To think the less you do the less you cope?

[Breezyyi]

Maybe I’m being unkind. But I am at my wits end with my sister. She’s a few years older in her early thirties . We both have one child and she is pregnant with her second. Her first now 3.5 has been in nursery every day, she collects at 3pm and then takes her to my parents for her dinner. She does one bedtime a week and parter does all others as she feels she can’t as she is 26 weeks pregnant. She doesn’t work and hasn’t since first was born.

In contrast, my husband works away a lot. I work full time. I obviously have to do everything for dd. All get ups, nursery runs, dinners, bedtimes etc. my parents would step in if I needed but my sibling seems to need it so much more than I tend to just do my own thing!

AIBU to think this isn’t the fact she can’t cope but more that she’s used to not coping and has made things harder for herself by not getting on with it? I don’t know… I realise I am being judgemental but the mind boggles as to how you can do so little parenting, not work and need huge support.

Do you enjoy being a martyr? Perhaps, she doesn’t. We have a big family and, honestly, I don’t think anyone did much lone parenting. I spent a lot of time as a child with my grandparents, great aunt and my aunt. When my cousins were born, they similarly travelled between houses and I did nursery pick ups for my cousins as a teenager. My cousin is an adult now and they are expecting their first child in Summer and, I imagine there will be plenty of “village” upbringing still. It’s a wonderful way to grow up if the opportunity is there.
It’s also wonderful that the dad does so much for the kids. Most men don’t. My partner has a child from a previous relationship and he was effectively a single dad for the first year of her life due to his ex having PND. Their bond is amazing and he is still there at the drop of a hat to do school pick ups and GP appointments even though she lives 75 miles away. Whats wrong with that?
You don’t have to do everything alone. You chose to and that’s a legitimate choice to make. It is also OK to make other choices. And well done to your sister for refusing to single-handedly carry the parenting load.

Well, she sounds helpless, yes, but different people have entirely different capacities. Plus, if she’s pregnant, maybe she feels ghastly? I only have one child, so no idea how I’d have dealt with being as morning sick and SPD-ish as in my first pregnancy, but with a pre-schooler.

@Catza I suppose if I was to leave dd with parents after nursery I would feel I didn’t see her much. They’d happily have her. I don’t think I would want to miss that, but you’re right it perhaps does make me a martyr! I don’t blame my sister for asking for support but I do think it means her resilience is less … the days my parents aren’t around or nursery is closed she really struggles as it’s such a one off.

Are you sure that she struggles or is this tactical incompetence?

@Snorlaxo 😂 not sure actually! She is a really good mum. I’m always surprised at the way she gets stressed very fast and I do think there’s something in it where if you are forced to cope you magically do

I agree to a large extent. Once you are in the swing of anything you figure out how to cope.

But I guess why should she 'cope"? I think people are often happier living in an extended family type arrangement than our tiny nuclear pockets.

I wish we didn't all have to spend so much time parenting alone

Resilience is not something that comes by pushing through. It comes from growing up and living in a supportive environment and knowing you have people who will catch you if you fall. I work with people who have an unexpected and debilitating health condition and those who have supportive families are more emotionally resilient, more likely to accept their diagnosis and more likely to adapt to the new pace of living and to ask for help. Those who are used to being the first port of call for everyone else and lived as though the buck always stopped with them do struggle massively with change in circumstances and are riddled with guilt when they can no longer do things without support. Humans are community creatures but inter-dependence became a dirty word in the modern (western) society. We even know that people elsewhere in the world who live in inter-dependent communities have better health outcomes. It’s worth thinking about…

Maybe she feels like total shit and needs the extra support right now? Maybe she's taking advantage of the fact that she has a partner who is willing to pull his weight every day?

(Maybe you're a bit jealous because she can afford not to have to work, and your partner is doing less than hers? No shade if that's the case; we'd all feel the same)

"I wish we didn't all have to spend so much time parenting alone"

Well said @SweetSakura

You’re being unreasonable to make comparisons. You are two individuals. Stop looking down on her.

It does read as though she has it pretty easy, to be honest.

Is it just a temporary pregnancy related thing? I was like death warmed up when pregnant with no 2, spent most of it feeling exhausted and would have accepted any help offered.

I’m with you, OP. And the more time you spend with your children, the easier (barring SEN, and even then…) you find them because you (should) have routines, and you get to know them as people and how to manage them. I’d feel the same as you.

I do actually agree with this, i think its a huge factor in the mental health crisis and why people struggle to recover from an episode of poor mental health. A period doing less makes it harder to get back in the habit of doing more but its also very infantilising and gives you a feeling of impotency, helplessness & low self esteem. That feeling then worsens your mental health and it becomes a cycle you can't break.

It's why prevention and quick access to help are so important. The last 20 years have irreparably damaged a generation of people who, through poor living standards, lack of access to support, community breakdown have been left trapped in this cycle.

I agree, it’s like if you want something doing ask a busy person. I see it time and time again in my circle, the less you do the bigger a deal the things you do do become.

What a great post. Resilience is knowing you have someone to catch you if you fall. Beautifully put.

That's not a term I've heard before @Snorlaxo but I find it much more fitting than 'learned helplessness' which still places the onus on others for the behaviour!

I have ASD and ADHD I haven’t worked for
many many years now . When I had dc I just couldn’t do both anymore and had a complete breakdown and I’m still in autistic burnout now.

I don’t think it changes the meaning at all, unless you see ‘helplessness’ as more appealing/endearing/innate than ‘incompetence’?

But why are you at your wits end? Why does it bother you?

I do think the less you do, the less you can do. But the older I get the more I realise there is little reward for wearing yourself out, and the friends who have "slacked off" (as I told myself through gritted teeth) have enjoyed very pleasant lives and continue to do so. Maybe instead of raising an eyebrow, I should have taken a leaf out of their book I stead if being so pleased with my own industriousness and efficiency!

No, you are not being unkind or a martyr.
People get comfortable very quickly.
Most of younger generation should toughen up, for their own good.

I get where you're coming from, I have friends whose kids are in full time wrap around care to accommodate commutes, they seem miserable because they don't know how to manage the child at other times, it's hard to build up skills and a bond enough in the time they have. Weekends are full of classes etc so another adult is in charge a lot of the time then too.

On the other hand, what you describe sounds a bit like the extended SE Asian families who live near me, childcare is basically communal and the extended family is always gathering at one or other of the houses. It seems nice.

Maybe your sister has some mental or physical condition you don't know about? Do you ever spend time with just you, her and the kids?

This. I think she's she's genius. She has peace and quiet, time to herself, food cooked for her child, grandparent time, peace at bedtime as someone else's doing it .

I think the balance between pushing or challenging yourself through work, or through other activities such as sport or hobbies, and getting enough downtime/relaxation/rest is quite delicate, and won't be the same for everyone. I don't think judging others helps either, much as you might find it frustrating. 😬

Totally disagree. For me, resilience is being able to catch myself if I fall. A lot of people have no one to catch them, that doesn’t make them less resilient, it often makes them more so.