To think the less you do the less you cope?

[Breezyyi]

Maybe I’m being unkind. But I am at my wits end with my sister. She’s a few years older in her early thirties . We both have one child and she is pregnant with her second. Her first now 3.5 has been in nursery every day, she collects at 3pm and then takes her to my parents for her dinner. She does one bedtime a week and parter does all others as she feels she can’t as she is 26 weeks pregnant. She doesn’t work and hasn’t since first was born.

In contrast, my husband works away a lot. I work full time. I obviously have to do everything for dd. All get ups, nursery runs, dinners, bedtimes etc. my parents would step in if I needed but my sibling seems to need it so much more than I tend to just do my own thing!

AIBU to think this isn’t the fact she can’t cope but more that she’s used to not coping and has made things harder for herself by not getting on with it? I don’t know… I realise I am being judgemental but the mind boggles as to how you can do so little parenting, not work and need huge support.

weird double post!!

My dad always told me that if you want something doing, take it to the busiest person in the office. That theory has been surprisingly accurate throughout my career. I have two sisters. One is super busy, responsible job, long hours, two adopted children with special needs. Handles stress like she handles a cold - she's relentless. Other sister is a great mum and in many ways I'm even closer to her (same sense of humour, lives close by) but she cannot cope with multi tasking, has few responsibilities and always complains about how busy she is. She actually just lacks organisation and planning skills (I suspect she has adhd). So based on nothing other than my own experience, I would say yanbu op!

Everyone has different capacity and you do not know what is going on in anyone's head. How does it impacts you ?

You are totally right. I have a routine which is chill and my husband was away for a week. I thought it will be though but it was totally fine. I was much busier than usual but survived and realised I can do it. I just don't do as I don't have to. She has found a routine that works for her. She surely can do more ... but why would she? :)

I think that you are being very unfair. I have had two pregnancies. My first I was completely exhausted, nauseous, and just bloody cranky the whole way through, the second I didn't experience nearly as many symptoms to the point I almost didn't fully believe that I was pregnant. If your parents are happy to help then I honestly don't think it is any of your business. Also think of the love and care that your niece is the recipient of right now. It almost sounds like you want your sister to fail.

Same dynamic with my sister and me. She has only ever worked 3 days a week, term time with one child who went to the gym creche and then nursery on her 2 days off. She also went to my Mums for dinner every night. I had 4 kids and worked FT in a very senior corporate role.....and 25 years later she is radiant, calm and happy with all of the yoga, meditation, facials, self care that she invested in herself whilst I have totally burnt out, look like shit and its a good day if I brush my teeth. My 'resilience' was finite. Dont be me.

I subscribed to the same notion and ended up in severe burnout and unable to do much of anything for quite some time. I think it doesn't really apply if you have chronic illnesses or neurodiversity. Maybe your sister has chosen this lifestyle because she knows she wouldn't "cope" with yours. I've got a set up where I WFH with a very supportive husband, and one child. It's not like all that happened by luck, I've spent a very long time and taken a lot of wrong turns in the process of carefully putting things together in order to make a life that I can live, and even then, it's precarious to maintain.

I would much rather be you.

She sounds lazy and she's putting a lot of pressure on your parents. I hope she isn't have a second child for them to rear for her too.

Why are you 'at your wits end'? What does she do that affects you in such a way that you would be this frustrated with her?

You sound like a martyr to be honest, you don't seek out help because you feel that would make you seem needy, but you resent her for seeking out help, even though the outcome of her neediness is the people in her life get to spend more time with her children.

Bottom line, you've made different choices in life, there's no right or wrong answer, there's no point being jealous over things you can't or more importantly won't change, you've decided what's important to you and she's decided what's important to her.. why do you find that so upsetting?

You say you don’t get overwhelmed but you have said you are at your wits end with your sister, when it doesn’t even affect you. I think you get overwhelmed more than you’re letting on, as you wouldn’t be here slagging off your sister, getting others to join in, in order to try to make yourself feel better.

At least you’ve admitted your jealous. Make your own life better rather than being a bitch about your sister.

That's what I was told too, and I've likewise found it to be pretty accurate both in family and business/employment life.

I think people have different capacities and you generally find they do what they can manage.
Someone who is a neurotypical extrovert with a lot if energy might look at someone with a lot less responsibilities as lazy but they are often doing just what they can manage. I can manage a busy few days but I am often burnt out afterwards. I could not sustain a very busy life full of responsibilities long term.
I think just give people grace. They are most often doing the best they can.

I totally agree op. At times in my life when I've had huge demands on me and no time/money/help I have coped and coped well, because I had to.
At other times when I've had less to think about or action I find even the slightest issue that arises stresses me out to the nth degree. My coping ability falls off a cliff.

I think people fall in to two categories in general-those who deal with what's in front of them and well and those that can't. A sort of fight or flight/hide thing if you like

I think you have it back side first. People who aren't coping do less.

No, I feel your pain OP. My husband and I worked hard to get decent jobs. Combined with the stress of fertility treatments. We have friends who choose not to work and keep growing their families while complaining about how stressed they are. It's a complete joke.

But maybe she’s feeling the pregnancy if you know what I mean? My friend was exhausted with her pregnancy for the whole thing whereas I was with each until a certain point then fine until the last few weeks. I don’t think you can ever truly compare two people

WanOvaryKenobi · Today 12:13

No, I feel your pain OP. My husband and I worked hard to get decent jobs. Combined with the stress of fertility treatments. We have friends who choose not to work and keep growing their families while complaining about how stressed they are. It's a complete joke.
People can get stressed over money health relationships, situations… are you saying people who don’t work can never ever moan?!

I agree to a large extent. My mother is now in her 80s, but pretty much “gave up” on life approx 15 years ago when she hit 70. She barely left her village, stopped travel unless we pick up/drop off, stopped looking after her home, stopped looking for new opportunities to interact with people. Now, she’s completely overwhelmed by the most mundane things because her life has shrunk so much. It’s so sad.

Maybe if they are stressed about money they could get jobs? People who work also have life stress - choosing not to work removes work stress.

Of course they can moan about stress. But if the stress is because of your own making ie choosing not to work or use contraception, then I have limited sympathy.

I have a sister who’s not very good at coping and never has been. She has very low self-esteem, no confidence and not much energy. I think it all stems from her fragile mental health.

I think it also depends on the various personality types involved.

For ex. I'm a self-sufficient, independent type, so is my mother.
She would never be the doting granny, I think through 3 kids she looked after them as pre-schoolers 2X.

Some grans are so possessive of their GC, give them an inch kind of possessive, and some sons in law are just as possessive and rebel against pushy GMs, which ultimately creates friction between everyone.

If your sister is happy with the arrangements, and her surrounding family is too, then she's on to something good for all concerned.

I have no bad feelings myself, being an only, with parents that were basically hands-off when it came to little ones, but even now, I can't imagine someone else looking after my kids, it was something I totally wanted to do.

I do think it has made me very resilient over the years, more able to cope and multi-task than I would be if I'd not had those challenges, which were also happy times for me and my DH.

All I feel is jealousy. She has it perfect. FML.

I’ve always seen severe jealousy in women.

Theres an article that went around saying asking “Have you ever seen a truly relaxed woman?” and I just think it’s impossible because other women just wouldn’t have it. The scorn would be off the charts.

exactly this.

you can find them on cruise ships, they are over 70 and say no to everything everyone asks them to do without feeling guilty.