Pregnant with twin, husband wants an abortion but I don't

[Whatslifefor]

I have 3 kids from previous relationship, husband has 2 (who don't live with us). We decided we don't want to have more kids, but now I am pregnant I am not sure I want to go through with termination (the last one left me feeling traumatised and guilty). My options at the moment:

1- terminate the pregnancy and resent my husband for it (especially since it's a twin pregnancy)

2- continue with the pregnancy and my husband will resent me for it, or worse leave me and I end up a single mum to 5 kids

So currently, the way I see it, both my options suck for one of us (obviously as a woman I am in more of a disadvantage). Any one was in a similar situation and their marriage survived either decision?

just say no, if that's really what you want then say no, you're not having an abortion.

If he isn't going to get a vasectomy or use birth control, then he needs to live with the consequences of his actions.

I personally couldn't love someone who expected me to have abortion after abortion, so they could get away without using birth control or having to have a very minor procedure, what a disgusting pig he is.

I think your existing children should be at forefront of your decision and you should put that before your personal feelings of having the abortion. The three you already have will be disadvantaged drastically after the arrival of twins and being one of 5. Nobody needs to have 5 kids, if it were me, I'd personally just be happy with the 3 I already have (already higher than the average amount of children) and have the termination.

People have early scans for lots of reasons. Due to a condition in my first pregnancy (20 years ago), I was told I would always be offered an early scan in any future pregnancies' to rule out this condition each time. I have had that each time, two ended in MC shortly after, two were successful but never had the condition again. I really don't think early scans are too unlikely (and this is before the option of a private scan).

What does life look like raising 7 children if you stay together ?
What does life look like raising 5 known children if you stay together ?
What does life look like raising 5 children on your own ?

Whatever of those scenarios are the most bleak for you and your current children are the ones you should avoid.

She didn't get pregnant. It is both of them. Using that terminology puts the blame solely on OP.

Sorry but there must be some contraception you can use. At the end of the day it is your body and for that very reason (if he refuses to use a condom or have a vasectomy) then you tell him sex is off the menu. You can't just keep having unwanted pregnancies. I don't understand this seeming lack of autonomy with women. Personally I would not want to be a single parent to five children. I wouldn't want to be a married parent to five children either so I'd have the abortion and then sort out proper prevention going foward.

Also not being unsympathetic but if I got pregnant once and had an abortion then I’d make pretty damm sure it didn’t happen again. There must be some sort of contraception you can use - I don’t buy that there isn’t.

Why did you have unprotected sex with him then if neither of you wanted kids, you knew you weren’t on birth control and I’m assuming you realised he wasn’t wearing a condom? Yes you said it was his responsibility to wear protection, but you didn’t have to have sex with him when you knew he wasn’t 🤷‍♀️ Presumbly as parents of many kids already, you both aren’t clueless teenagers…?

I honestly don’t mean to be rude but I simply don’t understand how adults get themselves into this situation (unless the birth control fails, which doesn’t seem to be the case here).

It's all fine and well blaming him for not having a vasectomy, but at the end of the day the burden of pregnancy only affects one person so it's crazy to not take action to prevent that when you are the sole person who has to deal with the outcome. 5 children while in a relationship is hard. 5 children as a single parent is insane. What happens now is solely your decision.

So currently, the way I see it, both my options suck for one of us
Which is exactly why people take action to ensure they don't find themselves in this lose-lose situation in the first place.

You are both in the wrong, unless one lied to the other.

How old are your current children?

nobody can decide for you but they have to be the priority

You get early scans for IVF as well. Maybe she had some bleeding? Why does it matter?

Pragmatically, and being very frank, is DH rich? Do you get much maintenance and share custody for the existing 3 you have?

Because there's a big difference raising 5 children as a single mother on the breadline, never having a break... And being able to enjoy 5 children because you live comfortably and get a break when you need one. Which you will, especially with twins.

