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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant with twin, husband wants an abortion but I don't

502 replies

Whatslifefor · 14/11/2024 12:29

I have 3 kids from previous relationship, husband has 2 (who don't live with us). We decided we don't want to have more kids, but now I am pregnant I am not sure I want to go through with termination (the last one left me feeling traumatised and guilty). My options at the moment:

1- terminate the pregnancy and resent my husband for it (especially since it's a twin pregnancy)

2- continue with the pregnancy and my husband will resent me for it, or worse leave me and I end up a single mum to 5 kids

So currently, the way I see it, both my options suck for one of us (obviously as a woman I am in more of a disadvantage). Any one was in a similar situation and their marriage survived either decision?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatslifefor · 14/11/2024 12:34

The reason I am asking is because I personally see this argument as the end of our relationship whichever route I take. But I am hoping I'm wrong...

OP posts:
Whyherewego · 14/11/2024 12:37

Well ultimately if you are prepared to be a single mum to 5 kids including twins then you can continue with the pregnancy.
You both agreed you didn't want more kids. You got pregnant, he wants to maintain that position ie no more kids.
You have a choice, it's your body. None of us know what's right for you, only you do. But maybe ask yourself, if you were a single mum of 3 and got pregnant on a 1 night stand. What would you do?

pl228 · 14/11/2024 12:38

When you had the other abortion, was it your dh’s child? As if so, he seems to possibly view abortion as a good method of birth control - for him, obviously.

Also if you know its twins, are you quite far along?

Original poster
Whatslifefor · 14/11/2024 12:41

Yes, the other abortion was also dh's child. I can't take many of the regular birth control for various reasons so made it clear that he needs to do his bit when it comes to preventing another one and that if I end up pregnant again, I don't think j can mentally cope with another abortion.

I am only 6 weeks pregnant so early in the process...

OP posts:
Chocolatesnowman2 · 14/11/2024 12:44

So he's having a vasectomy then ..in fact why didn't he have one after your last abortion.hesounds like a twat , knowing what you went through last time ,why didn't he stick a condom on ,or have a vasectomy

Original poster
Whatslifefor · 14/11/2024 12:45

Well, thank you! I did mention vasectomy and he doesn't want one. But okay for me to go through abortion 😞

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 14/11/2024 12:45

Whatslifefor · 14/11/2024 12:41

Yes, the other abortion was also dh's child. I can't take many of the regular birth control for various reasons so made it clear that he needs to do his bit when it comes to preventing another one and that if I end up pregnant again, I don't think j can mentally cope with another abortion.

I am only 6 weeks pregnant so early in the process...

This has to be completely your decision.

DH lost that right when he didn't have the snip or wear a condom (assuming he didn't).

Can you face life as a single mum of 5? Would your DP play any part in their lives or would you be on your own 24/7?

Personally I couldn't.

Whatever you decide you need stop having sex when you could get pregnant.

Chocolatesnowman2 · 14/11/2024 12:47

It's all very well saying he needs to do his bit ,and you can't cope with another abortion..but if you have then just gone ahead and had sex no contraception..that's a huge risk ,and not a great idea .. putting it mildly,.
Plus you have to carry to can ,take the responsibilities of either an abortion or pregnancy and birth ..it's quite clear he doesn't care about your needs now this is the second abortion he wants you to have ,..I'd be keeping the babies and telling him to disappear

VeryCheesyChips · 14/11/2024 12:48

Whatslifefor · 14/11/2024 12:45

Well, thank you! I did mention vasectomy and he doesn't want one. But okay for me to go through abortion 😞

That in itself is a huge problem.

I don’t have any advice but I can see you feel this may be the end of the road with him.

reneedes · 14/11/2024 12:48

I think if you/he really didn't want more dc then one or both of you would have opted for more permanent bc. So I suspect there is part of you both who do want these dcs. That said, there's no way I'd want to be a single mum of 5 including twins, and I wouldn't want to have the joint financial responsibility for a family of 9 either. Have you thought about the logistics, bedrooms, cars, childcare costs?

DesertGecko · 14/11/2024 12:49

I think the likelihood of this relationship lasting regardless is not good, so take him out of the equation and think about whether you want to live with the guilt and raise 3 children as a single mother, or not live with the guilt but have 5 children to take care of, again as a single mother. I think you need to prioritise the 3 you have and if he refuses a vasectomy then that would be the end of the relationship for me.

Iloveeverycat · 14/11/2024 12:50

Don't be pressured into having another abortion. If he didn't want any more children it was up to him to sort it out not you. What ever method he was using he must have known it was not 100% so shouldn't be surprised if you did get pregnant again.

