To think the less you do the less you cope?

[Breezyyi]

Maybe I’m being unkind. But I am at my wits end with my sister. She’s a few years older in her early thirties . We both have one child and she is pregnant with her second. Her first now 3.5 has been in nursery every day, she collects at 3pm and then takes her to my parents for her dinner. She does one bedtime a week and parter does all others as she feels she can’t as she is 26 weeks pregnant. She doesn’t work and hasn’t since first was born.

In contrast, my husband works away a lot. I work full time. I obviously have to do everything for dd. All get ups, nursery runs, dinners, bedtimes etc. my parents would step in if I needed but my sibling seems to need it so much more than I tend to just do my own thing!

AIBU to think this isn’t the fact she can’t cope but more that she’s used to not coping and has made things harder for herself by not getting on with it? I don’t know… I realise I am being judgemental but the mind boggles as to how you can do so little parenting, not work and need huge support.

So she doesn’t work but her child goes to nursery each day then her parents?!

Does she like being a mum?!

Why is she having no 2??

What is wrong with being comfortable? Can you please spell out actual tangible benefits of toughening up? It's easy to give soundbites so let's thing more deeply about your statements. I am very interested to hear how being tough benefitted you and why I should do the same.

Sorry but I disagree. Resilience is developed through setting goals slightly out of your comfort zone, achieving them, realising you are capable of that, then taking that attitude/confidence to the next situation you encounter.

Supportive families can be an enabling factor if they give you the confidence to stretch yourself. They can also hold you back if they persuade you not to take risks and make life too friction free. Resilient people can come from supportive families and unsupportive ones, depending on the context.

Look at your own issues.

You’re ‘at your wits end’ with your sister, despite this being none of your business and not actually impacting you. That’s strange.

Also, in your position, I’d be more concerned about your husband not being around much meaning he doesn’t do much for his child instead.

“I do think there’s something in it where if you are forced to cope you magically do”

OP, this is true for some people, but for others, when they are ‘forced’ to cope with e.g. long hours, long commutes, stressful life events, loneliness, etc they don’t ’magically’ cope, they become unwell and unable to function at all. Bear in mind the people you see ‘coping’ with doing it all are the people who CAN. So it’s misleading to look around and say ‘well, all these people are coping, why can’t you?’

I agree that there seems to be an imbalance of support in OP’s family though, and maybe Dsis has taken it too far with the grandparent wraparound.

Folks are all different.

I have 4 DDs. Three of them are adults. They're all different. They're all good people but the way they go at life is ... all different.

One of them is so laid back she's almost horizontal, and that's her attitude to life. I sense her 2 adult sisters are frustrated with her sometimes - but with no particular reason i can work out other than 'she does things her way and always has'. Her life style is nice and it has no impact on theirs. Literally zero impact. I mostly think ''good for you, laid back DD''.

Maybe they're jealous of the life she's carved out with the exact same start as them. Maybe this is a sibling thing? I'm an only so i don't know.

Resilience is not something that comes by pushing through. It comes from growing up and living in a supportive environment and knowing you have people who will catch you if you fall.

Im not sure you understand what resilience is. It isnt confidence that other people will catch you if you fall. Its knowing you can pick yourself up if you do.

Its a mixture of:

• being able to recognise proportion and not think every small set back is a disaster
• having self help techniques established to prevent you panicking or help you overcome negative feelings
• problem solving skills
• a can do/positive attitude

Going through a set back can actually help build resilience because it makes you realise just how much you are capable of. If people always "catch you" it can preventing you developing an awareness of your own capacity

Its why generations who experience wars are often very resilient. They have a clear sense of proportion (losing your job is a fly on the windscreen when you've had your home bombed) and they learn they can do a lot when the survival of themselves and their children depend on it!

She has her routine, you have your routine. Provided everyone is happy I don't see the issue.

If you feel she is monopolising your parents time that's slightly different, but I don't think that's what you are saying. Unless that's at the root of this?

You?
Don't do anything. I'm not your advisor, this is my opinion I stand by.
Nothing wrong with being comfortable, however, if scared to be tough, then it's your loss.

I agree with you, I have a 2.5yr old, am 38 weeks pregnant and my partner works 6 days a week, my daughter goes to nursery 2 days a week while I work. No other help. You learn to manage.

On the other hand, if the help was available, I'd snap their hand off for it. I'm not about making my life harder, just dealing with the cards I've been dealt 😊

@Breezyyi your sister is def less resilient than you are. That stands you in good sted.

Be content you are managing well.

None of us know what's around the corner, so be grateful you have support if needed.

Your sister may get a wake up call too, who knows but her situ, unless it starts to negatively impact you, is hers. By all means be concerned that she needs so much help, but aim to drop being judgementaathit's not good for your mental wellbeing.