Look at what your life would be. How much money would you have coming in? What physical support would you have? My parents happily looked after my first. Twins, ten years later are a different ballgame and they've never had them. Not once. I'm exhausted. Even with DH (who works long hours) I haven't had a night off/woken up naturally for 5 years now. I think I'd have gone stir crazy on my own.

My friends (married couple) are away yet again, this time at Twickenham for the weekend, whilst her mum and dad have both their kids. It's a different life if you have family support.

Could you ever see a day where you wouldn't have all 5 of the children? It's very intense without it. If you were getting enough maintenance, you could hire a nanny when you needed one, which again would be a game changer.

Fair point sorry was nit intentionally done

Yes to your last sentence, however, it really isn't a minor procedure.
Husband had it done.

Vasectomy is a very minor procedure.

I'm sorry but what have I just read?

You can't use contraception, he won't have a vasectomy, you won't be sterilised. But you still have sex at times that you are more likely to get pregnant?

You already have 5 children between you both and you both agreed not to have any more children? How did you agree to this knowing that not one person in the relationship is going to even try to prevent pregnancies?

You've already had one abortion and it didn't think to enter either of your minds that sex leads to babies??

What!!!!!!!

It takes two. You both need to grow up and realise the impact that this will have on your children that are already here.

Of course you can.

A word of advice, OP.

Do what feels right for you.

I was in your position 5 years ago, and my DH asked me to abort our youngest DD. We already had 2 DC, and I just couldn't face a termination. I even went along to the abortion clinic, sat and cried at the nurse when she asked why I wanted an abortion, then i told her that I really didn't.

My DD is now so delightful, such a character, and I feel that I'd have regretted it hugely if I'd ignored my true (probably selfish) reasons and ended the pregnancy.

Of course, my DH had to make peace with the decision and we had a terrible rocky time in lockdown after she was born, which was horrendous and I had dreadful PND because of it. But, I'd rather have her here, than forever regret it.

Occasionally, I say to my DM that they wanted me to terminate her, and she looks rather sad and guilty. I don't say it to make her feel this way deliberately, rather just to remind her what a wonderful granddaughter she may never had.

Good luck ❤️

My twins were picked up at 6+3, 13 years ago. And it was indeed a very high risk pregnancy, we all nearly died. Babies born at 31 weeks. (All good now!)

How would you cope op with a nicu stay of it cam to it with three other kids at home? The relationship imo is over whatever you do.

Have you thought about cars, housing etc? Will it be fair in your other kids?

Yeah well going from 2 to 3 kids is not the same as going from 3 to 5 is it? For one you can never get the whole family into one car. And of course once your child is born you’re hardly going to think oh I wish I’d aborted her. Nobody is going to think that even if having the other child objectively lowers their quality of life. That doesn’t mean that it’s always a good idea to continue a pregnancy.

Is the OP going to be sterilised after this pregnancy if she goes through with it? Or will she risk having baby number six, seven, eight.

This has made me ridiculously angry. He fucking needs to get his tubes snipped then doesn’t he.

Mate, he’s not a prince amongst men, whatever. If you don’t feel like a termination isn’t for you, don’t do it for this irresponsible man’s sake.

This is quite a silly comment. She did get pregnant. He didn't. He can't. It's not both of them at all, it's only her.
He can walk away easily, she remains the only one pregnant. That's not blame, that's biology

She would if it is twins but only one of them.

This is a hard situation, because he doesn't love you enough and isn't reasonable enough to allow existence of an easy solution.

Think one step forward, what are the possible futures? You really don't want to be in this position again.

Did anything change about his/your shared contraception approach after the first abortion? Can you reasonably expect any significant change going forward (no matter whether you have an abortion or have the children, you wouldn't want to get pregnant again)? If not, it is a clear limitation of options.

Is there any contraception approach which is maybe less than ideal and you wouldn't consider it a shared solution but you have it completely in your hands? That's a second boundary.

Is his positive impact on your &your children's life big enough to warrant taking birth control entirely to our hands?

If you keep the pregnancy, would you be able to take care of all children even with him? And without him? If it means struggling, would it probably be more or less struggling than dealing with the abortion now?