Making dinner for my son's friend

[ILCTM]

So my 12 year old son goes to a youth club once a week in the evening. On this day, his friend has been coming home with him straight from school, which is fine, then his friend's dad will come and collect them both, they go back to his house where they'll make their way to the youth club as they live walking distance from it.

The first couple of times my son brought his friend back, I made them both dinner, but I didn't know this was going to be a weekly thing. I have no problem with him coming round at all, but I'm just thinking, if it was you, would you feed his friend every week? I mean on the one hand, I'm making dinner anyway, it's not a big deal, but then on the other hand, I don't really feel like it's my responsibility to feed another child every week.

I remember being their age and sometimes friends would be at mine when it was my dinner time and vice versa and we'd either go home or just hang out in their rooms or whatever. Our parents didn't make dinner for friends unless it was specifically arranged. Just wondering what everyone else would do?

Honestly, it sounds like they have made a nice little routine together and the friend’s dad does drive them so I would keep it going if possible. You don’t have to make anything fancy.

It wouldn’t cross my mind to do anything but feed the friend when Ds ate dinner.

Or to give it a second thought.

My parents house growing up was def not welcoming with open arms-not awful but I had a fussy (but lovely) stepfather and mine was def not the relaxed always room for one more house.

As a result mine always was-always a seat at the table, bedding for a sleep over etc. I loved having them as teens at mine-chatting and getting to know them.

They are now all in their 20's and I have lovely warm relationships and very fond memories with them. They joke that I was Molly Weasley and they were harry and hermione, which warmed my heart.

You never know what's going on in someones life and a plate of spag bol once a week seems very worthwhile to me-I know my kids were grateful looking back and would have been mortified if their friends were sent to another room whilst we ate.

If you don’t have a problem with it then why post the thread? It doesn’t matter what anyone else can do. It’s not your responsibility but neither is it the friend’s dad’s responsibility to give your child a lift. Surely only doing things you think you have a direct responsibility to do is a weird way to live?
And expecting him to sit in your son’s room is weird.

I'd make him dinner.

I'd feed the boy but it's a bit weird that the dad hasn't ever mentioned the food situation, or you to him.
Why is the dad even bothering to come to your town to collect his son and your son when you have to make the trip for your younger son anyway?
It would be fairer if the dad picked them both up from school every other week and fed them instead of you having to do it all the time but maybe he has work commitments or something.
I just think there's a lack of communication from both sides here.

The friend's father does come and collect them and they go to their house to go onto youth club. It is a form of exchange and it does not last forever. Do it for your son so that he has good memories of being twelve and with his friend. A day will come when you will look back and wish you had been more accommodating. You have the rest of your life to count how many people come to tea, if there are any?!

Are you sure they are not being fed again when they get to the friends house?
My son and his mates would happily have gone along with that plan!

In my culture when you have a guest they never leave without being fed it's as simple as that. My boys friends love coming round and talk about the different foods they've eaten and I can see the positive impact on my child and the values I am reinforcing in him. Life is too short to even worry about these trivial matter op! See the beauty of sharing

I'd definitely feed them both OP esp as they are only 12. Now that my DS is turning 17 and often has a group of friends over to hang out in our garden room I don't cook them all meals but just make sure there's always extra bread, milk, cereal, crisps and pasta etc. They are old enough to make their own plus tend to raid the fridge at weird hours of the night if they are sleeping over. I don't mind having them here as I can keep an eye on them 😆 rather than them hanging out in parks. OP the more welcoming you are now the more yours will become a nice happy place for your DS and his friends to hang out. Very important imo in the next few years. The teenage years whizz by and before you know it they'll all be 18 and driving/off to Uni/College etc. Very scary so best to embrace it.

Feed them both. He is a child. Plus, your son is enjoying his company. It's a small price to pay to maintain your child's friendship if you are worried about extra cost

I will ALWAYS be the parent who feeds any child who comes in to my house.

I will provide snacks, meals, drinks and will be a place my children want to come with their friends. Start this early so in the teen years, they actually want to be where you are...

Wouldn’t cross my mind not to feed any of my kids friends if there were at ours… mealtime or not. Obviously different if you’re on the bones of your backside financially but otherwise I have an open house policy. Less now they are both in their 20’s but from 8 onwards friends were always welcome. They could grab a drink or if they wanted a snack it was available. I always wanted them to be comfortable here.

@ILCTM for me, this part stood out...
"......I have to do the trip anyway as my younger son also goes (but doesn't go with my eldest to his friend's house if that makes sense)."

The habit that's developed seems fairly inefficient, as the current set-up causes extra effort & to-ing and fro-ing for both parties, whereas it could be mutually benefitting both you and the friend's dad.
Might it be an option for the boys have supper & stay at your's until time to go to the youth group, when you would drive all 3 (both son's & friend)? Then for the friend's father to drive all 3 boys home?

That way, whilst the weekly supper/visit for the lad nurtures their friendship, you and the friend's dad each save a journey. Plus you can settle in for the evening once the kid's are at their club, and the dad gets a longer stretch of uninterrupted time before collecting them? Win Win?

True 😉

I'd keep feeding the friend. But talk to ths boys, and the friend's parents, and try to engineer a situation whereby this boy's dad collects both of your sons and takes them to the youth club. Leavibg you to collect them both at the end of the session. This would minimise all the car journeys and cut your driving time in half.
Your older son would have to deal with his little brother tagging along, but would hopefully be able to cope with that.

It's only once a week and he's picking up your son - I'd stick to giving him dinner also. If it's a money thing make something cheap that can be portioned like pasta.

Oh my goodness what is the big deal. If there is an extra body there at a meal time just feed it , no fuss. It's called hospitality, being sensible and it's not called responsibility.
Is this really a genuine post?

Yes I would, I bet your son loves having him over for dinner at his house, plus the Dad of other child collects them and they safely walk to the club from their house. Win win.

just do something simple - spag Bol etc.

I found that feeling crushing as a child - being sent to sit in a room alone while the family ate.

I think this is one where you do what you think is best and expect the other parties to tolerate what you do. Don't overthink it, don't get cross. If you don't want to feed him just tell him you're not feeding him next time. If you're happy feeding him do it.

Good god some people are stingy these days. It’s a kids dinner. Some tomatoe pasta, would cost about 10p