To think the less you do the less you cope?

[Breezyyi]

Maybe I’m being unkind. But I am at my wits end with my sister. She’s a few years older in her early thirties . We both have one child and she is pregnant with her second. Her first now 3.5 has been in nursery every day, she collects at 3pm and then takes her to my parents for her dinner. She does one bedtime a week and parter does all others as she feels she can’t as she is 26 weeks pregnant. She doesn’t work and hasn’t since first was born.

In contrast, my husband works away a lot. I work full time. I obviously have to do everything for dd. All get ups, nursery runs, dinners, bedtimes etc. my parents would step in if I needed but my sibling seems to need it so much more than I tend to just do my own thing!

AIBU to think this isn’t the fact she can’t cope but more that she’s used to not coping and has made things harder for herself by not getting on with it? I don’t know… I realise I am being judgemental but the mind boggles as to how you can do so little parenting, not work and need huge support.

Here, let me just rustle around my kitchen drawer, I think I’ve got a Mum of the Year medal for you here somewhere…

Everyone is different. It’s not about doing less makes you less capable. Can you imagine having 8 kids? Probably not. Would you struggle? Probably. But someone somewhere copes just fine with 8 kids. Your sister’s circumstances aren’t the same as yours. You sound jealous.

Yes I thought the ‘people to catch you when you fall’ thing was an unusual take too.

You shouldn’t just be ‘coping’. I agree that it’s a good thing she’s not just accepted the coping of doing parenting alone which I think many women do to our detriment. I agree she doesn’t sound resilient but not everyone has the same capacities and the benefit to be won here is time with your child which you are enjoying. I would make a point though of asking for your parents help every once in a while to have a break!!

I think Matthew 7 vv1-3 is what i think

I can’t quite say YABU, as I think you feeling a bit jealous of her ‘easier’ life is understandable, especially if you feel you can’t ask your parents for help because she is leaning on them a lot. BUT, a few things:

• you don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant and have a small child, and you don’t know what she feels like while pregnant

• ’Coping’ is a state of mind really, and many factors influence that.

• I think when most people slow down, they tune into their true feelings better, and may realise how stressed they were/kept busy to avoid certain feelings etc

• Do you like your life? Sounds like she likes hers, so maybe you should make changes in yours if you don’t.

OP I noticed in your post that you are "at my wits end" with your sister.

I was interested in this as I think it probably describes how you feel doing everything alone for your DD?

I think you might then feel very uncomfortable with the feeling that you also find your parenting and life hard. And worried about your own resilience?

But if you acknowledge that you'll have to accept that you can't "do everything" and maybe actually the more one does beyond one's limits, the closer to overwhelm and burn out one gets.

It's very painful to think one has limits so it can be easier to locate those limitations in others eg a sibling - so one doesn't have to acknowledge the limitations and vulnerabilities in oneself.

I'm not preaching, I'm myself now cutting back "doing it all" and thinking I'm invincible and can keep on doing more and more - because my physical and mental health is forcing me to. Basically if I don't change my worldview I'm going to have a burn -out/ total collapse. So time to start asking for help, accepting I'm not a machine, I'm just a person with the usual limitations.

Absolutely. If you only have yourself to rely on, you just bounce back. There’s no other choice.

I think you have misunderstood me a bit.

It is possible to be resilient within a supportive family - as I said, it can be an enabling factor, and your family is an example of this. It is equally possible that a supportive family can hold you back in developing resilience if you aren’t encountering enough challenge. I don’t think you can latterly just redraw the boundaries of supportive to mean risk positive, but if you want to then ok, it draws our perspectives closer together.

Your original post gave very little attention to the fact that many resilient people (myself included) have developed their resilience through adverse family circumstances. I left home at 16 and was far more resilient than my university peers who grew up in more stable environments. I ‘pushed through’ for a good decade or so and whilst it wasn’t pleasant at the time it benefited me as a person. It can work both ways and neither is the exception. I probably had characteristics that allowed that to be possible - some others will also have these, others will have to work harder to develop them and in rare cases may be unable to.

Resilience is an important thing - a little acknowledgement that some people have developed it to a high level through adversity is an important acknowledgement, I think.

Exactly. Thats fine whilst they are able to but what happens when the person that "catches you" dies or is ill or isnt in an emotional place to help you. What then?

I am not saying asking for help is wrong obvs, but ultimately, you cannot always rely on other people to pick you up if you fall. To me, resilience is being able to take responsibility for yourself and being able to take care of your own needs first and foremost before you put that burden onto an external party. to "fix it".

Has your sister actually expressed there's a problem? It seems to me that you're the only one with a problem and a problem entirely of your own invention.

Of course she is having another she doesn't have to care for the next one either, I presume if she becomes a single parent your parents will be taking over?

Obviously, the poster means having people around you who are supportive who you can talk to and lean on for support.

As others have said, having a support network is key to building resilience. Some people may well be resilient without that, but it doesn't take away the fact that supportive networks help to build resilience. And frankly, who would want to be without it?

My grandmother and her siblings were children in Poland during the war. They are the least resilient people I know, by your own definition of resilience above.
They lived through bombing, their house being burned by Nazi soldiers, running through the snow to the nearest village under fire, witnessing dead bodies piled up at the end of their garden, famine.
What they are is tough and emotionally stunted. My grandmother carried her entire family on her shoulders all her life. OP would call it being resilient. But if we look at what you wrote above we can argue differently. She is always catastrophising, panicking over nothing, we have to shield her from every bad news as a family. Her sister broke her arm at the age of 60 and stopped leaving the house, put herself to bed and began a long road of preparing for death.
The only two siblings who fit your above description of resilience was the eldest sister who moved to a village after marriage and spent her entire life living in an inter-dependent community where neighbours helped each other out at the first sign of trouble and the youngest brother who was a baby during the war, was looked after and loved by all the siblings and grew up in a relative safety.