Chocolatesnowman2 · 14/11/2024 12:50

Whatslifefor · 14/11/2024 12:45

Well, thank you! I did mention vasectomy and he doesn't want one. But okay for me to go through abortion 😞

No more sex then .get him told ,no more sex untill he has a vasectomy.im sorry he doesn't sound like he cares much for you .
I think you need to decide if you can be a single mum to 5 .
I expect when he has his kids over ,your doing the lions share of the parenting..so in a way your already managing 5 kids ..
So your perfectly capable,you just need to sort finances out .and when he's gone ,you don't have to look after his kids anymore

CustardySergeant · 14/11/2024 12:52

If he's so adamant about not wanting any more children, why on earth won't he have a vasectomy? You must've asked him that question. What does he say?

Snoken · 14/11/2024 12:52

If you are very rich and can afford to bring 5 kids up on your own and buy in help then you should go ahead and keep them. If you think that scenario will disadvantage your current three children then don't do it. His kids don't live with him so I am guessing he's not a very involved dad to his existing children and he probably won't be to yours either.

Christmaslover1952 · 14/11/2024 12:56

Not a judgement before anyone jumps on me. I’ve also had a termination. What do you mean do his bit? You’ve had 2 unplanned pregnancies? Are you not using condoms, or are you using pull out method?

My opinion: The people you need to think of first are your existing 3 children. Are you going to affect their lives / just about scrape by if you go ahead with your twin pregnancy? If I fell pregnant unplanned and I knew it would affect my children negatively for example not being able to afford them, then ultimately that would make my decision

wishing you all the best OP

Tiredofallthis101 · 14/11/2024 12:59

I agree with PPs that you need to think about your existing children. If you broke up with DP and were alone would you go ahead with a pregnancy? Because if you decide to go ahead there's a good chance you'd be a single parent to 5 kids. If you decide to stay with him I'd be insisting on a vasectomy or no more sex - once is a mistake, twice is very careless and it is clearly going to have a significant impact on your life either through a deeply upsetting abortion or unplanned kids.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 14/11/2024 12:59

Whatslifefor · 14/11/2024 12:45

Well, thank you! I did mention vasectomy and he doesn't want one. But okay for me to go through abortion 😞

Then I agree that your relationship definitely should be over. I'm sorry, OP, he sounds vile. Even if you do have an abortion and the relationship continues, I'd foresee more abortions in your future.

Absolutely make the decision that you feel is right for YOU, but whatever you choose, please also end this relationship for YOU.

FlingThatCarrot · 14/11/2024 13:00

Can you afford twins without your current 5 children suffering?

At 6 weeks I'd be terminating as no chance could I do that alone.
I'd also be separating unless vasectomy was booked.

BarbadosItsCloserThanYouThink · 14/11/2024 13:00

Op I think you've had some good advice here regarding thinking about your current 3 children and how you would cope with 2 babies and the impact on them.
Wishing you all the best.

Bigcat25 · 14/11/2024 13:00

It's ridiculous he doesn't want a vasectomy. It's a super quick procedure.

Brefugee · 14/11/2024 13:00

Whatslifefor · 14/11/2024 12:45

Well, thank you! I did mention vasectomy and he doesn't want one. But okay for me to go through abortion 😞

Pragmatically? Abortion and end the relationship. If you really can't face an abortion, end the relationship and be a single mum to 5. It will be incredibly difficult though.

he won't have a vasectomy but he's ok with more than one abortion for you? He's not lovely, is he?

AutumnLeaves24 · 14/11/2024 13:01

Whatslifefor · 14/11/2024 12:45

Well, thank you! I did mention vasectomy and he doesn't want one. But okay for me to go through abortion 😞

Yeah NO.

No way would I be going through an abortion to a man who said he wouldn't have a vasectomy, but expects me just to have abortions when the inevitable happens!!

but surely there's some contraception you can use? Or insist he uses a condom? So I don't think you're entirely blameless for this situation either.

How old are your 3?

in your situation i wouldn't have an abortion if it were a single, but twins?! So cute but SO much work on your own. I honestly don't know, depends how old yours are & what support you have. Also depends how long you think he'd stay before buggering off. First few months with twins, on your own...that's hard.

Simonjt · 14/11/2024 13:03

I didn’t even know you could tell by six weeks if it was twins!

Are you in the UK? If so as you already have three little ones that surely means you wouldn’t be able to gain any additional financial support for the babies?

It doesn’t actually matter what he wants, it isn’t his body.

AutumnLeaves24 · 14/11/2024 13:04

I think men that 'don't want a vasectomy' don't want more kids 'with you' why else are they keeping their options open??

yes it's an op, but considering what the women have been through already, it's a bit pathetic.