DP received letter for CMS

[lockdownbabyx]

My partner and I have been together for 4 years and have 2 children and another on the way.
Today he received a letter from CMS saying he owes child maintenance for a child he has never known about. This child is now 5 years old.

Obviously a dna test will need to be done anyway, but where do we stand with this?

I'm so upset and confused, literally found out I was pregnant again yesterday 😭

Wow the vitriol here is unbelievable. Keep in mind that 3 of these children are with the OP and she is presumably a willing partner in the matter. It's not like he made the children by himself. None of you would be having a go if the OP had 3 children in 4 years. (I have 2 younger siblings I was born in late 1975, my DB in early 1977 and my DS in early 1979 - it's not that unusual for children to be close in age.)

Secondly Child Maintenance can see income from HMRC so they will have an idea of earnings before being in touch.

Thirdly it's not as if he cheated on the OP - if the child is already 5 the deed was done at least 5 years and 9 months ago which is well over a year and a half before he met OP.

It's a big shock and it's sad he missed the first 5 years of his child's life but it will all have to be sorted out with CMS. All these negative comments are hardly helpful to the OP are they? She needs a bit of support not to see her DP completely slated.

Jesus Christ is it judgement day on MN or something?

Whether this man does or doesn’t know that he has a child, to say that someone must have known that a gf they had stopped seeing was pregnant is naive in the extreme. Because a man can have sex, and if the woman leaves his life it’s possible for him to never find out, and it’s possible for the woman to withhold this fact from him.

My cousin’s DS split from his gf and she failed to tell him she’d had a child by him until the child was two years old. Fuck knows why she suddenly decided to but there we are. And they didn’t move in the same friendship circles after they split so there was no way of him knowing.

And let’s be honest, plenty of women sleep with more than one man and end up not knowing who the father of their children is.

People are judging the man for having four children in 5 years, three of which are with his current partner. No judgement for the current partner for having three kids in four years then? he should get the snip? Really? I imagine it’s only a matter of time before someone suggests that the OP should have a termination to accommodate this unknown child.

If the woman genuinely withheld the child with him for five years then she and only she is to blame. And tbh I don’t think she should be able to claim maintenance in those circumstances. (I’m talking strictly about someone having a child and withholding that fact from the father until they decide not to).

ultimately I would absolutely be demanding some answers from him as to whether he knew/how much he knew, and a DNA test is essential. Only after the DNA result comes back can you decide how to go forward. I’d be aiming for access leading up to 50/50 if I were him. It can happen over time.

@Worrieduser1976

The speed they found him suggests to me he's already on their books. Sorry you're going through this OP and I hope you don't become another woman chasing for CMS.

"The speed they found him"? The child is five. You have no idea if it took them five days, weeks, months or years to find OP's partner...

The DNA test will sort this for you.

@Worrieduser1976 how do you know what "speed" they found him? Could have taken them five years to get this far...

As a couple you will need to tighten your belts and/or change your lifestyle to financially support the child.

This could barely sound more gleeful.

Get the DNA test, and then get your head around it. But I'd brace yourself for the possibility it's not the first he's heard about this.

Pitiful, isn't it? At least the OP can take comfort from the fact that, even if her DP has to pay, it won't be anything like half the actual cost of raising a child.

If he’s the father he’ll need to pay. Have a look at the CMS calculator.

https://child-maintenance.dwp.gov.uk/calculate/details/will-you-be-paying-or-receiving-child-maintenance-payments

The fact that he lives in a home with 2 (soon to be 3) children will reduce the payment he’d have to make.

I’m so sorry, this was also my life.

I was pregnant with my second child, and husband working away that week, when we got a CMS request for a teenager.

It broke my heart as I knew nothing about it.

He denied it, but had a very expensive Child support ordered DNA test, it was about £500. And of course it said he was the father.

So he had to pay for this teenager.

His parents knew about it, so that ruined our relationship too.

It made me very bitter for years.

And much worse off. Life is very unfair, on that child and her mother too.

I wish you every happiness and good luck in the future.

Literally the first line of the OP

He needs to tell them that he wasn't aware of the pregnancy or birth of the child and wants a DNA test to prove paternity. If paternity is proved he'll have to pay the amount that child maintenance tells him. It doesn'tatgee if he can afford it he has a responsibility to financially provide for his child. He is going to have to look at where he can trim the fat.

Tell me you’ve not just offered that bit of ‘advice’? Fucking hell

So, lots of people want/have 3 kids & some want them close in age. Their choice. I could do a parachute jump with your judgey pants

Yes, lots of people do have children close in age. Within the same family. Not to different women.

It sounds like this man has irresponsibly had a kid with one person then had another kid to the OP before his first kid was even one year old. It's disgraceful on his part.

I'd question how well the OP really knows this boyfriend, he hardly sounds like a good upstanding chap.

Gosh, what a shock. I'd probably be livid but it's one of those situations where there isn't a correct person to be angry with.

Yes to the DNA test and subsequent engagement with CMS. Then at least you have all the facts on what your husband owes and what he'll have to pay going forward.

The fact you only found out you are pregnant recently feels like awful timing, but frankly it IS better finding out early in your pregnancy. You can perhaps plan better knowing your outgoings etc through mat leave and essentially if your family unit can afford another baby.

Tough decisions all around, and I'd say it's pretty bloody legitimate to feel angry right now. But try to keep in mind that this child deserves as much of your DH's attention and resources as each of your children do.

I'm sorry you're going through this - it must have been one hell of a shock

Ultimately, if he's the father then he won't have a choice - he'll need to pay. Hopefully you get an answer sooner rather than later.

I rather think that's up to the OP & her DP. Wanting 3 kids, close in age isn't exactly unusual. 🙄🙄

Some judgy replies. 👀. I have exes that I haven’t looked up since splitting up. If they’d gone to have babies I wouldn’t have had a clue. OP’s h said it ended badly and he was blocked and for all we know he was happy about that and left it in the past until CMS contacted him.

There’s lots of mums on here who don’t collect CMS from their ex. The reasons vary but maybe mum is finding it hard to finance the child alone or maybe the child is at an age where they are asking about their father and OP thinks that he should be contributing too? Maybe “things that ended badly” is a polite way to say there was abuse ? Lots of mums on here don’t claim CM because they think that dad will want contact in return.

Condoms aren’t 100% so always using condoms doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s not the father.

As otjhers have said DNA then a chat about how to make your family finances work (shorter maternity leave etc) . CMS is a minimum amount to pay so he has to pay that amount (if it’s correct )

Sorry you came on here for support and advice and have had such horrible replies from a lot of people. I hope you're ok, it must have been a big shock for you.

How well do you actually know him @lockdownbabyx ? Because, it kinda seems like you got pregnant by him very quickly, and have then spent the next few years pregnant or in recovery from giving birth. That clouds your ability to get to know him as a person rather than just as a couple dealing with newborns and toddlers.

Just, be careful. And don’t believe everything he tells you about this other child until you’ve checked for yourself.

The figure they are asking for won’t have considered the two other children your DP has so that will reduce it significantly and it would reduce again when your baby is born.

If your DP is actually the father. Hopefully for both of you he won’t be. It’s awful that women can do this and the law needs to catch up. If you hide a pregnancy and then decide to go ahead with it alone, the law should not support you in screwing someone else out of money.

Don't cms calculate the amount based on the father's income? Minus a percentage for other kids?

Very poor descision making all round. Sounds like they were together months before getting pregnant with the first then popping more out one after the other. Hopefully it works put between the two of them but it isn't likely, they barely knew one another when they ended up stuck together.