So let's not generalise entire generations with war experience. Not everyone are as resilient as you are led to believe.

I think some people will struggle more than others.Leaving aside obvious things like Autism and so on ,lots of women find being pregnant hard .Especially with 2nd pregnancies .Your sister is lucky she has your parents to help.Try not to judge her ,you may feel more tired and in need of help, if you have another child . I was tired with a young family ,and constantly compared myself with my friend who worked FT .studied for a degree and also had 2 children! She said she couldnt sit still very long but wished she could!

At the end of the day, there are no prizes for being a martyr.

If you feel like you want or need more time with your parents, or more support while your DH is away then all you need to do is ask.

Interesting thread.
We had kids first out of siblings. DH & I juggled working away, the grandparents were more in draining visitor mode with us. Our kids suit us, we do our things alongside each other. We were there with full attention then eased off.
DSis as a teacher, dumped the kids on the parents all the time. Weekends, holidays, special events at school. DSis would be recovering, catching up with friends, off doing hobbies. The kids would get an intense day - so click & climb, lunch out, cinema then soft play then dumped back on our parents for the rest of the hols.
It has impacted their kids, the ADHD was managed too little too late. As parents they don't seem to like or know their teenagers, they speak in cliches with eyerolls. Our parents are proper old now, they get tired, they will die and those grand children will have lost a primary force from their childhood and are left with parents with undeveloped parenting skills.
I know it sounds smug, but DH & I without leaning totally on others had to develop better ways to look after our kids. That took time, reputation and a willingness to accept we weren't always getting it right but try again. My sis would just ring up the grandparents and say 'we can't cope, I'm dropping them off'
This impacted us because if we visited the younger kids were always there monopolizing the grandparents but our kids have thrived academically and emotionally and win the best of new generation award every single bloody time.

Yes, this is true.

I used to do everything, and be everywhere at a million miles an hour and over achieve. My brain worked so much faster than those around me and I was always a step ahead. I had no help. I just had to keep going and going and going.

I then due to family circumstances (ie not mine) ended up quitting my job and my partner was around a bit more to help with the kids. I don’t want to do what I used to, the thought of it would stress me out. I want someone to give me a lie in if they can, or look after the kids when I have a shower.

Perhaps your right. But I don't think you can really compare while she's pregnant.

During my second pregnancy I was USELESS. It's not that I'm a generally incompetent person, but I was awfully sick. I lost weight and the antisickness medicine made me terribly sleepy so sometimes i was basically just semi-conscious in the sofa with a bowl. I wasn't safe to drive, I couldnt keep a train of thought together as my thoughts just seemed to skip away before I finished them. My other two pregnancies were totally different - one I had sickness but not that bad (lost weight and was told off my midwives for the first 5 months but it was manageable and I could still work just about), and the other I had almost no sickness at all after the second month.

Now might not be a fair time to judge.

I think you’re 100% right when you actually have to do something you just get over it. we have two kids now and when I only have to look after one on my own I’m like wow this is so easy! Whereas when we had one and I had to look after her on my own, I thought it was really challenging. Look out what single mums do every day.

That said I think there is a huge positive to feeling more capable - like your sister probably genuinely doesn’t feel like she can cope. So maybe rather than being annoyed at her, in your mind you can focus on how it’s a bit sad for her and you are actually luckier to have the confidence and capabilities that you do.

Yes I agree with this.

I think resilience is morphing into something used to not support other people because they should just manage by themselves and it's a personal failing if they don't.

When social services did an assessment of us, they looked at support networks as part of how resilient we were. One ingredient, not the only ingredient.

Again, it's not about picking you up and fixing your problems for you.

I am going through something extremely difficult right now, something that is very traumatic. My family and friends are there to listen. They can't solve it for me, but having people to talk to makes me feel stronger.

I'm not relying on them to pick me up. I think maybe people are taking the posters words too literally.

It's never wise to have just one person in your support network who you can go to. It's why it is encouraged that people can build up a good support network of many people.

Resilience is knowing you can catch yourself if you fall…

Excellent post. I was (and sometimes still am) that super busy person who did everything for everyone, until I just got older, a bit burnt out and then retired. It takes a while to adjust for sure.

I’d say your sister maybe has it right? Maybe she is more sensitively wired? Maybe she is having an awful pregnancy? And maybe OP if your parents would take your child sometimes, to let them and have some time for yourself? If your husband is away a lot, you are doing an awful lot of solo parenting and you are working full time. Nothing wrong with asking for help. It took me till my 50s before I started asking for help with things. Sure, doing a lot and standing on your own two feet is well and good, but why make life difficult by insisting on doing it all yourself.

I am going through something extremely difficult right now, something that is very traumatic. My family and friends are there to listen. They can't solve it for me, but having people to talk to makes me feel stronger

I'm sorry you are going through this and I am glad you have support.

I agree that it's the phrasing- having someone to "catch you" indicates to me that the person is fixing it for you which is what I interpreted from that.

Of course it's good to have someone to listen and be empathic. But ultimately, I 100% agree that we need to fix our own problems and make our own mistakes- thats literally how people learn and evolve. But yes, having someone to offload on does help a lot.

A good example here is spending and debt- if you get into debt through over spending, and someone pays the debt off for you, it might temporarily help but ultimately the problem isnt actually fixed and will keep happening until you adjust your relationship with money.

Isn't building a support network and encouraging relationships with grandparents exactly what new mums are constantly being told to do on here?

So why is someone being criticised for doing exactly that and using her "village"?