To think the less you do the less you cope?

[Breezyyi]

Maybe I’m being unkind. But I am at my wits end with my sister. She’s a few years older in her early thirties . We both have one child and she is pregnant with her second. Her first now 3.5 has been in nursery every day, she collects at 3pm and then takes her to my parents for her dinner. She does one bedtime a week and parter does all others as she feels she can’t as she is 26 weeks pregnant. She doesn’t work and hasn’t since first was born.

In contrast, my husband works away a lot. I work full time. I obviously have to do everything for dd. All get ups, nursery runs, dinners, bedtimes etc. my parents would step in if I needed but my sibling seems to need it so much more than I tend to just do my own thing!

AIBU to think this isn’t the fact she can’t cope but more that she’s used to not coping and has made things harder for herself by not getting on with it? I don’t know… I realise I am being judgemental but the mind boggles as to how you can do so little parenting, not work and need huge support.

Look, I'm the first to point out mummy martyrs but not being able to put your own kid to bed or feed them dinner is not being a martyr . If she doesn't have a disability of some kind it's laziness.
You must think it totally amazing when a family (like us) copes with no family assistance. Between DH and I we managed nursery drops, bedtime, and dinners for three under three at one point! Crazy!

Resilience is absolutely about a persons ability to adapt and recover - whilst I agree it will often be enhanced if someone has a support network, it absolutely has to come from within. It’s about the individuals ability to navigate difficulties whilst maintaining a sense of purpose and optimism. Having people to catch you is not it.

some people are better suited to achieving, there’s a reason why the adage if you want something done ask a busy person is so true.

You're not supposed to delegate all the bits of parenting you don't want to do to your village you know. And it's supposed to be reciprocal.

Look up the 7c's of resilience. There are a lot of things about you as a person in it. We will all have different theories of how to build confidence and competence, (eg throw in at the deep end, or support at the shallow end)
but connections are one of the 7cs.

If you’re put in a situation where you have no choice but to cope, you either do cope or you actually don’t! Remember that not all children are the same so it might be that putting her child to bed is harder than your child going to bed. However I think the main difference here is that she is pregnant. Having coped like you for about five years working full time and doing the evenings with my kids and putting them to bed, I really struggled with my third pregnancy. I was very uncomfortable and although I could just about manage dinner and bathtime I had to get my husband to do bedtime as sitting with them in bed reading stories was very uncomfortable (and I was exhausted by 7:30). Also any tantrums became harder to manage as my hormones went wild and I’d get very upset rather than being able to be calm like I was usually.

High self esteem is at the heart of being resilient and a positive childhood where you are unconditionally loved, accepted, supported and encouraged is the best start to that.

Positive role models are important, if your parents cope with everyday life stresses by smoking, drinking, taking drugs or whatever negative way and you see that all through your life then you are learning that's how people cope with stress.

People don't necessarily 'learn to cope' or 'bounce back' in positive ways if they are just left to cope with no one to turn to either. They may turn to self harm, comfort eating, spending money they don't have or substance abuse.

Resilience can be learnt at any age but it comes at the end of the day from high self esteem and believing in yourself. Be happy OP that you have that.

Do we always have to be resilient by ourselves? Is it shameful to lean on others for support

Of course it isnt. Asking for help can be one tool to have availability. But you need to be able to manage without others supporting you in lots of situations and its important to be able to.

Well it's a bit of a cycle isn't it?

I don't think it is her choice to just be lazy.

Perhaps she is stuck in a cycle of thinking she can't cope and therefore not coping, but that doesn't mean it is her fault or that she doesn't need help, or that she should just be able to snap out of it and pull her socks up.

There might be an element of truth in what you are saying but I think it's unkind to blame her. Being a parent is hard.

I had one of the shittest things happen when I had a 6, 3 and 1 yo. I learnt then that I was bloody resilient. I wouldn't wish it on anyone but gosh you find out how strong you are. I now go the easy road. "Hey mum I forgot to take in my geography assessment". Oh dear, take it in tomorrow, they might deduct a mark but too late to worry about it now. "What would you like for tea"?

Absolutely. We settle into our norms, with most of us trying to establish a norm for ourselves that's as pleasant and stress free as possible. Once we get used to a way if life, pleasing ourselves, getting up late, minimal chores, whatever, any forced change to that feels unpleasant and difficult. Just as you would probably say you 'couldn't cope' if you had to live the life of a woman who has it even harder, whereas thst woman copes because its her norm.

