnant again yesterday 😭

I’m exhausted just thinking of that amount of children in so little time 😩

How has the CMS got his salary details already?
The very first letter my ex received was just a feeler type one. They needed information from him regarding his income.

That's a massive thing to take in OP. The money is one aspect but the other is the emotional side - will he have any role in the child's life?

All you can do is take one step at a time, see what happens with the DNA test and how things unfold. Try not to panic or get ahead of yourself.

Yes, as I said so do we. However if he had another child the CMS would have to come out of his half of the disposable income.

Well, it doesn’t get back dated, it’s based on how much money he earns AND how many other dependents he has (3). So the figure being asked for, is wrong.

you can go online and work it out yourself however. Just a few clicks. Anonymous and free.

Welcome to Mumsnet lol

I feel for you OP. What a shock for you.

But I think it says a lot for him that he told you straight away and hasn't tried to hide anything from you. That shows that he considers that you're a team.

its definitely creepy. Over invested responders to posts who are desperate to catch the original poster out by trawling through her posting history. Not exactly normal Friday night behaviour. What happened to Midsummer Night Murders, a takeaway and a glass of wine?

If he ex knows where he works cold details be discovered from that alone?

Because they get his details from HMRC. They don’t need to speak to him. He can then update them on any other children he has to reduce the claim.

They’re not using it for context, they’re using it is as a stick to beat the OP with. She’s done nothing wrong.

Lol she hasn't said her children's ages. Theyve been together 4 years, their eldest may be 2 or even 18 months, thats not an "incredibly" short space of time

Dump her kids father? Yeah, wouldn't be anyone's first choice. Would you break your kids family over this?!

How have you worked that out. She hasn't said how old her children are. Just that they've been together 4 years

That must have been a shock, OP. I know it’s hard, but I’d try to take this step by step and hold off the emotional processing as long as you can; stage 1 is practicalities. He needs to get a paternity test, and if the child is his he’ll need to make sure CMS has updated info about his income & other children. They as a couple you’ll have to adjust budget to pay it.

From a relationship side… None of us can know how truthful he is being with you (and himself) about not having any idea until this letter arrived. Do look out for yourself and your children by trying to be objective about any indicators that there are holes in his story… you don’t need to assume the worst, but don’t stick your head in the sand either. Once the practical steps are done, it will be time to talk about relationships. Does he want to pursue visitation? Do the two of you decide to raise your DC knowing they have a half sibling, or wait to tell them later? The upside of your kids being so young is that you do have a chance to make it a thing they just always knew, rather than a bombshell.

Good luck. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, especially while pregnant.

Also…

There are a lot of comments about why the mum waited so long and even some rather nasty anti-woman ones about how women shouldn’t be allowed to claim CMS after years have passed. That’s sad to see on a women’s forum. There are many reasons women may wait - her financial circumstances might have changed, the relationship with the father might have been so bad that the mother didn’t want him in her life, she might be risking loss of family or community support by identifying the man as the father, she have been in another relationship and thought the father was someone else, a controlling or abusive new partner, etc. And yes, she may have just been angry and acting on that. It doesn’t matter, and we don’t have a time limit on filing for CMS because CMS is about the child. Not the mum, not the dad, not anyone’s new partner. The child has a right to financial support from both parents, and we don’t take that right from them to punish their mother for keeping a secret or not filing paperwork.

Or there's a possibility the first 2 could be twins...

I had 2 kids with a man before we had even been together for a year. A lot of people on this thread would have had a meltdown 🤣

Oh we then had a third before 4 years together and now have four kids. Shocking 😂

They need quite specific details to get information from HMRC, not just his name if that is all his ex knew it is possible this claim took years to reach him and also possible the payments can be backdated to the date the claim was opened. Especially if he changed address, and/or jobs and she didn't know this information if they only dated briefly.

He will be liable to pay for the DNA test, if he's not the father CMS will refund that cost.

His gross weekly income will be reduced by 16% for 3 children living with him, that will be the income used to calculate the CMS payment for his first child.