Nothing is wrong with being comfortable - in fact I feel more comfortable the more capable I am. Less on tenterhooks, less worried about things going wrong.

Also I’ve found that I don’t grow within my comfort zone. Doing stuff with your one wild and precious life is the whole point IMO. Getting out of my comfort zone has led me to so many things I wouldn’t have done otherwise - many are outing, but 2 tangible examples would be motherhood and my career. And then I can relax within my comfort zone happy in the knowledge that I can do more than that as well.

I think her set up is unusual. It’s pretty rare for a sahm to have a child in nursery every day and then need help for the evening. What does she actually do everyday? It’s one thing if this is temporary and she’s struggling with pregnancy in a major way but things aren’t going to get easier when the baby comes so I’d be worried she might not cope at that point.

I also agree with the view that the more you do, the more you can do. Some people faff about and make small tasks take an age to fill their time. I remember really vivedly one mum telling me she was so busy as she’d spent a day doing washing. That is the sort of stuff working parents or busy people just have to fit into their lives, not make it the focus of the day.

I can't comment on your sister, but I do think generally 'the less you do the less you cope' is true.

I'm a nanny and sometimes work with the incredibly wealthy who do nothing for themselves and their capacity to cope is non-existent. I've met women who think it's genuinely not physically possible for one person to put two children to bed, for example.

I think we see this in all walks of life.

We all know those kids who go to University unable to boil an egg or wash their clothes because they've never had to do it before and struggle compared to the kids who have been more independent.

It's seen in fathers who never change a nappy or get up in the night and then struggle if the mum is away/sick /leaves them and end up resorting to McDonalds and Disney parenting.

In many cases the best way to learn is to do, and that's the same for multitasking.

Perfectly put.

@Nospecialcharactersplease and @Chan9eusername
There is ample psychology research into resilience which empathises, among other things, connectedness (i.e. building a supportive community), asking for help, self-care, finding a purpose, and reframing your thinking. It is also relatively well-established that people with a supportive network are more likely to take risks. Supportive network does not mean someone discouraging you from taking risks. My family are very much risk-positive and I was pushed quite far beyond my comfort levels in my younger years but I also always knew that I can fail and it is OK to fail and my family will be there if I do. I would argue that families who are risk-averse are not part of "supportive framework" in the context of resilience research.
My argument stands. "Pushing through" does not develop resilience. Especially, if the individual lacks other "ingredients". It leads to burnout, maladjusted patterns of behaviour (drugs, alcohol, etc.), poor mental health and a host of other issues. A person can push through without being resilient i.e. without thinking positively, without having problem-solving skills, and without thinking every setback is a disaster. They can push through on autopilot. Until they no longer can.
More importantly though, we have to rethink our values of independence. Do we always have to be resilient by ourselves? Is it shameful to lean on others for support? If so, why?

It’s like anything - going to the gym, cleaning the house etc. The less you do, the harder it becomes to motivate yourself to do it. But I do think you should ask for more support. They say it takes a village so speak up. Your sister has her reasons I’m sure.

Perhaps your parents know your sister and her fallibility more than you do.

My DS is NT, my dd is high functioning ND (ADHD with autistic traits). Both hold down professional jobs. DD needs much more emotional support from me than DS and I imagine always will. From the outside, few would know. I am not sure she would have the emotional capacity to hold down a full-time professional job and juggle it with the demands of parent hood. She is very lucky in that she won't have to.

Resilience is about bounce back ability.

It used to be more a society level thing. Like if there us a flood how resilient are we to it.

It seems to have become some inner grit personal value where you mustnt ask for support.

But actually if you look at how to build resilience, connections are one of the key things that help people bounce back from difficulties. To be resilient you might need lots of different things to help you bounce back, so money, planning, friends, confidence, competence (like practice skills you need) . Relying on any one thing make you less resilient.

Your sister sounds lazy. If she had to get on with it, she would. She isn’t working but can’t manage to make her own child dinner! That is ridiculous and your parents shouldn’t be encouraging it.

Energy is like money - you spend to capacity.
If you have loads to do you somehow fit it all in... if you have minimal things to do they seem to take up the same amount of time.
If that makes any sense!

You haven't said she's complaining or even mentioned that she's not coping. Maybe she likes being in company and your parents and her partner are happy to be supportive.
Accepting help is a good thing.

Your life sounds incredibly difficult, and not something to aspire to if you can do otherwise. Working yourself into the ground is not resilience.

Yep- I completely agree with this. My resilience has certainly NOT come from having people catch me. I never had that as a child and I didnt have it as an adult. It's come from relying on myself and trusting myself to take care of me.

The more I achieved through courage and will, and the more challenges I overcame, the more confident I got. Thats all from me. Nothing to do with others.

I am now fiercely independent and now I have a DH it's wonderful, but I know that if we ever split, I can always rely on myself because I always have done.