Making dinner for my son's friend

[ILCTM]

So my 12 year old son goes to a youth club once a week in the evening. On this day, his friend has been coming home with him straight from school, which is fine, then his friend's dad will come and collect them both, they go back to his house where they'll make their way to the youth club as they live walking distance from it.

The first couple of times my son brought his friend back, I made them both dinner, but I didn't know this was going to be a weekly thing. I have no problem with him coming round at all, but I'm just thinking, if it was you, would you feed his friend every week? I mean on the one hand, I'm making dinner anyway, it's not a big deal, but then on the other hand, I don't really feel like it's my responsibility to feed another child every week.

I remember being their age and sometimes friends would be at mine when it was my dinner time and vice versa and we'd either go home or just hang out in their rooms or whatever. Our parents didn't make dinner for friends unless it was specifically arranged. Just wondering what everyone else would do?

I don't really feel like it's my responsibility to feed another child every week.

it certainly looks like you have a problem with it

Of course I'd always feed them both together and wouldn't even think about it.

If the dad gives your child a lift home after the club, I’d let this go. If you pick your child up still from the club then I can see your point. I’d be inclined to serve a cheap meal like pasta with sauce or a baked potato with own brand beans.

come dead winter with rain and cold… you’ll be might glad for that lift OP (if you haven’t burned bridges but doing something daft like charging the father for food)

I definitely wouldn't have a problem feeding another child, in fact it was weird having a night without someone's friend here when they were growing up.

I hated as a child being practically thrown out of their house at dinner time or told to wait in another room. As a kid you don't really know when your welcome has been outstayed.

I can't believe you seriously think it is okay for a child to 'go hang out alone' while a family eat dinner.

Good grief what are we coming to?

I was a single mum on the bones of my CD arse and every child under my roof got fed!

These are the little things that make life work in a collective way - you feed the kid, that helps your son as it means he has a friend round - that stops him being lonely - maybe development MH issues as a lonely teen

This is literally the bedrock of young peoples wellbeing - that they feel looked after, welcomed.

Has the dad been collecting them both every week?

I don't remember ever being sent to hang out in someone's room while they ate. And I grew up in the 1970s.
You might get sent home but mostly you got your tea with your friend.

If i knew i was leaving my 12 year old with a parent who is even considering whether appropriate for my child to go and hang out alone or watch the family eat…. I wouldn’t want him to ever dawn their doorstep again

Indeed! I'm 66 and was brought up in what today would be considered very poor conditions indeed (rented 2 up 2 down house, outside toilet/no bathroom, no running hot water no heating except for coal fires downstairs only). No child who was around our house at mealtimes would go unfed.

In fact, on ine occasion when I was 12 and a schoolfriend was coming over from her village for the day in the holidays, she brought another friend with her - whose mum sent dinner and tea (we're Northern!) for her as she felt it was an imposition. My mum was almost insulted at the thought she wouldn't just feed this other girl, but pulled herself together and sent the food back with the girl with a note of thanks "but there was plenty to go round".

I'd definitely factor in the cost for one extra person. As I'm on a very low budget. But I would feel heartless and unnecessarily tight not to feed my kids friend if they were at the house at mealtimes.
Maybe do something like as another poster said, pasta, jacket potatoes with beans, flatbread pizza, just not the biggest effort or highest cost meal.
If you only have meat a couple times a week then you don't need to serve it on that night.
But honestly if you have no financial problems I'd be feeding him the same as my kid very happily.

There was a large-ish social media conversation about this, a couple of years ago. People feeding other people’s kids.

The cultural differences were super interesting. In some Northern European countries, it’s apparently 100% not a thing. You sit there and watch your little mates eat, but don’t get offered any. In most African and Asian cultures, the very idea of not feeding a child in your home was shocking. And so on, and so forth.

If I remember correctly, most Brits were firmly on ‘Team Feed’. Does anyone else remember this?

OP, in your situation, I’d just give him dinner. If cost is an issue, that’s obviously an entirely different thing. In that case, I’d maybe mention it to his father? If you wouldn’t find that too uncomfortable.

I've been through all this with my kids when they were sane age as yours op.
It was never a big deal, just serves up an extra portion ( or portions depending who turned up) My lads often got fed at their mates houses as well!
Sometimes all the boys got fed twice, once at ours and then if they wandered back to their friends house, there as well! We didn't find this out until years later though! 😂

Same! We didn’t have a lot but I’d always have scraped something together. I’ve grown up around a lot of different backgrounds and the council house lot (like mine were) would never not feed a kid in their home

the “wait in their room whilst we have dinner” is a middle class thing, not all middle class are like this but whenever I experienced this it was these guys. My ex boyfriend’s family did it to me numerous times and it was awful (I was with him from 16-21) I was with him for a good year before they offered me dinner

Yes of course. What's the alternative? Make the friend sit awkwardly elsewhere or stop him coming altogether?

Unless it's really tight money wise I would/have done it.. friendships are so important at that age, and now my kids are all grown up their friends still come round and eat with us, it's a special thing to do and the friendship may fizzle out but that's how you would want your child to feel in someone's home.. I know it can be hard, i was a single parent with crappy maintenance but these kids still are in our lives.. also what is the alternative? Pretty sure not many of us would be able to deny a child food while everyone else was eating 🤔

precisely what op is suggesting! scary stuff

Of course you feed him.

Just feed him, youve said you dont mind. Do the nice thing - the dad is doing you a favour after all.

I'm not begrudging this at all. I was just simply wondering what others would do in this situation.

I don't really feel like it's my responsibility to feed another child every week.

Begrudging!

Scary??? Wow what a sheltered life you must lead. That is more scary that you find that scary.

As long as the cost of bulking out that spag bol, or throwing a few more fish fingers on the tray doesn't tip you in to debt, then I'd do this without a second thought. Indeed, I regularly used to feed one of ds's friends who seemed to love coming to ours (even when he started joining in the meal prep sometimes).

I can't see why anyone wouldn't.

As they get older, you'll reap the benefits of knowing your dcs' friends and them feeling comfortable in your house.