To think the less you do the less you cope?

[Breezyyi]

Maybe I’m being unkind. But I am at my wits end with my sister. She’s a few years older in her early thirties . We both have one child and she is pregnant with her second. Her first now 3.5 has been in nursery every day, she collects at 3pm and then takes her to my parents for her dinner. She does one bedtime a week and parter does all others as she feels she can’t as she is 26 weeks pregnant. She doesn’t work and hasn’t since first was born.

In contrast, my husband works away a lot. I work full time. I obviously have to do everything for dd. All get ups, nursery runs, dinners, bedtimes etc. my parents would step in if I needed but my sibling seems to need it so much more than I tend to just do my own thing!

AIBU to think this isn’t the fact she can’t cope but more that she’s used to not coping and has made things harder for herself by not getting on with it? I don’t know… I realise I am being judgemental but the mind boggles as to how you can do so little parenting, not work and need huge support.

I don’t know about you but I can vividly recall the wave of tiredness that used to hit at about 7pm when I was pregnant. It was like being hit by a truck.

Some bedtimes really don’t take very long, either, not that that’s the point. It takes ten mins to put our toddler down and my male partner quite likes doing it, will often volunteer and we share the bedtimes. I imagine if I were pregnant he’d be doing it most nights!

Why are you at your wits ends? Is it because you feel you should get more of this support in particular from your parents? I agree with the village posts. We don’t have much village. We pay for lots of help. I find many people comment on the level of help (oh I wish we could afford more regular cleaner) but often transpires they have regular family help (like taking their toddler for 24 hrs weekly) which I could only dream of. Perhaps you need to ask for more help!

So she doesn't work and her child is at nursery?

What is she doing during the day then??

I'm all for family support but she does sound like she's taking the piss. People do need to able able to take responsibility for managing their own lives and choices.

Unless this is a new situation due to her feeling really unwell during the pregnancy, she needs to get her act together.

What will she do when the baby arrives?

Sounds like she's lazy @Breezyyi .

Why is she having another ? Bet she wouldn't if she didn't have free childcare.

There is an old saying that I do agree with:

''If you want something doing well, get a busy person to do it''.

She's a lazy ass and is enabled by indulgent parents.

What does her husband think? Is he not expecting her to work and pull her weight?

This is actually true OP and happens due to our minds having ability for resilience.
That's why people in the past rarely complained despite having very hard lives. They developed resilience and lowered their expectations.

She's pregnant and probably knackered - I really don't see why so many people are offended by the fact that her partner has actually stepped up and taken over in the evenings 🤷‍♀️

How do you know they were resilient? Because they appeared that way on the surface?

Not asking for help or appearing to manage ok your own doesn't automatically make you resilient

Its about resiliance and some people just dont have it. either because they have never had to cope on their own or because its in their nature. The number of times I see posts about trivial things which say "worst day of my life" drives me nuts. worst day of your life is a child dying or your partner dying not your washing machine breaking down and you cant get it mended.

Too much helicopter parenting and its obvious the next generation are going to be even worse.

YANBU.

I think "little and often" is the way to building coping strategies, resilience, etc.

If you don't "do" much, then every little extra thing you have to do becomes a major issue, so if you get something big to cope with or several small things, you just don't have the "headspace" to cope, and there's the tendency to just shut down. Unfortunately, by leaving the small things, the number of things to do builds up so soon becomes overwhelming.

Far better to steadily do smaller things, not let anything build up, congratulate yourself on "small wins", improve your self confidence, and then you're in a better headspace to cope with the bigger and unexpected stuff that hits you.

Because it's what neuroscience confirms about our brains.

When you have a hard life and lots of challenges your threshold for negative emotions gets higher and your expectations get lower. Your brain wires according to environment.
I'm old enough to remember the generation of my grandparents who were born before second world war. It wasn't just about appearances at all.

The worst day of your life is the worst thing that’s happened to you not the worst thing that could ever happen. You are getting steamed up without understanding.

She's 26 weeks pregnant and maybe having a difficult time. The OP hasn't said.

I also wouldn't look at your set up and think 'amazing' - it sounds relentless and exhausting.

Totally disagree. For me, resilience is being able to catch myself if I fall. A lot of people have no one to catch them, that doesn’t make them less resilient, it often makes them more so

I completely agree with this. Having brought up 2 children, one with a severe learning disability, with absolutely no network or support at all - new area, no family or friends around - I've been congratulated more than once on getting through it as well as I did. It would have been a bloody sight easier if there'd been a granny or grandad or auntie around to help through the worst bits. But there wasn't. I can't see how having help from others whenever you need it can make you resilient.

