DP received letter for CMS

[lockdownbabyx]

My partner and I have been together for 4 years and have 2 children and another on the way.
Today he received a letter from CMS saying he owes child maintenance for a child he has never known about. This child is now 5 years old.

Obviously a dna test will need to be done anyway, but where do we stand with this?

I'm so upset and confused, literally found out I was pregnant again yesterday 😭

Nope. Presumptions.

It’s a fairly safe assumption that they had their children after they got together…

I agree that I presumed her children were after they 'got together' so under 4. But later post says they've known each other 15 years, so could be older I suppose. But I think
OP would have said if that's the case. However, I don't understand what it matters.

Though other than the CMS payments, I'm struggling to get what exactly the OP's question is.

Yes I would be prepared to break up the family “over this.” You make it sound like him having a child is no big deal. While he has done nothing wrong (so we think), it’s naive to think that life won’t be difficult and strained now. And I don’t just mean financially.
You think her aborting a wanted pregnancy is a good solution to their problems. As if that wouldn’t cause problems in itself.

And this is why we have any number of men who consider that all things children are women's responsibility: women prepared to stand up for men's rights over and above their own.

And if we actually look at it properly - it's the child who is coming after his father's income. No one else. I mean, why on earth would anyone suggest that a father shouldn't make a financial contribution towards the upkeep of his children?

And yet here we are. There is no fucking hope, is there?

So what? it’s not just about money. A man and his child have missed out on knowing each other for 5 years because of this woman’s actions

'it's not just about the money' is incredibly easy to say when it's not you with sole responsibility for providing for children.

Yes, I agree, it is wrong a child has missed out on knowing their father. But there are a whole host of reasons that might have happened, some of them less nefarious than others. The most likely, in my opinion, is that the mother concerned believed someone else was the father and that has recently been proven not to be the case. Regardless of what the mother's motives may have been, she now would like the father to make a contribution to the child's upbringing. There isn't anything at all unreasonable about that. Assuming he's the father. And there's a foolproof way of proving that, isn't there?

He says she blocked him, people don't go round blocking the man that just knocked them up for no reason so CLEARLY something happed. You spouted shit about women can only do this if there is 'abuse' but for all you know there is, she might know stuff about him or have seen him do dangerous stuff or for all we know its a lie and he abandoned her and is you know lying to his girlfriend to look the victim... you don't know the story.

Women don't choose the hard option for no reason though.

You have decided based on a 3rd hand account of someone that knows absoloutly nothing about that relationship at all (literally not knowing is the point of this thread) that this man is pure innocence even though that make no logical sense.

The fact she is claiming now after coping alone for year rather than seeking help shows its likely because she HAS to, as in she NEEDS the money for the CHILD. The childs literal needs comes first over any adults wants.

We obviously disagree on this. I can only speak for myself, and I'd choose my living children and partner over an early pregnancy. It's ok to disagree, but don't shame abortion.

Calm down.

I’m just going to say this again because in typical mumsnet fashion, despite absolutely NOTHING to indicate it whatsoever you’re suggesting this woman’s DP is abusive, is a criminal, and a liar.

unbelievable that in this situation where there’s no reason currently to think the man involved has done anything wrong and yet posters are still using it as an opportunity to bash men

Based ON THE INFORMATION WE HAVE I think the woman who waited 5 years to tell a man he’s got a child is unreasonable.

Not shaming abortion one bit. But she didn’t ask for advice on whether she should have an abortion or not. It looks like she wants to make it all work and keep her baby. So why even suggest abortion to her?

I’m all for it being an option and have nothing against it. I had one 7 years ago. But I still don’t go around suggesting it unless it’s what the woman has specifically asked about otherwise it’s just rude.

Oh, and you’re telling me not to shame abortion which I absolutely wasn’t. Well you don’t shame women’s choices to end a relationship so that she is happier/ out of a difficult situation. Don’t shame her for “breaking up her children’s family”.

To be honest OP didn’t ask about whether she should have an abortion or whether she should leave her partner. So you and I are just as bad as each other.

I'm shocked by this. It takes two people to make a baby. Why should the mother pay for everything?

Because women choose to struggle alone for zero reason and then come out just to ruin poor men's lives.

I'm not saying he is an abuser, I'm say there is clearly something more. He apparently admitted it ended with blocking and complete NC so obviously SOMETHING happened serious enough to make this woman choose the harder option to avoid this man. It will not be for 'funsies'.

We have ZERO real of first hand information let alone an unbias view of both sides. This thread is from neither party involved and the closest we have to info is the OP saying he admitted knowing this woman and her blocking him (which would be an odd thing for OP to lie about so seems likely true).

Regardless of that you are STILL missing the point that what is UNREASONABLE is a child going without food, heat, housing etc... because a guy doesn't want to be inconvenienced. Its not remotely about the mam or dad its solely about the innocent CHILD.

I can understand that u r upset and confused OP. I'm also confident that you will want what is in the best interests of the child and that includes maintenance.
If your partner is the child's father, I hope you can find it in u to include them in your family.
Such alot for you to digest right now. Take care

Whilst the mother has to find everything to support child which I can guarantee is more than 12% of her income??????

Not saying it’s fair but an out of the blue demands for 12% is rather much more of a shock than preparing for 9months for a child.

Op has said she has two children under three and is pregnant with a third.

No she hasn't. Shes said they have 2 children and 1 on the way. Theres no indication of how quickly she got pregnant and its also irrelevant.

Given the OP has asked for the thread to be deleted, many hours later it still hasn't been, but may yet?! She's probably not inclined to come back to it, so perhaphs we should all just let it drop now.

@lockdownbabyx if you're still reading, Good Luck with everything.

the op has said she has two children under three. It is really odd you have fixated on this. I cannot work out why. It was obvious the children were going to be under 5 anyway and she has said herself they are under three, But what does it matter?

I'm sorry you've had so many unpleasant replies @lockdownbabyx . Too many people seem hellbent your DP knew all along and has dodged the child's DM. In truth we don't know why it's taken five years for her to appear and none of this is your fault.

I think it comes from the ‘where do we stand with this’ as that implied they were going to fight paying it.

No she hasn't, please show where she's said it. So I'm fixated, but you replying isn't fixated?

People have made many assumptions on this thread, including saying she jumped into bed with her partner and got pregnant straight away. When there's no way of knowing how quickly she got pregnant when she hasn't said their ages.

Exactly and if she did get pregnant straight away why are people so bloody bothered? It’s weird. Maybe the mum of the 5 year old got pregnant quickly too.

I mean, i could do the advanced search again and screen shot the post where op said that she has two children under three, but Im not going to do that as it would be a massive waste of my time. How about you do the advanced search and read through the op’s posts on her very difficult journey to having two children and this current pregnancy? It would make more sense, since you are the one who has made an assumption that op has never said that on any posts in mumsnet ever, and you are the one arguing with people that op has never said that. Like I said, it is really odd that this is what you have fixated on. Op has had a difficult journey to motherhood with her current partner of 5 years, and now, newly pregnant and hormonal has this news. Her children are very young. Why do you want them to be older than the length of her relationship? Ask yourself, because i for one am quite bored of you, why that matter to you. What issue are you projecting?

@Wolframandhart the OP has posted 4 times on this thread. Not once has she said her children are all under 3. Oh course they probably are due to the timeline but she's not said it on this, her current thread. Which is quite clear that poster you're attempting to argue with is referring to. I'd suggest holding back on calling other posters 'fixated' on this when point when you're the one doing advanced searches on the OP's posting history.