Pregnant with twin, husband wants an abortion but I don't

[Whatslifefor]

I have 3 kids from previous relationship, husband has 2 (who don't live with us). We decided we don't want to have more kids, but now I am pregnant I am not sure I want to go through with termination (the last one left me feeling traumatised and guilty). My options at the moment:

1- terminate the pregnancy and resent my husband for it (especially since it's a twin pregnancy)

2- continue with the pregnancy and my husband will resent me for it, or worse leave me and I end up a single mum to 5 kids

So currently, the way I see it, both my options suck for one of us (obviously as a woman I am in more of a disadvantage). Any one was in a similar situation and their marriage survived either decision?

Your OH may come round but I wouldn’t base my decision on it. If he was ok with the pregnancy he could still be disengaged or even walk out after the birth.

If you can’t face another abortion, your decision is to be a single mum to twins + three older children.

Think very carefully about what that looks like and the financial implications, and whether it’s fair on your three existing children. They’ll be sacrificing a lot - time with you, holidays, clubs, days out. It would be a terrible quality of life for all of you. Not just the financials but the logistics will make these things incredibly difficult.

Even if your OH, or a future partner, doesn’t take responsibility for contraception, you can still show up with the condoms and an ultimatum. Wear it or sort yourself out in the bathroom.

@Whatslifefor
I'm sure you've posted about this very recently?
sorry you're in this situation.
Is your DH another useless male who won't have a vasectomy or use condoms but expects you to abort every time you get pregnant?

My mother was a single parent to 5, including twins. She couldn't really cope, we had no money and our childhood was chaotic and crap. 2 siblings went completely no contact with her as adults, I'm low contact and none of us are close. Yes babies can be cute, but you have to realistic.

You both knew this was going to be the outcome, so here we are.

It's up to you if you can cope with being a single mum to these children. That's the decision that you need to make.

I'd first of all make it clear to him termination equals divorce. I couldn't be with someone who is happy to put me through multiple terminations because they're so against another child, yet is wholly unwilling to have a vasectomy. Plus, even if he accepts these twins ... he's still not getting a vasectomy so you're quite simply ended up pregnant again. This time with child 6 (and maybe 7).

Question here is would you rather be single mum of the 3 kids you have, carrying whatever regrets you have from aborting, or would you rather be single mum of all 5? No one can make that choice for you.

The twins showed up on 11 week scan in our family.

You're correct that either way it's likely the end of your relationship, you should base your decision on what YOU want to do, assuming he's out of the picture. If you don't want an abortion then don't be forced into it, but it's definitely worth thinking about the logistics of managing on your own.

This is the issue. I have said it here before, and I’ll say it agian.
you choose NOT to have a baby. Not the other way round. Pregnancy is the natural outcome of sex (apologies to those with infertility issues as this is of course the exception).
if he was so damned keen to ensure he didn’t have another child, it was on HIM to ensure he prevented pregnancy. That means a vasectomy. Or abstinence. If he doesn’t do either he has to accept that a resulting pregnancy is his responsisiblty

you need to spell this out in plain English. In being passive about his responsisibity to control his fertility for himself, he has essentially said “I don’t care if you get pregnant” . Ask him, did he decide that and decide if, in his decision to not take control of the situation yourself, he would “just” assume you’d put you’re body and emotions through an abortion. Agian? Really?

id be saying that irrespective of you having an a abortion or not, you want him to take responsisibity for his fertility and book himself NOW, immedately for a vasectomy which he goes through with. Absolutely no sex till then. If he refuses or fudges you know this relationship is doomed. And you need to then make a tough decision on whether to end up with 5 kids outside of a relationship.

Ask an abortion provider to refer you for free counselling - they are trained in helping you make the decision that's right for you

If he won’t have a vasectomy (the selfish b’stard) and you have issues with some birth controls then you will most likely be having many more abortions after this one, until you are no longer fertile.

He needs to get the snip or you break up.

Or y’know prioritise her existing three children who might not be twins but actually are here and have housing and financial needs that need to be met.

He sounds like a selfish knob! I'm sorry, OP, I don't have experience of this myself, but I feel strongly that he should have made much more effort to prevent another pregnancy, given how hard the abortion was for you last time, and that you're not able to take other contraceptives. I guess you need to make the best decision for you as you can't control how he reacts. I hope you find a path through this that makes you happy and gives you peace whatever you decide 💐

Keep the babies. Screw the husband. He can either man up and take care of his children,‘or he can be a coward and run away and you claim child support

You sound charming @nosmartphone. You're 'quite anti-abortion' but you consider abortion just about good enough for the OP, after tut-tutting at her?They brought this on themselves but, as tends to be the case, the OP as the woman is in the way more vulnerable position.

Sterilisation is much worse than vasectomy; getting the surgical solution really was up to him. And while it's nice for you if you always know when your fertile days are, it doesn't work like that for everyone. Besides, we don't know whether they used contraception or not.

OP - tbh it sounds to me like your relationship is probably over either way. The fact that your husband knew that you struggled with the last abortion, failed to safeguard against another pregnancy and now is pressuring you again to abort sort of dooms you as a couple. He'd have to change a lot to save you.

So the main question is: can you face being a single mother of five? If not, then either you abort and split (the 'cleanest' solution), or you abort, stay together and you 'get over it' (a challenge, mostly for you), or you don't abort and (try to) stay together. In that case, he may still leave, or you may have your five kids in a very high-conflict situation. This last result sounds pretty awful.

I sort of hope that you determine you could face being a single mum of five and go on to have a happy solo life with your brood. In that case, you're made of sterner stuff than me.

Of course it's possible that you husband 'comes round' and stops being the worst kind of patriarchal shit about this. Likely, it is not.

To start with, I think you need to tell him (preferably without using the epithet 'patriarchal shit', inviting though it is) that the choices he's made around birth control were really not OK, for reasons you can find on this thread, and that he has no right to pressure you now. Make your further choices based on his reaction.

It's a crap situation to be in OP, I'm sorry.

There's 7 kids in the mix here. I hope every parent involved is loaded if that's the advice.

This is good advice.

If you don’t want one don’t have one.

If I was in any way dependent on benefits I wouldn't continue with the pregnancy. To have to look after two extra DC with no extra money will mean a drop in standards for your existing DC, from a system that isn't renowned for its generosity.

Yes sterilisation is harder than vasectomy but at least the OP then knows that she cannot get pregnant ever again. Sounds like this marriage is over so she’d still be at risk seeing as she can’t use contraception apparently.

What’s the betting neither party in this is loaded and is expecting the state to somehow step in and fund this irresponsible situation? If you have a lot of money in the style of Jacob Rees-Mogg then go for it and have your 5 or 6 kids. If you work part time and get topped up with universal credit and wouldn’t be able to rent anywhere big enough privately then don’t.

The comment that you wouldn’t abort “especially because it’s twins” says a lot. And you will probably get pregnant several more times during your life as you’re not able to take responsibility for not doing so.

Wow, that's really unkind of you. You're lucky that your decision to proceed with the pregnancy turned out well. If your child had been born severely disabled and your husband left you, would your DM have turned around and said 'I told you that you should have an abortion'. I doubt it. Stop guilt tripping her.

5, not 7. 6vweek embryos are not kids.

I personally don't know of anybody that regrets having their kids and very rarely even hear of it, however I know at least 5 people personally off the top of my head that regret abortion.

Absolutely agree with this poster. People say ‘have an abortion’ like it’s a walk in tbe park. Often a woman’s hormones are programmed to make us want to keep our babies

Obviously. But they will be if they're born.

Deleted.