Helpless? Your sister sounds hopeless. Why the heck is she having a 2nd child if she can't cope with one ??

I think it’s down to personalities. I’m a hard worker and never have had help with anything much. No extended family. Single parent. No money. I have two siblings who are awful to me- they are resentful and hostile.
At least you don’t have that to deal with. But the answer to the question is yes I think the more you do the more you cope.
It’s a bit like the saying if you want something done ask a busy person

I don't, but some may see learned helplessness as a 'aww bless poor lamb' whereas 'tactical incompetence' is the being lazy and purposely not doing things so others do for you.

I had an ex like this who just did less and less in his own life and couldn't seem to see the problem - thankfully we didn't live together, but he now has a really small world and can't seem to cope with anything different.

I know exactly what you mean OP! One of my close friends has 4 sets of grandparents doing loads for her which is great, not saying thats a bad thing at all. However, when one of them cant help her out, she goes into absolute free fall fretting about how she'll manage. She has one kid.

I have zero family help and two kids. I just have to get on with it. I am in no way saying this to be superior or to imply I am better in any way, shape or form, we are simply both the result of our circumstances is all. She's used to having lots of help, I am not.

As a result, it has made me very independent and resilient and I started a successful business from scratch. My friend often remarks to me she doesnt know how I could have done that as she wouldnt have the guts to do it and has at times seemed a tad envious.

The reason I have done it is entirely because I am used to just doing stuff without help and knowing I can manage situations off my own back gave me the confidence to start up a business in the first place. My friend is actually in an easier position to start a business if she so wished because she has loads of ample childcare available. However, I suspect that has actually worked against her in terms of her own self belief because she seems to now think she cannot do anything without the help of 4 other people in her life.

Just a hint but being a tad lazy never hurt anyone. On Sunday get up as late as you possibly can depending on the kids. My trick was to snuggle them in bed with me and put on kiddy tv. Guaranteed another half hour of sleep at least.
OP - I would maybe have a quiet word with your parents about minding the 3yo every evening. My parents did this for my sister ( I lived 2 hours away so not an option). My sister is until this day very reliant/co-dependent on my parents. They are very old now and its become a problem. So there are consequences. Tell your parents to pick a day that they cant have DGC. Once a week. Then move to 2 days a week. My parents had to do this. It worked out better but they were still so enmeshed it is hard even now, 20 years on.

When you have a hard life and lots of challenges your threshold for negative emotions gets higher and your expectations get lower. Your brain wires according to environment.

And you say that like it's a good thing? 😬

Yes, people can (and do) cope in some absolutely horrendous situations - but that doesn't mean that everyone should just struggle on and never ask for help or support.

I'm old enough to remember the generation of my grandparents who were born before second world war. It wasn't just about appearances at all.

And I suspect your grandparents (and mine) would have happily accepted help if it was available. Just because previous generations had no choice but to struggle on alone, it doesn't that that's the bar we should be setting for ourselves too.

Didn’t expect five pages replies! Will read over lunch break. Some people have suggested I am jealous… I think maybe I am? Maybe jealous of the free time/flexibility she has… I do enjoy working though and could stop work if I wanted (though couldn’t have the lifestyle I currently have).

So I’m not sure it’s jealously. It was more an observation about being able to cope more when you have no choice. Small things seem to overwhelm her and organising a day with her is really draining sometimes… she won’t travel at certain times etc or too far. Things I have no choice but to do so I don’t think twice about it and never get overwhelmed. It was more an observation that anything else!

@Catza i agree with your post but not the bit about resilience. Coping with difficult situations of course builds resilience. There may be other ways to build it but actually having to crack on is fundamental

This. She either needs the help, or enjoys the help, both are fine.

Just a hint but being a tad lazy never hurt anyone. On Sunday get up as late as you possibly can depending on the kids. My trick was to snuggle them in bed with me and put on kiddy tv. Guaranteed another half hour of sleep at least.
OP - I would maybe have a quiet word with your parents about minding the 3yo every evening. My parents did this for my sister ( I lived 2 hours away so not an option). My sister is until this day very reliant/co-dependent on my parents. They are very old now and its become a problem. So there are consequences. Tell your parents to pick a day that they cant have DGC. Once a week. Then move to 2 days a week. My parents had to do this. It worked out better but they were still so enmeshed it is hard even now, 20 years on.

Some people are more resilient than others. It's just the way of the world. Of course, being used to just getting on with things means being more 'able' to cope with them.

I can't imagine how she fills her time though, day in, day out with no work and no childcare to do. I'd go insane! Does she have a lot of hobbies?