To think the less you do the less you cope?

[Breezyyi]

Maybe I’m being unkind. But I am at my wits end with my sister. She’s a few years older in her early thirties . We both have one child and she is pregnant with her second. Her first now 3.5 has been in nursery every day, she collects at 3pm and then takes her to my parents for her dinner. She does one bedtime a week and parter does all others as she feels she can’t as she is 26 weeks pregnant. She doesn’t work and hasn’t since first was born.

In contrast, my husband works away a lot. I work full time. I obviously have to do everything for dd. All get ups, nursery runs, dinners, bedtimes etc. my parents would step in if I needed but my sibling seems to need it so much more than I tend to just do my own thing!

AIBU to think this isn’t the fact she can’t cope but more that she’s used to not coping and has made things harder for herself by not getting on with it? I don’t know… I realise I am being judgemental but the mind boggles as to how you can do so little parenting, not work and need huge support.

Some people just cope with less.

I had no family support when my three kids were small, it was tough at times but I loved it overall.

Everyone is different. I gave all of myself to motherhood for at least 10 years, with three kids. I can understand that not everyone can cope with that.

@Bunnycat101 yes that is my parents’ concern as they can’t look after toddler and the baby so she will have to manage a bit more soon.

The washing comment… the exact thing happened recently where we had planned a morning out at the weekend but she needed my parents to wait in the house with toddler until she had put the washing on as she couldn’t do it apparently with toddler there.

Those saying I’m being critical, yes I guess I am. I’m not sure it’s jealousy of the help she has as that help is available to me too but I can’t see where or how I would use it otherwise I would rarely see my child!

My post is about whether you can get yourself in a state where you cope less and less as you are so reliant. I think this has happened with my sister and as my parents have pointed out, it will be difficult when she has her DS.

@TheCoolOliveBalonz i think screaming down the phone at my parents and expecting them to be with her child on the one day the nursery is shut (a bank holiday), suggests she’s not totally problem free? But maybe that’s usual, it’s just not my experience of time with my own child

Yes you sound judgemental. But then again my set up is similar to your sister’s so I guess I would say that, including the fact I am similarly along in pregnancy with a 4 yr old, am sahm with parental and DP support. I used to do almost everything before pregnancy but pregnancy has hit me very hard the second time around and I genuinely physically cannot do the things I did first time. I can’t even pick up my first born on doc orders. Just going up the stairs tires me out completely. I didn’t expect it but it’s just how my body is coping (or not) this time. So I’ve leaned into it. It’s not forever and it seems DP and grandparents are enjoying taking a more active role too which I didn’t appreciate when I was martyring myself doing everything before.

I guess perhaps you are just musing but unless someone in that circle is complaining about it then your post is really a you problem because you’re comparing your life, your capabilities and what you enjoy doing to someone who happens to have a different life, is capable of different and enjoys something else.

Also was she really ‘screaming’ down the phone? Were you on the call? Do you know if she’s having a hormonal reaction to pregnancy perhaps and finding it hard to cope? I’m ok now but I’ve had some major emotional ups and downs crying at shit that wouldn’t usually bother me in a million years. I’d prefer my DD wasn’t around that sometimes because I haven’t always felt myself. Pregnancy can be wild for some.

Just a different perspective perhaps.

Your sister is lazy and selfish.

Your parents help or the kids would be neglected.

Yes if you have good mental health that adds ro resilience. I never said it didn't. Especially when you mean depressions and anxieties although the spectrum of problems is so wast that some of them have no influence on your mental strength and while some do.
On individual level, a messed up person can be resilient and a mentally healthy person might not. Because while they influence each other they are not the same things. Psychopath are extreme example of someone very messed up but also resilient in areas like stress or pressure.

Think about physical strength. If you're in good physical health and are rested you will be stronger. But if you never exercise, do few physical activities, you still will lift less or run slower then someone who does weakly training.

You keep arguing the points I didn't even make and I feel like you're completely misrepresenting what I'm saying to other people rather then give me a benefit of a doubt that maybe it's hard to explain such complex subject on Internet forum.

Of course there are milions of things that influence us and contribute to our autcomes but there is tons of research confirming the value of manageable challenges for both physical and mental resilience. It's a scientific fact and not just my opinion.

This is interesting. I have had a much more traumatic life than my sister, but my parents have always gone out of their way to help her with her 1 child. Proximity comes into it. She moved in with them , then 10 minutes away, then 20 minutes away ( over 30 years). I was 2 hours away that entire time with my 3 kids
She is now flourishing and I am drowning. Parents are to old to do anything now, both about to turn 90. Just trying to find the best nursing home for them. Sister is trying to find the cheapest. Strangely if I ever raise the issue of how differently I was treated to my sister they just flat out deny it. Irritating to say the least

Goodness, why are you taking this personally? It’s not personal, we don’t know each other. This is just a thread on mumsnet, and this just a discussion/debate. We can agree to disagree.

I disagree with what PP are saying about your sister and resilience, etc. I also disagree with people saying you should mind your business or that your jealous.