THIS.

Some people struggle with being a parent more than others but I definitely think there is something in your theory.

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve seen by SAHPs with school aged children struggling to cope with housework etc.

My mum says she struggles to cope since my dad left but she works PT and lives alone with no dependent kids and is in good health.
She constantly asks for help from me even though I’m a single parent, no help from the dad or anyone else (including her), work FT and was doing an online masters degree.

There’s no shame in asking for help but most people are capable of more than what they claim to be.

I think it’s strategic incompetence because they know people will just do it for them.

I think your use of the word "martyr" is unnecessary and unkind. The OP clearly stands on her own two feet and yet her sister can't. You lavish praise on her sister and judge the OP for her self-sufficiency. She is asking a normal question.

I agree with you @Breezyyi but honestly, what can you do other than ask her to stop talking about hard her life is while she's sitting with her feet up and you rush round after work? (Can you tell I know someone like this?).

@Catza not sure I totally agree with your post about resilience.

Resilience is not something that comes by pushing through AND from growing up and living in a supportive environment and knowing you have people who will catch you if you fall. I would amend your quote to.

You're not supposed to delegate all the bits of parenting you don't want to do to your village you know. And it's supposed to be reciprocal.

Where does it say that that's what's happening? She just sees her parents for dinner and her partner does the majority of bedtimes

And we have no idea whether it's reciprocal or not.

This. Resilience does NOT simply come from an external network or external support. It is about rising to challenges, getting on with problems, putting one foot in front of the other and pushing through. Dealing with each obstacle, problem, challenge, calamity, etc makes you stronger, tougher and better able to cope with adversity. Nietzsche: "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger".

We are all different. If you need or want help, ask for it.

I get exhausted doing thing others find easy... And I'm sure I do things others would struggle with. You sound like you are very capable, which is wonderful. But maybe you need a break once in a while too, or you wouldn't be writing this post.

But I am at my wits end with my sister.

Why? It doesn't sound like her life/way of parenting impacts yours at all so why are you at your wits end?

I often think, when there is a characteristic in someone else that really gets our goat, it's less about them and more about us. It's holds a mirror up to our own fears, the things we secretly hate about ourselves or fear becoming.

If she gets to the end of her life and the very worse thing anyone can say about her is 'her parents helped her a lot when her kids were young' then she will have lived a very successful life indeed. Similarly, if you get the end of yours and the best thing anyone can say is 'she hardly ever asked for help' then I;m not sure I would view that as a life particularly well spent.

Not to do you down, OP. I am sure there are far more great skills and attributes you have. Just to illustrate that this particular characteristic is a useless measuring stick for a moral worth.

Well, no.

Resilience is the ability to adapt and to recover from life's setbacks. It is often defined as being able to cope with adversity in healthy ways.

It is not defined as being able to cope and recover completely on your own with no support from anyone.

I agree@Breezyyi.
Some people just feel they deserve help/handouts and they don't think about other people, even siblings.

I have 3 under 5 and pretty much do everything on my own. I get on just fine and rarely struggle. Some mum's struggle with 1 and with help. Everyone is different. Stop comparing

First we all have our limits. There will be someone doing much more than you thinking your life is easy. I read about a mum with 8 kids, works in investment banking makes our normal lives look easy.

But perhaps you're a bit jealous she has this help and sets boundaries. I know a mum like this and I try to think good for you, you have the right not to be exhausted just because some of us are.

Just to add if she's taking all the parents help available that's not OK and you need to stop saying I'm fine, I can do everything and get your share of the help available.

Maybe it's a sign that you deserve a rest too.

I think these sorts of resentments are becoming increasingly common, as some men really step up and co-parent brilliantly and enthusiastically and others do not. If you have a good man there’s a feeling that your good partner is showing up all the shitty ones, and it’s uncomfortable.

Are your feelings really about your sister, or about being in a relationship that means the vast majority of the childcare falls to you?

Do you enjoy being a martyr? Perhaps, she doesn’t

So putting your child to bed is being a martyr? I've heard it all now.

Sounds like she does eff all.

Why would it matter if she didn't do much? Why would others be so angry about this?