The EOW and one night arrangement used by so many father's reduces the CMS payment by 14%. If the child is his he will need to pay regardless. He might need to find a better paying job.

Your income isn't used and you may have to consider that you will need to increase hours, shorter maternity etc to provide for your 3 children too.

It does matter.

Because it has an impact on any future children the man goes on to have. And if the man doesn't know he has a child because the mother hasn't chosen to tell him, then mother of the child has to take full responsibility for that.

Like in this situation. Had this woman said something sooner or made the claim sooner the man and the OP may not have chosen to have a fourth child who they now will struggle to afford. All of the children in this mess will now be financially worse off as a result of this woman from 5+ years ago not saying anything.

That is understandable in cases of abuse but in all other circumstances the woman needs to take responsibility. Choosing to not tell a man he has a child and then blowing his life apart years later because your financial situation has changed isn't ok.

No.

It doesn’t matter to CMS, it doesn’t change what OP and her partner will need to do, and no one on this forum or anywhere else has any business judging because we have no idea what her circumstances are or were. The mother has taken responsibility for 5 years on her own. And now she’s still doing right by her child in seeking CMS for them.

There is no way to account for what you want to in the law without setting up a system that favors abusers, re-traumatizes abuse victims, and actively discourages women from pursuing financial support on behalf of their children. In the vast majority of cases it will be difficult or impossible to prove abuse happened years in the past and forcing women to try or let their children go without is unbelievably harmful.

CMS is about providing for the child. It’s not a punishment or a reward for either parent. The child in question isn’t less important than OP’s children under the law and nor is OP or her partner.

The OP only says they have been together 4 years not that they have only know each other 4 years. They could have been life long friends starting a family in their late 30 or early 40 where they can't wait 10 years to start.

OP start with a DNA test and decide what you want to work towards regarding contract does he wants the child to be part of your lives and can you support that.

As a mum of a boy I don't agree with men having to cough up for kids they didn't know existed or didn't want but that's an argument for another thread. I do wonder if she has found out about yours kids and decided she wants the money or has some other man been raising the child thinking it's his and they have now split up.

Well said.

I'm not suggesting it will in any way affect things from a CMS point of view.

If women do this in cases outside of abusive relationships I personally think it's unreasonable.

I would just hope most women would be more sensible to not cause situations like this one where all children involved are now economically disadvantaged. It is the children who suffer in this.

We're talking about men (and their partners) to somehow financially plan for any number of unknown children who could be out there because the mothers have kept them secret.

Not that it is anyone's business, but we have been together 4 years yes, but have been friends for 15 years. Glad that's cleared up.

Yes my partner has an IVA, and we were in a tough spot. We are PRIVATELY renting, not off the council like someone has posted. Not that it matters. Financially we are better off than we have ever been, DP is paid very well thankfully. I also work part time.
When I said we couldn't afford it, we will manage, just. Doesn't mean it wouldn't be stressful for us as a family. We planned this 3rd child as we could afford it comfortably. Obviously this bomb has now been dropped on us which changes our financial situation. But it is what it is. Of course what matters most is the children, we will make it work.

Thank you everybody that left kind, helpful comments. Those that were rude, vile, judgmental.. I could go on.
Go f**k yourselves.

I've asked for this thread to be deleted.

God, everyone going on at the OP like she’s a feckless rabbit. Her two kids might be twins? And a second or third pregnancy, whether planned or not, is hardly unheard of.

She didn’t plan her family in the knowledge there was an existing child.

He probably didn’t either. If he did, he’s despicable because OP should have had that information.

As for insisting that OP integrate this child into her family life. Bollox. If it’s his, he will have to pay, no two ways about it. But honestly, I don’t think even he is obliged to have a relationship with the child. My most unpopular, bad feminist opinion is the woman has a choice over her pregnancy, and if that choice is to keep it despite it resulting from a casual relationship that is now finished, it’s not fair to place any expectations on the father beyond his legal obligations.