At the end of the day, yes, we should all be lucky to have family support. But not at the expense that your parents are constantly doing everything for her.

Your sister clearly has some issues, and your parents and her DH are making the problem worse by enabling her.

You haven't however, mentioned whether all of this is a recent occurance since being pregnant.

There's receiving support and then there's having everything being done for you. If she was like this before becoming pregnant, I really don't understand why she thought having a 2nd child is a good idea.

If your parents can see things will be difficult once the baby comes, for both your sister and themselves, then they really ought to warn her they can't meet her expectations.

They should probably only do set days for dinner and say no to your sister occasionally when she demands they drop everything to look after her DC.

@2boyzNosleep it’s been like it long before she was pregnant again

Different people have different energy levels, even siblings.

OP could well be posting even if it's reciprocal - we know nothing about their relationship beyond what she's posted here.

And maybe the dinner is beneficial for both of them - they get to see their grandchild and daughter everyday, and the daughter doesn't have to cook.

Not everything has to be an equal swap to be fair.

EDIT: Have just seen OP's updates, maybe the sister is taking the piss but that's for the parents' to deal with, imo.

OP your sister is lazy, enabled by your parents.
But, let them sort themselves out when the baby comes as that will be a different dynamic.

Stay clear.

Yes you do have a point- when i had one kid if i looked after two ie helped a friend for a couple of hours, I honestly thought no way can anyone do this. Now I have two kids, so clearly I can. You do find ways around things when you have to and you get used to inconvenience to a point. Though sometimes people are under a huge amount of stress.

I think in of itself, so what, if someone wants or needs help and you don't. If it's actually stopping you doing things ie making meetings late with your parents you'd need to just find a way round it. Maybe the issue is your parents lacking boundaries. But I don't see what you can do about that.

Also no two people's situations are the same some kids are easier to get stuff done around than others. Some parents are better at this. Some use screen time others don't.

Finally you say if you accepted help you'd rarely see your kids. Not necessarily, my mum helps and we all do stuff together. And she helps with housework so im not seeing the kids less. I hope my sister doesn't think I'm terribly lazy as I only have two kids. But if she does fair enough I guess.

She just sounds lazy

Resilience is not something that comes by pushing through.

To a certain extent it is just this.

It's knowing, from experience, that when the shit hits the fan, you can cope and do what needs to be done and come out the other side.

The only way people really get this kind of sense of their own capability is by actually doing it.

Your sister is a lazy arse OP. She is imposing herself on your parents and not thinking of their well being.

Not being able to put on laundry with a toddler in the house is mad. If she genuinely feels that way she is suffering from being enabled in her laziness and it is not kind.

It's interesting, there is another thread now where several posters seem to think a father should be rushing home with work that affects others(no heat or hw) incomplete, because of course the mum needs help with bedtime and he should be doing his part

But apparently this father should be doing bedtime every night because the mum is just unable to cope with the child at all.

I maybe wonder if your sister should be working and your BIL be home with the kids.

Totally agree.

Up until April I was working a very high pressure job with long hours. I still managed to cook dinner, make lunches, do housework, look after pets, do food shopping etc. I was so stressed but I did it.

I left that job and initially my house was spotless and I had so much time and energy to do things. But a few months later I feel constantly stressed and like I don't have enough hours in the day. It doesn't make sense. I'm currently job hunting so I'll know I'll have to adapt to a busier lifestyle again when I get another job.

Some people are super resilient.
Some are unable to cope with much.
Some people work super hard.
Some are lazy.

I have a professional full time demanding career, and work in multiple different roles. DH also full time in a demanding role.
We have kids.
We do everything for ourselves and them, no support, and are both also doing additional degrees.
I also have a long term physical condition.
We just get on with it.

Resilience can also vary over time and circumstance.

I was phenomenally resilient. So much so at university I got an award each year for what I achieved while coping in astonishingly tough circumstances.

Later I realised two children with health conditions on my own whole recovering from abuse and climbing the career ladder.

Now I dont have the choice to "be resilient" because pushing through runs the likely risk of me ending up in ICU. I have to rest and reduce my commitments heavily.

Don't judge unless you've been heavily pregnant with a child already op.

Your sister sounds spoiled and lazy (& yes I am jealous 😂). I suffer with anxiety and my CBT therapist told me to challenge myself and to achieve things outside my comfort zone to boost my confidence and combat my anxieties and worries. She will however have a lot more challenges when her second baby arrives (I have 2 kids & I work full time). Maybe she's just enjoying the calm before the storm. She should make your parents dinners now and again.

What about if you've been heavily pregnant with two children, or three children, or more??

At 26 weeks very many of us would still be working FT!!

It’s interesting, I’ve been contemplating this very thing today.

My life is incredibly easy and leisurely compared to some of my friends with small children. However, I do still feel stressed and as though I haven’t time enough for everything, and being very busy exhausts me. I have no idea how they cope day in day out. I do think to an extent that our coping capacity adjusts to meet the demand placed upon us. Only to a point though obvs